Decision / 決定

從九月底開始，我就像能量小兔不停地規劃展覽的內容，想說的東西太多，卻又割捨不掉其中任何一環，所以我有種不是很相信自己的感覺，我真的做得出來嗎？

From the end of September, I’d been planning the exhibit with the incredible stamina of the Energizer bunny. There was so much I wanted to say, and I didn’t want to do without any detail. So I couldn’t whisk away the question mark in my mind—Is it really possible for me to come up with a decent exhibition in two months?

這個星期當我走到最後的試驗階段時，我突然領悟，我並沒有考量觀者的需要，我只是猛想著自己要分享的經驗，但是對我來說，藝術的目的已經超過自我表達，現在我期許當個能夠透過圖像和其他人互動或溝通的創作者。

Halfway through this week, at the final stage of trying my forms of expression, it dawned on me that I hadn’t taken into account the needs of the viewer. I was blinded by my strong desire to share the experiences. Yet for me, art should go beyond self-expression. I expect myself to be an artist who can interact and communicate with others through my images.

於是我下了一個讓我沮喪好幾天但卻是必要的決定，我來不及在明年一月展出，我得退出和薛吉的聯展，所以到時候步調咖啡的展覽就由薛吉一人獨挑大樑，但是我對她很有信心，因為她的作品呈現和我的相較起來，主題清楚多了。

Thus, I made a decision which was rather discouraging but necessary. I can’t make it for the exhibit in January next year. I have to back out of the duo exhibition with Shaggy, who will be the solo artist in TOTE Café then. I have much faith in her because compared with my works, there is a very clear theme in hers.

花了一個月，旅行的草稿加計畫用掉了四本札記本，我好像又回到了原點，但是如果沒有這些嘗試，我就不會找到我的方向，所以即使有些失望，我明白這個決定是必要的，我不想只是畫圖，我想要畫好圖。

It took me a month and four journal books to come so far. I seem to have gone back to the starting point. However, without these trials and errors, I wouldn’t find my direction. Despite my disappointment, I know I’ll come to this decision anyway. I don’t want just to draw. I want to draw well.

到時候大家一定要來看薛吉的展覽！你會看到滿滿的、繽紛的西班牙！

Please don’t miss Shaggy’s exhibit. You’ll get a heavy and satisfying taste of Spain!

Woodpecker / 啄木鳥

小方繪 / by Von

這是小方獨自在家創作的作品，我可是一點忙都沒幫到，因為我實在太引他為傲了，還要求他以冠軍得主的樣子，和自己的畫合影。

This piece, unlike the previous ones, was all done by Von himself. I didn’t give him any hand at all. I am so proud of him that I requested that he take a photo with his own work like a champ!

Black Holes / 黑洞

每個人都有黑洞，我要到心裡的黑洞晃一晃，出來的時候對它們說：怎麼樣，我還是白的！

Black holes dwell inside everybody. I want to take a tour to mine, and when I emerge, I will say to them: even though I roll and turn in all that black, I still come out of you white and unpolluted!

The Island Keeper / 小島管理員

「絕無完全空白的空間或時間這回事，總是有可以觀看或聆聽的事物。」 約翰凱吉

There is no such thing as an empty space or an empty time. There is always something to see, something to hear.” --John Cage


大多數對於每天重複的日常公事視為理所當然，或者會有被困於其中的感覺。上個星期末，我們得到了一個特別的機會體驗超現實的生活，因為H1N1，班上放了五天假，但我是唯一有特權的人，可以依舊重複著每日的模式，去學校、上愛班的課、在辦公室裡改作業做教材，改變的地方在於去到善班的教室時，只有拉起來的窗簾和四散的講義和我打招呼。

Most of us so take the repeated daily routines for granted, or we feel helplessly trapped. At the end of last week, my class was rewarded with a very unique opportunity for a surreal life experience. We were given five days off “thanks to” HINI. But I was the only privileged lucky one, being permitted to carry on with my everyday work, give lectures to Class Love, grade assignments and prepare teaching materials in the office. The only and the biggest difference was that whenever I entered our classroom, I was greeted only by the somber-looking curtains and scattered handouts on the dusty floor.

我的生活繼續，不過我的身分變得有些空洞，我們因為太習慣自己的角色，很少存以質疑，這幾天我卻開始想，我身為老師的地位是相對於學生，而且是現在這些特定的女孩，之前的或之後的，其實都不存在於目前的時間空間，畢竟我們的存在有絕對性的價值、卻也有相對性的意義。

My work life continued, but I wasn’t so sure about my identity as a teacher. We are so used to our various roles that few would question the validity of each. During the past few days, it dawned on me that my role as a teacher makes sense because of the existence of students, and only confirmed by these specific girls I have at present. Those I encountered in the past or will encounter in the future, in terms of realistic factors, don’t validate my current status at work. I am not denying the absolute significance of our existence, but we can by no means overlook the relative meanings of our roles in life.

