Beginning point / 起點

夏天是我的高生產季，每年五月左右，我的睡眠時間驟減，即使身體感受到某種程度的疲勞，依舊能夠專注地作畫，有時這樣的高效率都讓我驚訝。最近季節進入夏季，我又感覺到那般巨大的能量，而且內心充滿著渴望，想著各種我想嘗試的可能性，不過老實說，某些時刻我覺得自己快爆炸了，我的軀體快要無法承受強烈的想望，我開始覺得可以停下來也是好事。

I am especially productive in summer. Every year around May, I start to sleep much less. Even when my body feels a certain amount of fatigue, I can still focus on painting. Sometimes my efficiency really shocks me. Since a few weeks ago, I have felt that gigantic mojo. My heart almost bursts with the desire to try many possibilities that occur to me along the way. To be honest, sometimes I think I am going to explode. My body can't take that ambition. I can't help but think that if I can take a break, it will be really nice.

我被熱情的渴望向前推，卻也容易患得患失，好不容易建立起來的平靜心思很容易因為一句話或一個機會打翻，於是我又得重新開始，日常生活就是不停地尋找那微妙的平衡。說來愚蠢，這幾天居然因為母親去廟裡抽的一支籤感到些許沮喪，上面說，我應該要守住自己的本分，我明明就不是個迷信的人，但是可能我太在乎畫畫這件事了，無法不受到影響，我問自己除了自我滿足之外，還想要什麼，如果我要的只是如此單純，如果我像自己想得那麼穩，為何會有些低落？也許我要得不如自己想得純粹，要面對這個現實的想法也需要點勇氣。

I am pushed forward by passion, but it's like taking a roller coaster ride. I get excited easily, and I am easily frustrated as well. It takes me a while to be calm, yet sometimes a remark or an opportunity spoils that beautiful balance. Then I'll have to start all over again. My daily life is about retrieving the calm state. Stupid to say, these few days I have been kind of brought down by a lot my mom drew in a temple. It said that I should focus on my work because painting won't get me anywhere. I am not a superstitious person. However, I care too much about my art not to be influenced. I ask myself what I'd like to attain apart from self-satisfaction through creating. If I want nothing more than that, if I am so stable as I think, why do I feel low? Perhaps what I want is more than that. It takes guts to confront this realistic idea.

米類繪製的明信片

postcard by Milay

幸好在自我面對的那一刻，我的心裡有個畫面，而我急切地感到把它紀錄下來的慾望，在我實現它的同時，我因此得到解脫。小蕙前幾週去台東宣傳她的紀錄片時，捎來張明信片，她在雨中來回，搭夜車從台北下東部，破曉到達台東時，猛然往窗外一看，是一望無際的梯田和藏在山嵐裡的群峰，讀她的文字，我的腦裡浮現由這些細節構成的美景，不得不畫下來，而且所有大自然的畫面有種抒壓的力量。

Fortunately, at the moment of self-analysis, I have a picture in mind. I am eager to put it down, and in doing that, I am relieved. Huei sent me a postcard when she went down to Tai-dong for promoting her documentary a few weeks ago. She left in the rain, took a night train down along the east coast. When she arrived at dawn, she was happy to find vast green paddy fields and soaring mountains in the mist on looking out of the window. When I read her words, an image formed by these details emerge. I can't help painting it since I believe so firmly that nature holds a miraculously healing power.

她又說，紀錄片放映現場只有三名觀眾，就像我去年冷冷清清的畫展，但是我們都知道，我們這麼熱衷藝術，其實主要是為了自我取悅，我們也都走了如此長的一段路，很多事情不是只有三個觀眾或一張籤可以道盡。去年此時，小蕙和我邊玩耍邊拍她的第一支紀錄片，事隔一年，她即將要出國主修紀錄片，我有什麼進步呢？當時剛開始亂畫壓克力，一竅不通，現在也沒多了不起，倒是比較得心應手些，還有說不出的領悟和吸收新知，我們離當時的起點有好一段距離，我都了然於心，只是有時候沒辦法理性地安慰自己。

