Love and Drawing / 愛情和畫畫

早上和老師談話之前，收到娜娜的信。然後我就匆匆忙忙地先和語言助教討論報告，再和露討論上學期的作品。

Before having the tutorial this morning, I received Nana's email. Then I rushed off to talk to Isolde about my essay and then with Lou about my works done for last term.

上學期末和德瑞克談話，提到了某個速寫主題，他問速寫本在哪，我說那是我個人的速寫本，和作業無關。他回答：我們對你所有的速寫都有興趣。當下我發現自己和其他同學不同之處在於，我很努力地達到老師的要求，但是我對於經營速寫本沒有花太多心力，而且我對於給別人看速寫本這件事有點不好意思。

At the end of last term when I had the tutorial with Derek, we mentioned a certain subject on which I did some sketches. He then asked where the sketchbook was. I said, "Well, that's in my personal sketchbook. Not for the assignments." He replied, "We are interested in all of your sketchbooks. It was then that I found that I was different from my classmates in that I dedicated almost all my time to meeting the briefs, but I didn't invest much when it comes to preparing my own sketchbooks. Besides, I was shy about showing others my works.

但是過了一個假期，我變了，今天我不想再和露討論上學期可怕的作品，我把去旅行的速寫本給她看，她說看這些速寫是很大的享受，然後她說：為什麼你的速寫本和作業的落差那麼大？我說，我也很認真地想了這件事，可能是因為越是以討好別人為出發動機，就越容易失去自由流動的感覺。而且之前德瑞克幫我挑了一些不錯的圖，全全全都是在我已經畫到有點累，忘了要取悅老師的時候做的。

But after a winter break, I have changed. I didn't feel like going over the works last term, so I showed Lou my sketchbook. She said it's a great joy to go over the sketches. Then she said, "Why is there such a huge contrast between your sketchbooks and the result of last term's project?" I told her that I'd been seriously thinking about this. I figured that the more I want to please others, the more likely for me to lose that free line and feel. Besides, Derek picked some good images for me at the end of last term, and these were images done when I was kind of tired, when I no longer remembered my initial attempt to impress the tutors.

所以這學期為了我的身心健康著想，我一定得每天撥時間畫令我開心的圖，不為任何理由。

So this term, for the sake of my physical and mental health, I have to spare some time every day to draw what pleases me, not for any end.

這看起來很小的領悟對我來說是很大的功課，因為這牽涉到我喜不喜歡自己的線條、甚至於最終我喜不喜歡自己的樣子，雖然我一直覺得自己不夠好，但是我不能當別人。現在速寫的時候，我會想，可能我畫的和現實有差距，但就是這樣才有我的風格，我接受那些畫錯的線條。

This seemingly small epiphany has been a huge life lesson for me because this is about if I like my own lines, and eventually, myself. Though I've always thought I can do better, I can't be someone else. Now whenever I sketch, I tell myself, what I draw might not resemble the real scene, but that's because I put "me" inside the picture. I live with the crooked lines and the mistakes.

愛情不也是這個樣子嗎？當我們用盡所有力氣去討好喜歡的人，或者改變自己，越是那樣，愛情越是從指尖滑過。將來的路還很長，如果不能用最自在的方式相處，關係是不會持久的。

Isn't love like that? When we've made every effort imaginable to please someone or to change ourselves, love just slips through our fingers. The days ahead are long, and if we can't be ourselves, the relationship won't last.

不是我是愛情專家啦，只是我一直都以為我是個有些自信心的人，不過這幾個月我把自己看得清楚些，如果有人要問我花這麼多錢值不值得，我只能說這是很棒的學習方式，因為我學到的遠超出畫畫這件事。

Not that I am any expert on love. It's just that I'd always thought I was a confident person, but over the past few months, I've seen myself better. If anyone wants to ask whether it's worth it to spend so much money, I can say that this is a fantastic way to learn because I've learned much more than drawing.

很認真地和組員們討論之後，我前往今天的速寫地點，是我一直想走進去的小吃店「叢林咖啡」，雖然它外表看起來不怎麼樣，每次經過時都看到一些顧客在裡頭。總要在離開坎貝爾之前去一次。

After having a serious discussion with my team members this afternoon, I left for the sketching venue today. It's Jungle Cafe, where I'd always wanted to go. Though it doesn't look like a fancy restaurant, there are always some people inside whenever I pass by. I have to go there at least once before leaving Camberwell. 

走進去之後，身邊都是在社區出沒的生活的臉孔，櫃台的阿姨也很樸實，建議我點早餐套餐，真好，來到這裡都還沒有吃過英式早餐，該是嘗試的時候了。

After walking in, I saw faces of old grannies, working men etc, faces that form part of the neighborhood here. The lady at the counter was rather plain but nice. She suggested that I try the breakfast set. Good, I hadn't eaten British breakfast after coming here. I thought it was time for me to do so. 

中間在蛋下面看起來很像薯餅的玩意叫作bubble and squeak，是把剁碎的馬鈴薯和大白菜稍微煎一下的料理，口感嘛，我持保留意見好了。

In the middle of the plate under the egg was bubble and squeak. It was made of mashed potatoes and cabbages and slightly fried. As for the taste, I am not going to make any comment... 

接下來又是我的速寫時間了，其實我一走進「叢林咖啡」，就感受到店員和顧客之間的溫暖，圖中的兩名黑人女性一進來熟稔地和阿姨打招呼，說來杯熱茶吧，看著她們喝茶，我的靈魂也得到小小的休息。後來陸續走進來獨自用餐的先生，他們自在地看著報紙，好像也可以點菜單以外的餐點。我的左邊坐了一對夫婦，太太不停地喃喃，背景的電台撥放著流行樂，我深深覺得我之前根本沒有試圖想要理解英國人。

Next came my sketching time. In fact, as soon as I walked into Jungle Cafe, I felt the warm flow between the employee and the customers. The two black ladies in the middle of the sketch greeted the lady behind the counter and said, "I'll have a cup of tea." Seeing the steam rise out of the mug, my soul felt greatly relaxed as well. Later there were more men who came alone with newspapers in their hands or taken from the restaurant. It seemed that they could order dishes not listed on the menu. On my left sat a couple, and the wife didn't stop mumbling. Pop music was played, and I had a feeling that I hadn't made any effort to understand Britons at all. 

畫完之前圖中左上方的阿姨抽煙回來，很熱情地稱讚我一下，問我是不是坎貝爾的學生，臨走之前我和她還有阿姨說再見。

When I was about to finish the sketch, the lady on the upper left just came back from smoking outside. She gave me a hearty compliment and asked me if I am a student from Camberwell. Upon leaving, I said goodbye to her, her friend, and the lady waitress. 

後記：要離開畫室時，我跑去另一組問組長詹姆斯說：你們做的東西好像很有趣，可以透露一下最高機密嗎？詹姆斯長得很有特色，他每天來上學一定都要打領帶穿靴子，他說：我在補上學期還沒做完的功課。我說：那好吧！我不打擾你了。這看起來有點哀怨又有點酷的傢伙回答：歡迎你打擾我喔！我如果離開了也會常常想到這可愛的男孩。

P.S.: Before leaving the studio, I approached the CD of another group James. I said, "Your project preparation seems interesting. Can you reveal to me what you are up to?" James is a very special-looking person. He comes to school all the time in a tie and boots. He said, "I am doing what I didn't finish from last term." I replied, "OK, then I am not going to disturb you." This kind of fatalistic-looking cool guy then said, "You are welcome to disturb me!" I am sure that I will think of this cute boy after I leave...