Saturday, May 26, 2007

the reason for no tears / 不哭的原因

一個多月前,在畢業旅行的營火晚會上,我們在沙灘上圍成一圈,天上的星星閃亮到不行,女孩們繞著我,天真誠懇的眼神冀望我說些感性的話,我始終只是笑笑的,可是有些小妞已經開始掉淚,相較之下我顯得有些冷血。之後同學們紛紛對我說,老師真沒fu,我答道,我的感情都投注在日常生活裡了,在你看得到和看不到的細節中。

More than a month ago, in the bonfire party on our graduation trip, girls formed a circle on the beach with me in the middle. The stars in the sky shone like crazy. Instead of gazing at them, they looked at me with so much innocence and expectation in their eyes. They'd like me to make some remarks full of feeling. I just smiled, but some girls began to shed tears. Compared with them, I gave the impression of being cold-blooded. Afterwards, girls said to me, "You are so cold..." I replied that all my love is invested in the small details in daily life, visible and invisible.

說每分每秒想著你太過誇張,不過你常常猛一下在我搭車、畫畫、慢跑、甚至是如廁的時候就這樣闖入我的心房,於是我開始想著要怎麼樣幫助你,拉你一把、或者只是讓你微笑,從前我總覺得自己很無聊,下班之後還要因為你的問題苦惱,現在倒是覺得我不得不,因為也許我的一句話,你會在往後人生失意的時刻想到這句話,永遠有復原的力量,但這也可能只是我自以為是的想法,不過無論如何,我沒有辦法坐視不管。

It would be too exaggerated to say that I think of you every moment. But the thought of you does take me by surprise when I am dozing on the subway, painting in my little room, jogging in the park, or even going about the daily routine in the bathroom. Then I start to rack my brain, wondering how I can give you a hand, lift you up or just make you smile. I hated myself obsessing about you even after work. Now I have the idea that I can't help it. Maybe because of something I say, it will always give you strength when you are down in the future to come. You'll thus be able to stand up again. Alright, perhaps this is just my presumptuous idea. Yet I can't leave you alone.

於是你沮喪的時候,我也受到影響,但是我不會耽溺在那樣自憐的情緒,我會跳出來,用我的成熟樂觀感染你,給你另一種看人生的視野。可是,你不是唯一的受益者,我也從你的身上感受到年輕的光芒和希望,如果今天我做的完全不同的工作,別人不會以為我看起來只有十八歲,光是這個原因,我和自己說,看來只能繼續待在這個行業了。你也給我新的觀點,常常走在路上還會因為你造的某句蠢話噗哧一笑。

So when you are low, I feel your frustration. But I won't indulge myself in that self-pity. I'll detach myself from the subjective emotion, infect you with my optimism, and give you a brand-new viewpoint to look at life. You probably think you are the only beneficiary. Then you are wrong because I am so enveloped in your youth and energy. If I were doing a totally different job today, other people wouldn't always believe that I am only 18 years old. With that reason alone, I tell myself that I have no choice but to stay in this profession. You also give me new outlooks on life. Sometimes I burst into laughter like a madwoman on the street on thinking of a certain stupid English sentence you made in class.

因為喜歡你,所以對你有期待,不是要成為最了不起的人,而是希望你對自己有要求,對自己負責任,找到過好生活的竅門,如果你和我說,我終於找到我要的,我會替你高興,那代表說,我可以不用擔心你,可以完全地信任你,可以滿滿地以你為傲。

Because I like you, I expect much of you. You don't have to become the greatest person in the world, but you have to believe that you can make something of yourself. You need to be responsible for yourself. You have to look for ways to lead a better life. If you tell me that you've finally found what you want, I'll feel so happy for you. That means, I won't have to worry about you, I will have complete trust in you, and I will be so proud of you.