She wrote, there were only three viewers in the theater. It kind of reminded her of my exhibition which was not noticed by too many people last summer. We are so in love with art mainly for pleasing ourselves. We've come such a long way that it cannot be summarized by the fact that there were only three viewers or by a lot. Last year at this time, Huei and I made her first documentary and played along. A year later, she is about to go to the UK for advanced film studies. Any progress on my side? Well, I was a total beginner of acrylic painting then. I wouldn't say that I am good now, but at least I am more familiar with the medium. There is also some progress which cannot be put down in words. We are so far from the beginning point then. I know it all, but sometimes I can't convince myself when I am not that upbeat.

所以說，生活裡的每一刻看似終點或結束，其實都只是起點，失敗之後再站起來是起點，成功之後重新開始也是起點。我得拿出年少時期的土撥鼠精神，埋頭向前，我想神祇給我那樣的訊息，只是要考驗我吧！

So, every moment in life looks like the end, but it is actually a beginning point. After the failure, we start anew. After the success, we are faced with a new challenge. I need to review the marmot spirits of my teens. I have to burrow hard without looking up to check my progress so often. God gives me the above-mentioned message just to test me, I think.

明年此時的起點我往回看，又會看到什麼呢？我不知道，如果要找出答案，你要一直回來喔！

When I look back from the beginning point a year from now on, what will I see? I don't know. If you want to find out the answer, you'll have to keep coming back.

﹝小註﹞目前有諸多projects纏身，義大利之旅暫時停刊，我沒有忘記它。

PS: I am tied down with some projects for the time being, so I'll take a pause from the Italy project for the time being. Just want to let you know that I have not forgotten it.

the reason for no tears / 不哭的原因

一個多月前，在畢業旅行的營火晚會上，我們在沙灘上圍成一圈，天上的星星閃亮到不行，女孩們繞著我，天真誠懇的眼神冀望我說些感性的話，我始終只是笑笑的，可是有些小妞已經開始掉淚，相較之下我顯得有些冷血。之後同學們紛紛對我說，老師真沒fu，我答道，我的感情都投注在日常生活裡了，在你看得到和看不到的細節中。

More than a month ago, in the bonfire party on our graduation trip, girls formed a circle on the beach with me in the middle. The stars in the sky shone like crazy. Instead of gazing at them, they looked at me with so much innocence and expectation in their eyes. They'd like me to make some remarks full of feeling. I just smiled, but some girls began to shed tears. Compared with them, I gave the impression of being cold-blooded. Afterwards, girls said to me, "You are so cold..." I replied that all my love is invested in the small details in daily life, visible and invisible.

說每分每秒想著你太過誇張，不過你常常猛一下在我搭車、畫畫、慢跑、甚至是如廁的時候就這樣闖入我的心房，於是我開始想著要怎麼樣幫助你，拉你一把、或者只是讓你微笑，從前我總覺得自己很無聊，下班之後還要因為你的問題苦惱，現在倒是覺得我不得不，因為也許我的一句話，你會在往後人生失意的時刻想到這句話，永遠有復原的力量，但這也可能只是我自以為是的想法，不過無論如何，我沒有辦法坐視不管。

It would be too exaggerated to say that I think of you every moment. But the thought of you does take me by surprise when I am dozing on the subway, painting in my little room, jogging in the park, or even going about the daily routine in the bathroom. Then I start to rack my brain, wondering how I can give you a hand, lift you up or just make you smile. I hated myself obsessing about you even after work. Now I have the idea that I can't help it. Maybe because of something I say, it will always give you strength when you are down in the future to come. You'll thus be able to stand up again. Alright, perhaps this is just my presumptuous idea. Yet I can't leave you alone.

