sun, hotel; hotel, sun / 陽光旅館，旅館陽光

happy crow's feet / 快樂的魚尾紋

竣 攝影 / photos taken by Jun

Are You Lonesome Tonight My Dear? / 親愛的，今夜你寂寞嗎？

天黑了，音響裡傳來男歌手有點哀傷的歌聲，「親愛的，今夜你寂寞嗎？」我低頭思索著要從120枝色鉛筆裡選哪一個顏色搭配圖面，一邊我吸著涼涼的空氣，突然腦海中閃過夏天在慕尼黑待的那一夜：外頭有些濕冷的天氣令人卻步，不過我們早早躲進市郊的旅館，我難得對於哪兒也去不了這件事感到溫暖的安全感，旅館有自行印製的短篇小說集，讓我不禁覺得旅館有了生命和靈魂，我剛好喜歡在就寢之前看書，雖然那一晚大部分的時間我呈現昏厥狀態，可是在我的記憶裡，慕尼黑之夜有著橘黃色的燈光。早上醒來時，太陽還沒升起，我泡起旅館準備的茶，為了不開燈打擾薛吉，我在更衣間外頭鋪了毯子，開起一個人的早晨野餐，繼續我的閱讀。

It’s getting dark. The singer’s melancholy voice wafts from the stereo: are you lonesome tonight my dear? Meanwhile, I am pondering over which color out of 120 will go with my picture. The crisp cold air in the evening reminds me of that summer night in Munich. The chilly weather was rather intimidating, so we hid into the hotel early during the day. I hardly felt such a warm sense of safety about the choice of not going anywhere. The hotel offered a collection of short stories, which is right up my alley since I really take delight in being lullabied to sleep by words and words. This, to me, gave soul and life to the hotel. Though I was unconscious most of the night, in my memory, the night in Munich is full of colors. When I woke up early in the morning, it was still dark outside. Not to disturb Shaggy, I made myself a cup of tea, spread a blanket on the floor outside the closet for my one-man picnic with the book as my quiet companion.

冬天一直是我很害怕的季節，除了要面對太陽早早下山晚晚起床，下降的溫度把我部份的活力帶走，我就在和體重的掙扎當中吃和運動，並且不時地感到罪惡。這個冬天，在上述的課題之外，我觀察到一些新的情緒，可以讓我用來說服自己來喜歡這個季節，例如說，許多夏季的心浮氣躁最近都慢慢沉澱了，我終於可以很客觀地面對生活，不作無謂的多愁善感，有時候這種心境真的是求之不得呢！

Winter has always been my least favorite season. It takes me some efforts to live with the fact that the sun rises later and sets earlier. The drop in temperatures takes away my energy. I am constantly struggling with my weight between eating and exercising, and feeling guilty. However, this winter, I notice something else apart from the above-mentioned, a good reason I can use to convince myself that winter isn’t necessarily so negative. For example, my bubbly feelings have calmed down. I can look at life and people from more objective viewpoints instead of sentimentalizing. Sometimes, this state of mind is to die for while it’s miles out of my reach.

現在的我，臉又圓了一些，剛剪了一個很糟糕的髮型，「熱情的西班牙」系列只作到第四張，我以慢得不能再慢的龜速前進，可是我聽到這首歌時，想回答男歌手：我很好，回頭看看今年，對於發生的每一件事，不管表面看起來是好是壞，我都很高興我有這些經歷，而且，我有著滿滿的關於旅行的回憶，我要說，目前的我不寂寞。

I, at this moment, have a rounder face with a terrible new hairstyle. I’ve only got to drawing No. 4 for my Spanish series, which I carry on at a snail pace. But when I hear the singer, I feel like replying, “I am fine.” Looking back on this year and everything that happened, I am glad that it happened. Besides, I am loaded with rich memories about traveling. I want to say, I am not lonely for the time being.

winter, my desires / 冬天，我的慾望

Role / 角色

手機：一個月以上處於關機狀態；即使開機，我的耳朵老是接收不到鈴聲。
電腦：壞了一個星期；我在各方面都很積極，但是只要家裡電氣壞掉，我就變成最被動的逃避者，沒有電腦就讀書吧！我的周末在書堆裡度過，心情平靜到不行。
電視之一：已經走到生命盡頭，螢幕黑黑青青的，看了半個小時就有種眼睛要瞎掉的不祥預兆。

Cell phone: was turned off for more than a month. Even when it’s on, the tone rings hardly reach my nonchalant ears.
Computer: totally crashed for a week. I am not an ostrich unless when it comes to electric appliances. I thus crept into my warm bed, accompanied by a novel, a dozen of picture books, and several movies for the weekend.
One of the home TVs: refused to work normally. Instead, the screen has a livid hue, and it gives me the illusion that I am going blind soon.