停課的最後一天，我到教室裡去晃晃，讓桌椅吹吹風，我一邊記錄我的想念，然後我默默地說，能夠被困在每天的例行瑣事裡，是種看似平凡的奢侈。我在留下記號的同時，班上的每個人用自己的方式和我共鳴，只能和鳥為伴的Pamela寫了一首很棒的俳句，我一定要和大家分享：(邊打的時候改了幾個小地方，希望Pamela不要介意)

On the day before the girls returned, I decided to go for a look at the empty classroom, airing the space a little bit, and uttering my feeling in the pictorial form. I said to myself, “Isn’t it a seemingly ordinary luxury to be trapped in petits train-trains?” After all, that is a sign saying nothing goes wrong.

While I was leaving marks, everyone in class echoed back to me in their respective ways. Pamela, isolated in her small cell and accompanied by a pet bird, created a superb haiku, which I definitely have to share with the world here: (I revised it a little while typing. The broad-minded Pamela will forgive me for that.)

Ciao, Miss You
This is a short haiku
A small gift for you
You know on Friday there was a sudden news
That we’d been defeated by the flu
Three days in the classroom no “Bonjour”
You were the only one left to suffer the solitude
The bad mood loomed
Oh, poor Miss You
But I don’t have a clue
Why there was no panic found in your attitude
You should have been blue
I think maybe you were being mute
Oh, strong and calm Miss You
So much we’ve been through
Life would suck without you
At this very moment we parachuted
Together developing our long love affair
Remember,
Love will always be with our
Sweetest Miss You
--by Pamela Huang

Little Red Umbrella / 小紅傘

獻給我的小紅傘們

dedicated to my little red umbrellas

People We Love / 我們愛的人

這一兩個星期進教室之前，總會看到這張令我心一振的海報，因為暗暗覺得那就是我啊，卻沒有人來和我說，我的肖像被借用去當教師節的慶祝活動了。

These two weeks, before I go into the classroom, I never miss this poster which gives my heart a lift. I secretly believe it’s me, but no one told me about my image being borrowed for the celebration of Teacher’s Day.

今天心血來潮一問之下，發現是子榕的作品，而且果然主角就是我，本來就覺得這個作品很有fu，現在就更喜歡它，想到每天上班都可以看到自己，這是很大的鼓勵呢！而且我很高興我的側影旁沒有附上「師恩如高山流水」這一類的祝詞。

It occurred to me to look into the matter today. So it turned out to be Zi-Rong’s work and it’s me in the picture! It caught my eye in the beginning, and now I only get to like it much better. What’s more encouraging than seeing myself when I go to work every day? Besides, I am glad that next to my silhouette there is no cliché like “Teachers are as great as God…”

坐電車回家時，讀到Jodi Picoult寫的一句話，我們愛的人每天都會帶給我們不同的驚喜，好像再怎麼認識，都還是有期待之外的未知，每天每天都有不意擦出的小火花，我真是喜歡我的工作！

When I was reading on my way home, I came across some words in Jodi Picoult’s book. She said, people we love surprise us every day. No matter how well we know them, there are always sparkles and fire beyond our expectations. That explains why I like my job so much!

Miss You

就說，我的生日派對依舊持續著。我要感謝美燕和身邊的友人，這些人有著最美麗的靈魂。

Like I said, my birthday party goes on. Heartfelt thanks to Meiyen and those around me, who have the most beautiful souls.

我很久不用英文名字了，也很不喜歡別人直接叫我全名，所以每次和學生自我介紹時，會說，如果真的得叫我，就稱呼我Miss You吧！感覺這是個到六十歲仍然會很潮的名字。

I haven’t used any English name for ages. And I dislike people calling me by my full name. Therefore, whenever it’s time to introduce myself to new students, I’d say, call me Miss You. This feels like a trendy name that’ll still sound so when I sail into my sixties.

我們常說人如其名，名字真的會影響一個人的性格嗎？我想是吧，就算我們完全不自知，但是好像在無形中，我們的人格就朝著名字的意義發展。所以無論如何，我們都要試著喜歡自己的名字。

We often say, we are what our names indicate. Do names really influence one’s personalities? I think so. Even without our awareness, we develop into the kind of people our names want us to be. So we have to like our names anyway.