於是你沮喪的時候，我也受到影響，但是我不會耽溺在那樣自憐的情緒，我會跳出來，用我的成熟樂觀感染你，給你另一種看人生的視野。可是，你不是唯一的受益者，我也從你的身上感受到年輕的光芒和希望，如果今天我做的完全不同的工作，別人不會以為我看起來只有十八歲，光是這個原因，我和自己說，看來只能繼續待在這個行業了。你也給我新的觀點，常常走在路上還會因為你造的某句蠢話噗哧一笑。

So when you are low, I feel your frustration. But I won't indulge myself in that self-pity. I'll detach myself from the subjective emotion, infect you with my optimism, and give you a brand-new viewpoint to look at life. You probably think you are the only beneficiary. Then you are wrong because I am so enveloped in your youth and energy. If I were doing a totally different job today, other people wouldn't always believe that I am only 18 years old. With that reason alone, I tell myself that I have no choice but to stay in this profession. You also give me new outlooks on life. Sometimes I burst into laughter like a madwoman on the street on thinking of a certain stupid English sentence you made in class.

因為喜歡你，所以對你有期待，不是要成為最了不起的人，而是希望你對自己有要求，對自己負責任，找到過好生活的竅門，如果你和我說，我終於找到我要的，我會替你高興，那代表說，我可以不用擔心你，可以完全地信任你，可以滿滿地以你為傲。

Because I like you, I expect much of you. You don't have to become the greatest person in the world, but you have to believe that you can make something of yourself. You need to be responsible for yourself. You have to look for ways to lead a better life. If you tell me that you've finally found what you want, I'll feel so happy for you. That means, I won't have to worry about you, I will have complete trust in you, and I will be so proud of you.

我想，是因為遇見了你，讓我可以再多給一些，想再多給一些，我覺得自己很幸運。但是對於已經離開的你，曾經相遇過的你，還在我生命裡的你，我也一樣珍惜，我是這樣一路走來，才累積了力量，所以就算是負面的衝擊，都只是讓我成為更溫柔敦厚的人。

Because of our encounter, I start to believe that I can give some more and I want to give some more. I consider myself one of the luckiest people. However, for you who have left, who I once met, who are still in my life, I cherish you all the same. Everyone in my life makes me what I am today. Even though there were conflicts or unpleasantness, they all helped me to become a tender and magnanimous being.

我沒有哭，因為感情太深層了，是眼淚也無法包括的。

I didn't cry because the feeling was too deep-running. Tears couldn't contain all that…

Fantasy of the Little Room / 11號狂想曲

前一陣子無法抑止地想念台灣東海岸的風光，一看到「單車環島練習曲」的海報，整個心神立刻被吸引，這部電影讓我在數個月之後回到戲院。本來只是帶著可以欣賞台灣美景的期待，但是電影本身令人驚豔，即使已經過了兩個星期，想到片中用平實敘事手法帶過的感人故事，依舊在我的心上撩起漣漪。

A while ago I was obsessed with the beautiful East Taiwan. I couldn't help thinking back on my past trips. On seeing the poster of Bike Etude, I was tempted to go back to the theater which I hadn't visited for months. I didn't expect anything other than the lovely scenery of the island, but I came out totally carried away by the touching and profound stories narrated in down-to-earth ways. Even though two weeks have passed by, the film still arouses ripples in my heart when I speak of it.

雖然我很喜歡旅行，我想我沒有東明相的決心，能夠在七天六夜裏，騎著單車，用盡各種方式，體驗沿途和他交會的人生。不過我在慢跑之餘，想到以我每日3.6公里的腳程，一年換算下來（假如我沒有偷懶的話），也可以累積1500公里左右，這樣就可以繞台灣兩圈，以徒步的方式，我應該也會遇到各式各樣的人，激盪出各種火花吧！

I love to travel, but I don't have the determination of the protagonist, a young boy with hearing disability. He traveled around the island within 7 days by bicycle and encountered many people, even becoming part of their stories.

While I was jogging one evening, it occurred to me that with my daily 3.6 kilometers every day, I will accumulate a mileage of 1,500 kilometers per year, if I am not lazy. With that distance, I can jog around Taiwan twice. On my journey, I will run into people from all walks of life and end up with tons of stories.

