remembered drawing II / 記憶畫法（二）

這一週天氣轉陰，開始下雨了，我的高昂指數立刻大幅下滑，再加上我可能給自己的壓力太大，居然有點失智，去美術行買完速寫本沒帶回家，去圖書館查完書學生證就丟在那裡，導致隔兩天去上學遭到警衛的為難。

This week the weather turned cloudy and rainy. As a result, my mood suffered a drastic downturn since I am such a weather-oriented person. Plus, I probably imposed too much pressure on myself so that I started to have signs of dementia. I forgot the newly-bought sketchbook in the art supply shop. I left my student ID in the library without being aware of it at all, and I came near being blocked by the guard when I went to school two days later. 

星期四的檢討會之前，我很努力地擠出六張圖，謹記老師要我們用圖像傳達過去這個夏天的回憶，但是我有種筋疲力盡的感覺，心裡面還是有圖可畫，可是我不想被困在同樣的風格裡。不知是不是天氣變化，同學們也都懶洋洋的，助教也只有傑克出現，我深愛的露不知為何沒有來，於是傑克要每一個人在全班面前分享作品，而不是像之前的小組討論。

Before the crit on Thursday, I struggled to come up with six images, bearing in mind that I should put down my memory of the past summer break and express its feelings by appealing to the viewer's five senses. I felt drained by the end of Wednesday. There were still ample images in my mind, but I couldn't proceed because I didn't feel like repeating similar techniques or style. I wonder if it was the change in weather that caused everyone's fatigue on Thursday morning. Only one tutor Jake showed up. Lou, whom I know much better, was nowhere to be found. Jake wanted everyone to present his or her works in front of the whole class rather than group discussions like the past few weeks. 

雖然有些疲累，我還是認真地記筆記，傑克是個多話的老師，不過給的意見又多又實用，我想在接下來的三天對於我將要畫的圖會有很大的啟發。儘管如此，隨著看每個人的作品，我開始有信心危機，覺得自己的作品好像不如人，尤其是看到那種走精工路線的作品，我的野獸派和印像派畫就自慚形穢。

Though I was rather fatigued, I still took notes like mad. Jake is a talkative teacher, but his advice is plenty and helpful. His suggestions will do me much good when it comes to the images I am going to present during the following three days. Despite this awareness, I started to suffer a confidence crisis as we looked at more and more people's assignments. I had a strong feeling that my works are inferior. Especially when I saw images formed  by super fine lines, I felt like hiding my Fauvist and Impressionist drawings. 

傑克為了懲罰遲到的同學，要他們先做分享，其實我覺得要懲罰他們應該不要看他們的作品，因為這樣他們就得不到評論，但傑克以為我們都不想把作品給大家看。雖然我並不覺得自己做得特別好，可是我如果得到建議會很高興，不幸地，隨性的傑克沒有把時間控制好，我是被遺忘的一群，也怪我不是很主動啦，於是我的週四似乎就要在黑暗中落幕了。

To punish the students who were late, Jake wanted them to share their works first. In fact, I think the punishment should be not to look at their sketchbooks because then they wouldn't get any feedback. However, Jake thought most of us didn't want to show our own drawings. I don't think I did a brilliant job, but if I get advice, positive or negative, I will know how to improve. Unluckily, the free Jake didn't pay much attention to time, and I was among those who were forgotten. I was to blame too since I wasn't very active. Thus, my Thursday was about to end in darkness...

回家的路上和維琪及繪里同行，陪維琪等車時，聊著聊著突然有點想開了，好像沒必要把自己弄成這樣，明明我也知道要放鬆，但狀況好的時候逼得了，一走下坡就要快點鬆手。看了一個晚上的愚蠢偶像劇，睡了一場好覺，第二天醒來又是滿滿的靈感，人生不就是這樣嘛！

On my way home I walked with Vicky and Elie. While waiting for the bus with Vicky, I kind of figured out the whole thing. There was no point in pushing myself like this. I know better than anyone that I have to relax. When I am in good shape, I can make myself go very far. But I have to let go once I detect I am going downhill. I watched a silly TV drama for a whole evening and got a good night sleep. The next morning when I woke up, I was full of ideas again. Isn't life so simple like that... 

