Have you? / 你是否？

休息了一個週末，我知道今天皮要繃緊了，所以一早把畫具款款就趕快進畫室。大家寒喧前兩天的社交活動，我正要動工時，旁邊的艾登突然用很誠懇但有些苦惱的語氣坐下來對我說：你是否有種感覺，覺得看到別人畫的都比自己好？我轉過去很無耐地回答：你對我說這話真是找對人。他拿出剛買的一本漫畫全集翻給我看，說多想要裡面的線條和風格，我把上週的經驗和他分享，他又拿出海報的草稿，我和他說，我們都被困住了，其實前幾週德瑞克還稱讚他畫得很不賴，艾登的線條有種速度感，而且看這個人的圖會了解他很有想像力，我把最近大家和我說的話拿出來用在他身上：你只能做帶有自己風格的東西。

After taking a pause from my project during the weekend, I was very aware of the remaining time on my hand. This morning I packed my drawing kits without delay before going into the studio. We kind of caught up on the previous weekend, and when I was about to start, Aidan sat down to talk to me in a very sincere yet troubled tone: Have you ever felt that others' works are much better than yours? I turned to him in total agreement: Tell me about it...He took out a collection of comics he just had bought, saying how much he wanted the lines and styles of the artists. I couldn't help sharing with him my experience last week. Then he thumbed through his own sketches for the project. I told him that we are both trapped. In fact, several weeks ago Derek gave him a compliment on how well he draws. There's something spontaneous about Aidan's lines, and you'll find him to be very imaginative upon seeing his works. I encouraged him with the words that friends had been showering upon me lately: You can only produce works in your own style.

轉回頭之後，我完全忘記我剛才說的話，試了好幾種媒材我都不喜歡，而且我不確定別人是否懂我的新圖像，撐到了下午，我對助教麥克說我必須和他談談，雖然我已經決定回頭做玫瑰的意象，他問到我之前的圖，我把上週的手機想法給他看，他也是很直接地說他不喜歡。這件事我已經接受了，令我苦惱的是新圖，還好他很快就幫我想出新的敘事方法，再加上這已經是最後階段，他替大家想可以立即修正的方式。

After I turned back to my work, I had completely thrown behind what I said. I experimented with several media, but I didn't like the results. Besides, I had a new image which I was not sure if the viewer understands. I tried to make it on my own until the afternoon, but I felt I should turn to Mike for help. I had come back to the rose image, but he asked me about the previous choice. I thus showed him the cell phone idea, and he said very directly that he didn't like it. I could live with that with no problem. In fact, I was more worried about the new image. Fortunately he figured out another narrative form for me. Since this is already the final stage, he tried to figure out quick ways to modify everyone's ideas.

傍晚時我想了一整天發生的事，我最近處於不是很確定自我的狀態，我已經計劃好最後用原稿手繪呈現，但在畫室中聽到大家紛紛說要去印刷行輸出數位圖像，我又開始動搖，雖然我很明白印刷出來的作品和電腦上看到的還是有出入，我不如呈現最原始的手繪感。可能我太久沒有經歷不確定感，我有些慌了手腳，不過我想這是上帝要我學習被照顧，讓我學著在走到極限時向別人求救。

In the evening I looked back on what had happened today. I've been in a state of uncertainty lately. I planned to present the poster in the form of the original drawings, but upon hearing that so many classmates would like to print out their PDF files, I started to oscillate. I knew that the output will look different from the computer version based on last week's experience, so I might as well present the hand-drawn feel of the originals. I haven't experienced that uncertainty for too long, so I panic easily. However, I figure this is God's message of wanting me to learn being taken care of, to learn to turn for help when I've reached my limits.

今早上學途中發現樹上掛著捕夢網，不知是誰放上去的。這幾天曉寧和豆豆相繼和我說她們看了我的畫總是會心一笑，我在追夢的過程中慢慢地忘記我是誰了，幸好她們提醒我，我和自己說，不列印也沒關係，但是要帶著愉快的心把作品畫出來。

On my to school this morning, I found this dreamcatcher on a tree. I wondered who had put it up there. Over the past few days Ning and Bean have reminded me how my drawings make them smile. I guess I have gradually forgotten who I am while I am after my dreams. Thanks to their reminder, I tell myself that I don't have to print out my posters, but I have to draw them with gladness. 

這週是學期的倒數第二週，很多人沒來畫室裡畫畫，很多人中午就走了，到了下午只剩下一些人，隔壁的艾登不時唱起歌，另一桌的蘿拉說她覺得自己是三十五歲，我說那是我的年齡耶，艾登說不要開玩笑了，之後居然接著說，你是永恆的。蘿拉說他在和你調情，我揶揄艾登說：不會跟你女朋友說啦！艾登又說：真希望有一天別人問我是做什麼的，我可以回答我是插畫家。我們聽了都心有戚戚焉，對啊，不只是自己畫爽而已。其實我在畫室裡多少感受到緊張的氣氛，但這些邊畫圖邊亂說話的片刻是我很珍惜並且想要記住的。

This is the second last week of the term. Many people didn't show up in the studio, and some left around noon. In the afternoon only a handful of us remained. Aidan couldn't help singing, and Laura said she feels like 35. I said, "That's my age!" When Aidan heard it, he exclaimed, "No way!" He went on to say, "You are timeless!" Laura said that he was flirting, and I teased him by saying, "Oh, I won't tell Becky (his girlfriend)." He went on, "I hope one day when people ask me what I do, I can say that I am an illustrator." We all relate to that because we want more than please ourselves. In fact, I always get tense after having spent a day in the studio, but these moments of doodling and mumbling nonsense at the same time are what I cherish and want to bear in mind. 

不知道那個捕夢網是不是已經有人許願了，如果沒有的話，我先說：你好，我是插畫家，有賺錢的喔！

I wonder if anyone has made any wish on that dreamcatcher. If not, I'd like to say, "Nice to meet you. I am an illustrator, and I live on drawing."