我不確定會不會成行，但是我先把腦中的影像記錄下來，我自在地繞著這可愛的小島慢跑，沿途是金光閃閃的海面，陽光在波浪上漫舞，空氣中盡是海鹽和柏油路的味道，到達西岸，會有翠綠高聳的山脈迎接我，啊，美麗的台灣！

I am not sure if I will make it. Yet it doesn't hurt for me to put down the image in my head. I jog around the island carefreely. Along the coast is the dazzling sea on which the sunlight dances. The air smells of sea salt and asphalt of the roads. When I reach the west coast, the soaring and lush mountains will be there to welcome me. Ah, beautiful Taiwan!

Mother and daughter, traveling together 4 / 媽媽和我的旅行 4

第三章─媽媽總是對的 嗎？

Chapter 3—Mom is always right...?

last photo taken in Venice

As far as I can remember, my childhood was all about moving from one place to another. This trip feels like the review lesson.

It is mentally and physically exhausting to be constantly on the move. We have pleasant moments of heart-to-heart talks, but most of the time, we breathe, meditate, rest, communicate and even complain in the silence secretly accepted by both of us. I was not aware of such ease in my mom's presence when I was a child.

photos taken in Venice

Yet, the beautiful yet precarious balance between my mom and me does not last long. Soon, the lovely joy of discovering a new city is replaced by the panic of getting lost. I, the leader, am challenged by the heavy luggage and the burning sunshine. I have a feeling that my anger is about to break free the lid of rationality. As for Mom, her impatience brews silently.

"It's just impossible for me to get lost!"

photos taken in front of Alloggi Henry, Venice

All the negative feeling waits for a perfect moment to explode...

"Right here!"

"O sole mio!"

"Don't you ever touch my daughter!"

"Come with me!"

first photo taken at Alloggi Henry, Venice
second photo taken at Ms. You's apartment
last photo taken in Venice

I can't help flying into a rage. Besides the disrespect I feel in being treated as a child, I am even deprived of the little, trivial pleasure of arousing men's curiosity. My stupid vanity is examined with Mom's harsh sense of morality. I really regret traveling with her.

"Why do you always treat me like an ignorant kid!"
"I wanted to protect you for goodness' sake!"

If I didn't come, I would have a cool time with my honey at home...

If I were alone, I would encounter dozens and dozens of guys...

photos taken at Alloggi Henry, Venice

"Rise and shine!"

"O sole mio!"
"Here he comes again! To another woman!"

"I have told you that he is not worthy of trust..."

So my first lame romantic encounter in Italy ends in a lame way.

Again I have learned that there is some truth in the saying "Mom is always right." Though reluctantly I have to admit that my mom is more experienced, I still believe that she can't always be right!

Mother and daughter, traveling together 3 / 媽媽和我的旅行 3

第二章 (下)─旅行公約

Chapter 2 (part II)—Traveling Pacts

photos taken at Caserta

4. Walk, walk, and walk more:

One of the major reasons why I love traveling is that I can walk to my heart's content. Many of my traveling companions are aware of my self-abusive love for walking.

But it's different to travel with my mom. I have to take her physical condition into account. Thus, my insistence and willfulness face the greatest challenge I've ever encountered.

"Let's try to walk from here to there, the end."
"That is SO IMPOSSIBLE!"

"I hardly have a chance to walk so much!"

"I ache all over. I can't go on anymore…"

"Where is Mom?"

photos taken at Colosseum, Rome

5. Can't I be alone?

I am used to traveling alone, so I suggest to Mom that we should go each one's way from time to time. My mom is afraid of nothing except being left alone in a foreign place. Well, it seems that God has given me a very difficult task...

"Mom, let's be apart for a while. I'll see you later, bye!"
"She knows well that I am scared!"

"Where the hell am I?"

"I am the queen of the world!"

"From now on, we have to stick together forever!"
"Just like when I was little...Sigh..."