Miss You是個很容易引起誤會的稱呼，因為我在信尾簽上Miss You的時候，別人會勿以為我很想念他們，不過假如因此讓大家開心了一下，我倒不是很在意。最近這幾個禮拜，我覺得我的命運真的是被Miss You主導，走在校園裡，上一年教的女孩紛紛說：我很想你！或者畢業很多年的大女生透過友人傳達同樣的訊息，讓我原本冬眠的虛榮心燃燒了起來。

Miss You is a term that easily causes misunderstanding. When I sign Miss You at the end of a letter, people will read it as a message that I miss them. Well, if this makes their day, I don’t mind at all. Over the past few weeks, I have the feeling that my life has been crammed with Miss You. When I walk on the campus, the girls I taught last year would shout from a long way off, “I miss you!” Or those who graduated many years ago would convey the same message indirectly. Oh, how these words make my dormant vanity burn again…

想念可以很大，也可以小小的，我喜歡小小的想念，當你對我說，你想念我每天早上走進教室的第一句話，我的語氣裡充滿陽光地說：Good morning everyone。我覺得很意外，是因為這樣簡單的原因被惦記著。

We can be missed because of many many things, or maybe it’s just a tiny detail. I like the latter. When you say to me, I miss the first words you said when you stepped into the classroom every morning. I miss how you said, “Good morning everyone!” with sunshine in your tone. I am surprised that I am remembered due to such a simple reason.

雖然我知道自己很快就會被遺忘了，可是沒有關係，在那之前，你已經溫暖我的心房。

I know, I will be forgotten soon, but it won’t matter. Before that happens, you have warmed my heart.

star carrier / 載星星的人

靈感來自於小方 / inspired by Von

déjà vu / 似曾相識

隆達，西班牙 / Ronda, Spain

貓空，台北 / Maokong, Taipei

我收集似曾相識的時光。

I am a collector of déjà vu moments.

One Percent / 百分之一

照片攝於從瓦倫西亞前往格瑞納達的途中

photos taken on the way from Valencia to Granada

八月在計畫這學期英文專題課時，赫然發現請了外師的那天是我的生日，這是我給自己最大的禮物，畢竟我也常希望可以閉嘴，聽聽別人的聲音。

When I was planning the syllabus for this semester’s special courses for the gifted class back in August, it occurred to me that I had invited a foreign lecturer on my birthday. I think this is the biggest gift I have prepared for myself, by accident. After all, I often wish I could shut up and listen to others.

所以今天我一派輕鬆，不像平常，從早上就要開始準備，我本來想，我只要坐在教室後面兩個小時，快樂地過完另一個工作天。不過人生真的是處處有驚喜，要下課前夕，有一組同學的劇本主題是愛情，結果講師Igor很激動地說：華人最會隱藏自己的感情了，那不是害羞，是恐懼！我們對人示愛，百分之九十九會受挫，那又怎樣？如果能碰到百分之一，一切都值得！因為他又說，我很老了，但是我很快樂，請相信我說的真理。小朋友們懂不懂，我不清楚，但我點頭如搗蒜。

So today I was really at ease, unlike other weeks when I always have to start the preparation from the morning time. I thought all I had to do was sit in the back of the classroom and then draw a period to another happy work day. But life is just full of surprises. Right before the end of the class, one group of kids came up with the theme of love for their play. Then the lecturer Igor couldn’t help sharing his points of view with us: Chinese people are good at hiding their feelings! That is not being shy. It’s fear that stands in the way. When we bare our hearts to others, chances are that we might be turned down, and in 99% of the cases, it’s true. But if we run into that 1% of people, it’s all worth the effort. He kept saying, trust me because I’ve lived a long life and I am a happy man. I don’t know how the kids felt, but I nodded my head like crazy.

送Igor出去搭車的時候，我對他說，我總是打開心的那個人，不過都遭到拒絕了，他轉過來對我說，他們一定錯過許多，我沒有傷心或難過地說，我知道。

When I walked Igor to the bus station, I said to him, I am always the one that opens my heart, but I am constantly turned down. He just turned and looked at me, saying, “They have lost a lot.” I replied calmly without feeling sad or upset, “I know.”

除了之前收的無數的禮物，今天學生送了我George Benson的Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You，我剛好收到Jamie從芝加哥的來信，弟弟把Stacey Kent的專輯用美麗的黃絲帶包起來放在我桌上，傍晚爸爸要帶我去買新的慢跑鞋，我以為我生日禮物都收完了，卻來了這麼一個大禮物。我一定常常聽起來很像個快樂地很沒有深度的傻蛋，但那不是我不懂悲傷，我只是覺得它得用在值得的地方，我也有創傷，但那又怎樣呢？總有要痊癒的一天吧！所以我還是要相信，有一天我會找到真愛，有一天我會得波隆納，因為在相信和不相信之間，我還有甚麼選擇呢？

Apart from tons of gifts I had received before today, students sang to me today George Benson’s Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You, which is my favorite at this moment. I found Jamie’s letter from Chicago in the mailbox. Jun put Stacey Kent’s CD tied with a yellow ribbon on my desk. Dad is taking me to buy a pair of new running shoes this evening. Just when I thought I had got all the gifts, a BIG one dropped from the sky. I must sound like a shallow happy fool all the time, but that’s not because I don’t understand sorrow. I just believe it has to be used in the right places. I have trauma from the past, but so what? The wounds have to heal sooner or later. Therefore, I still want to believe that one day I will find true love and that I will become one of the selected illustrators in the Bologna Book Fair because between the choices of believing and not believing, you know the one I’d go for.