這是被困在蘭嶼的颱風夜。

This was the night when we were trapped in Lanyu by an approaching typhoon. 

這張圖看起來很可怕，可是我卻覺得是很好的實驗。我在蘭嶼潛水的時候是很害怕的，雖然覺得是很棒的經驗，和別人也都這麼說，但深層的記憶是恐懼。

This picture looks terrible, but I think of it as a very good experiment. I was very afraid when diving in Lanyu. It's a fantastic experience, and I keep telling others that. However, the memory at the deepest level is about fear. 

其實很多圖都可以追溯到部落格之前的記錄，但我還是加了新的元素。過去的夏天裡親了宥宥，和小方阿楷玩耍，畫這張圖的早上下著雨，我想有一天他們對於小時候的回憶應該也記不清楚了，可是在心裡的一角應該還會有我吧！

As a matter of fact, many images can be associated with my earlier entries of the past summer on the blog, but I added new elements. In the past summer, I kissed Yoyo, spent much time playing with Von and Kai. The morning when I drew this picture, it was raining. I guess one day these boys won't have a clear recollection of their childhood, but maybe deep down in one small corner, they will still remember me... 

去山裡頭時阿長躺在竹林裡睡午覺，我想記錄林中的微風。週四只有兩個人看了我的速寫本，她們翻到這張時很讚嘆，但我很失望，因為這是我花了好幾個月練習的技法，可以騙騙人，我倒希望她們看出前幾張的突破性。

When we went to the mountains, Dad took a nap in the bamboo woods. I'd like to depict how the breeze felt at that moment. Only two people looked at my sketchbook on the sad Thursday. They were amazed by this drawing, but to be honest, I was disappointed. It took me months to practice the techniques so I could impress those who don't know much about Chinese ink painting. I would feel happier if they saw the breakthrough I made in the previous drawings. 

夏天和阿長小雪去神木林，為了表達樹皮的觸感，又不想重覆之前的技法，這次我拿了雞蛋盒，還有撿來的葉子用來印顏料在紙上。

I went to the giant tree forest with Dad and Mom in summer. To express the tactile feel of the bark without repeating what I had done before, this time I used the egg box and leaves I picked on the street as a kind of coloring medium. 

每次過度使用媒材之後我就想回到單純的畫畫技術上，可是我覺得這張圖看起來有點空，你們說呢？

Every time after I overuse media, I feel like going back to simply drawing. But this picture feels kind of empty. What do you think? 

低潮過後都很像吃了大力丸，狀態馬上向上攀升。這是和阿麗和小蕙去海邊玩，我以前很少用鉛筆，現在不能不用，完全憑記憶畫得出來這樣，我自己覺得很神奇。

After I hit the lowest point, I'll bounce back to a very high peak as if I took drugs. I went to the seaside with Lee and Hui back in August. I hardly used pencils, but now I can't live without them. I find it amazing that I could do something like this totally from memory. 

本來要畫外婆的冬瓜滷，但後來就畫成這樣，我很喜歡。

I had meant to draw Granny's pickled white gourds, but later it turned out to be so. I like it a lot myself. 

夏天有很多去醫院的回憶。

I have many memories of hospital visits during summer break. 

班上很多少女喜歡畫黑暗風的東西，我也被她們影響了。

Several girls in my class love the dark styles, and I am more or less influenced by them. 

這週我要用穩定又放鬆的步伐完成速寫本，至少我要是唯一一個在乎自己作品的人。今晚繪里和新朋友奇蒂來邀我去參加萬聖節派對，我說我明天要早起去打羽毛球，果然就是個和少男少女格格不入的大嬸啊！不過我知道自己這週的狀況有點走下坡，我得運動運動才行！

This coming weekend I am going to finish my sketchbook at a steady yet relaxed pace. At least I have to be the only person that cares about my works. This evening Elie and a new friend Kitty invited me to go to a Halloween party, but I said I have to get up early to play badminton tomorrow morning. Well, I do have completely different life schedules than young boys and girls. Yet since I know I am kind of going down, I can use some exercise!