6. Being sentimental is FORBIDDEN!

Because of my age and single status, Mom is quite likely to become sentimental, especially on seeing lovely couples. On our trip, it is forbidden to feel so. I consider myself super lucky to live such a wonderful life, to be able to travel around the world, and to share with my mom a trip full of ups and downs.

There is more than one definition for a happy life.

"Why is my daughter single?"
"It's not fair!"
"Why!"
"I don't want it for my daughter!"

"Mom, life is not always about 'two' people."

"Besides, for others, we are 'a couple' too!"

photo 1 taken at Hotel Ascot, Rome
photo 2 (the upper pictures) taken in Rome / (the lower pictures) taken in Venice
photo 3 taken at Pensione Andreina, Rome

7. No traveling without writing:

Our trip lasts three whole weeks. We see tons of new things every day. I told mom if she does not make any note, then I won't take her out anymore. It feels good to say this to her because I, as a daughter, can repeat what Mom used to say to her!

"You have to write down our stories, or you can't come with me next time!"
"Gee, she is so demanding!"

"Good girl!"

"I used to be punished by mom for not writing homework. Now I can take turns to be the teacher. Isn't that fabulous?"



本日小問題：

從現在開始，miragee和媽媽會不停地出現在背景的照片中，今天miragee在哪裡？

Question of the Day:

From now on, you'll see me or my mom in the photos. Where is miragee today?

Encounters in the Little Room / 小房間裡的相遇

每年到了這個時候，我總是特別想念海洋，好像是因為從春末要進入夏季了，我的心溫度攀高，因應著季節的變化騷動著，情感特別地不安份，對於許多人事物的懷舊感觸，如波濤般地湧上心頭，有時強烈到我內斂的個性都無法駕馭。還好，我還坐得下來，靜靜地繪畫，把我的思念畫成一張又一張的明信片。

Every year at this time, I miss the ocean terribly. With the seasonal transition from spring to summer, the temperature of my heart rises abruptly, churning wildly in response to the change of nature. My feelings dance, unwilling to stop. I feel nostalgic about people I met and stories that happened in the past. The emotion is so overwhelming that even my reserved and calm nature can barely tame it. Luckily, I can still sit down and paint quietly, with a little bit of self-hypnosis. I thus turn the images in my dream into postcards.

兩週前才從熱情四溢的墾丁回來，卻不停地想著蔚藍大海，我以為那樣的思念來自於對現實生活的缺乏期待，生活四周也只有我嚷嚷著要去海邊，不過我一向知道自己和別人不太一樣。前幾天就在我即將枯萎之際，辦公室來了兩名興奮的年輕人─我就稱他們為「寫生雙拍檔」，因為學校畫展之故，我們發現雙方的共同嗜好，也就是畫畫，自此之後，我們就有聊不完的話題，還互相督促，相約下次見面時檢查間賞析彼此的作品。

Though I just took a trip to the hot Kenting in South Taiwan, I couldn't cease missing the azure sea. Somehow I had the feeling that it reflected my lack of expectation toward the boring daily life. I seemed to be the only person with such a strong longing. Well, I'd always known that I was kind of different from others. A few days ago, right when I was about to wither, two young men from an English magazine we subscribed to came into the office. I'll call them "Sketch II Men" here. Because of my exhibition at school, we had discovered our shared interest in painting. Since then, we have had tons of subjects to chat about. We even made a promise to supervise and examine each other's artworks next time we met.