我想,是因為遇見了你,讓我可以再多給一些,想再多給一些,我覺得自己很幸運。但是對於已經離開的你,曾經相遇過的你,還在我生命裡的你,我也一樣珍惜,我是這樣一路走來,才累積了力量,所以就算是負面的衝擊,都只是讓我成為更溫柔敦厚的人。

Because of our encounter, I start to believe that I can give some more and I want to give some more. I consider myself one of the luckiest people. However, for you who have left, who I once met, who are still in my life, I cherish you all the same. Everyone in my life makes me what I am today. Even though there were conflicts or unpleasantness, they all helped me to become a tender and magnanimous being.

我沒有哭,因為感情太深層了,是眼淚也無法包括的。

I didn't cry because the feeling was too deep-running. Tears couldn't contain all that…


14 comments:

Anonymous said...

感覺游小淳會一輩子對於老師這個行業有滿滿的熱情,也會一輩子都是18歲,能當你的學生真是一件幸福的事情。或許正是因為大家太喜歡你了,才希望能看到老師也有一樣的表示吧!只是沒想到是更令人動容的。
很謝謝游小淳總是拉我們一把,我也常常害怕自己對於別人的過多關心會很無聊,不過好像不是這麼一回事的樣子,如果沒有其他人的關心,這個班才會真的是零下30度。

噢,游小淳你真是迷人!

Marc said...

Your texts are soothing.

:)

Anonymous said...

我感動了
可惜不是你...陪我走到最後^^

Anonymous said...

補充一下:夏天...會很灰暗吧~但我們還是可以一起去植物園~~~真開心~你找我耶!

轉組還可以選班喔...還是你可以選我?^^
現在...比較需要輔導...

Anonymous said...

從這篇文字中可以看出妳對學生們的期許和妳的關注, 感性的表達不是只有落淚, 也許妳不習慣在人前掉淚, 但我們知到每人都有釋放情感的方式...

Weichuen You said...

薛吉:說一輩子好像有點恐怖,因為這樣聽起來很像是了不起的承諾,如果最後做不下去,就很不好意思,不過無論如何,都要找到可以支撐下去的方法才行。

我想我們對別人的關心,別人都有感受到,只是他們可能不是用我們想的方式回應,就算最糟的情況,他們一點感動也沒有,起碼我們也盡力了對吧?

被你稱讚得我還真是不好意思呢!

marc: They are about how I have felt lately...Beliefs that keep me going on...

小金:我還是在你的生活裡啊!幹嘛說得很像我們是已經分手的戀人呢?

夏天為什麼會很灰暗呢?外面的太陽不是白花花的嗎?

johnny: 是啊,流淚不是唯一表達情感的方法。這好像要年紀大一點才有辦法體會。

constance wong said...

Miragee, this is so touching....like tears that cannot contain all, my words are too shallow to be used to describe how your written words have effected me....

wisdom....they come in various ages...

Callipygia said...

So true and beautifully said that are feelings can be seen in both the visible and invisible details. Yes, what a lucky woman you are.

Anonymous said...

嗯! 原來小游跟小金在一起呀!
祝妳們幸福嘍!

Weichuen You said...

Constance: I guess this is one of the posts I write to persuade myself that getting old is not that negative:-).

Calli: Yes, I am lucky and I am glad that I know that all along...

Johnny: 我們還蠻幸福的啊!

Anonymous said...

The feeling is genuine, tear or not!

BTW, have you received Mochi's photo card? Maybe you can paint it as well!

Weichuen You said...

Louis: Yes I did! It's a really great idea to take Mochi as my model, but please give me some time. I am so busy and tired lately:-).

Anonymous said...

咦?小金?那是誰呀?呵!
每年的畢業典禮我總忍不住掉下兩滴眼淚,
雖然自己真正帶完三年的只有一個班,
而那也是四年前的事情了!
很高興我們都默默在這個崗位上努力著,
時代再怎麼變遷,相信真心還是可以被看見!

Weichuen You said...

spookie: 小金是個很可愛的小女生,不是你想的那樣啦!

小鳳這幾天來台灣,昨天和她見了面,他對於我們能做老師的工作很羨慕,我也覺得很幸運。你說得對,真心是可以被感受到的!