「好想去海邊啊！」雙拍檔之小白大呼著，我睜大眼睛地看著他，心有戚戚焉地回答我也是，原來「寫生雙人組」夏季時便結伴去寫生，儘管烈日當頭，汗如雨下，路人指指點點，這兩名率性的青年依舊灑脫地在戶外塗塗抹抹，相較於他們，嬌滴滴的我坐在室內，吹著電風扇，我想我一定錯過了許多大自然的奇異變化和美麗。

"How I'd love to go to the sea!" Whitey of Sketch II Men exclaimed. I stared at him in astonishment, and replied "me too" with so much understanding. Sketch II Men often went out for sketches in summer. Despite the sweltering sun, despite the crazy sweats, despite the gossipy passers-by, they still had a superb time painting outdoors. Compared with them, I paint like a princess, sitting indoors with the electric fans surrounding me. I must have missed many wonderful and beautiful miracles of nature…

我們越聊越起勁，辦公室裡充滿我們吵鬧的聲音，不久下課鐘響了，不久午飯時間就這麼飛逝而過，他們離開之後，我居然回想不起來之前沒有精神的原因。最近勤讀各式各樣的插畫家介紹，幾乎所有的人都認為創作是很寂寞的一條路，大部分時間要和自己獨處。我常和自己獨處，是因為個性使然，可是即使我坐在小房間裡，還是有許許多多的天使從我的窗口飛過，敲我的門，我的幸福無法言喻‧‧‧

With time passing, we got more and more excited in our talk about art, traveling, and life. The office was filled with our noisy voices. Before long the bell rang. Before long the noon break was over. After they left, I couldn't remember anymore why I was so fatigued.

I've been reading introduction on many excellent illustrators lately. Almost everyone considers this profession to be a long lonely journey. Most of the time, the creators have to be with themselves. I often spend time with myself and that derives largely from my personalities. Yet even when I sit in my little room, still, many angels fly by the windows and come knock at the door, saying hello to me in all sorts of ways. My good luck is really beyond words...

謝謝貝琳、寫生雙拍檔、即將成為寫生雙拍檔之成員Jason、還有一直默默地愛著我的所有人。

Sincere thanks to Beiling, Sketch II Men, Jason, who is about to be the third member of Sketch II Men, and those who never stop loving me...

Mother and daughter, traveling together 2 / 媽媽和我的旅行 2

第二章(上)─旅行公約

Chapter 2 (part I): Traveling Pacts

photo taken at Hotel Andreina, Rome

Mom and I haven't traveled together for ages. I am not so familiar with her quirks when it comes to traveling and vice versa. According to my experiences, it's wiser to say out loud our do's and dont's in the open. In this way, we'll have a better mutual understanding and more fun along the way.

Traveling is all about accepting people the way they are...

"Mom, the following are our traveling pacts."
"What? Pacts for traveling???"

photo 1 taken at Venice
photo 2 taken at Pisa

1.Veggie-mania:

I can go to extremes in many aspects, and eating happens to be one of them. To be honest, I am not a vegetarian, but I tend to be paranoid about my health on trips. Well, especially the annoying constipation. On the contrary, Mom can't survive without meat. We end up struggling between meat and veggies every day.

"Let's eat nothing but veggies and fruits on this trip!"
"Go veggie?"

"I am still hungry..."

photo 1 taken at Florence
photo 2 taken at Naples
photo 3 taken at Hotel Bologna, Florence

"Yummy!"
"Eat the meat with some salads!"



"I am so FULL!"
"I have it up to my throat!"

photos taken at Fiumicino Train Station, Rome

2. Must-know for the stray lambs:

There is no know-it-all tour guide on our self-service trip, but we don't need to worry at all. Mom has me, and I have maps and my mouth. Sometimes every little detail points to THE DIRECTION. It's purely fear that blindfolds us. Besides, getting lost isn't really that scary. As a matter of fact, it can lead to new, unexpected adventures!

"Gee, self-help trips mean 'getting lost!'"

"Don't panic! Sometimes the direction we are looking for is RIGHT THERE!"

photos taken at Venice

3. Take our time:

Our daily life is packed with too many insignificant routines. We rush from one task to another, almost nonstop. When traveling, we should avoid the same thing. Instead, we should take our time to observe how other people lead their lives. To me, traveling is not about visiting as many tourist traps as possible, but about learning from what we haven't seen and experienced before.

"What is all this fuss about?"
"Let's just hurry up!"

"We are TRAVELING! We should slow down and enjoy every moment to the full!"

to be continued...