最近過著很原始的生活，和電器沒有甚麼緣分，不知道是不是因為如此，我在人際接觸方面，神經突然敏銳了起來，這大概就是我們說的有失有得吧。我有意無意感受到某些很細微的情緒，一開始發現之後，突然電路就瞬間接通，看了那麼多風景又怎樣呢？這個超能力的但書就是，我只能默默觀察，即使看到了很多人的不快樂，我不要自己做出主觀或自以為是的意見和判斷，因為這世界上已經太多人只搶著讓別人聽見他們的聲音，我不需要再加入任何的雜音，而且我也沒有資格。我最多只能默默地伸出手、或者安靜地傳遞生命的訊息，希望能有所幫助。

I’ve been living like the primitive people for a while, but we shall not forget, God is fair. When we lose something, we gain something else.

What am I blessed with? With my connection with the electronic world cut off, I have been compensated with a finer-than-usual vision into many souls’ secret emotions. Does it count as clairvoyance? But there is a condition. I can only see, without making any subjective judgments or self-presumptuous opinions even when I witness suffering. After all, too many people have fought to have their voices heard and taken seriously. I don’t feel inclined at all to worsen that cacophony. I can only help by lending a hand silently, by being a messenger dropping hints and clues that might of be use, even to the slightest degree.

坦白說，要客觀地看待一切不容易，可是我想了許久，每個人在世界上都有他要扮演的角色，如果說我擔任的是觀察者，我不想只是就這麼過去，我看到的至少可以有積極的意義。

It’s not always been a piece of cake to withhold my thoughts and remain unruffled. But I guess we all have our roles to play in this world. If I am meant as a viewer that is granted insight into others’ inner worlds, I won’t just pretend that I didn’t see anything.

就說我選擇的是積極地被動，包括我給你的幫助。

You know I’ll be there to give you a hand, in any form.

My Little Prince / 我的小王子

週末深夜進家門時，有股細細小小的聲音喊著：汪達姨，小王子從門邊探出頭來，他很嚴肅地說，我有事情要問妳。小王子拿出我們前幾個星期前的塗鴉，他指著有三個人的那輛車，問：妳記得這是誰嗎？我思索了一下回答：這是阿嬤和小阿姨，開車的是阿竣舅舅。小王子恍然大悟地點點頭，「我也是麼想。」我說：「很晚了，只有你一個人不睡覺呢！」他說：「我等你回來問你這個問題，現在我可以去睡覺了。」小王子把車排好之後，很安心地就寢去了。

When I tiptoed home late on a weekend night, a tiny soft sound greeted me, “Auntie Wanda!” The Little Prince stuck his head out of the door. He looked at me with a pensive face, “I have a question for you.” He whizzed into the living room and came to me with a doodle we had done together a few weeks earlier. He pointed at the car with three people in it. “Do you remember who they are?” I searched for the answer in my memory, “The passengers are Granny and Little Auntie. The driver is Uncle Jun.” My reply took off the weight on his mind. “That’s what I thought.” Seeing him all alone, I couldn’t help asking, “It’s late. How come you aren’t in bed?” He said, “I was waiting for you to ask you the question. Now I have the answer. I can go to sleep.” Lining his cars on the table, he walked into the dark to his sweet bed.

我的小王子有著又成熟又童稚的靈魂，我不知道將來的他會變成甚麼樣，但是我希望可以用圖畫留住他為小問題認真苦惱的那刻。

My Little Prince has a mature and childlike soul. I have no clue what he’ll turn out to be in the future, but I want more than anything to keep the moment when he took a small problem seriously, which so moved me.

Decision / 決定

從九月底開始，我就像能量小兔不停地規劃展覽的內容，想說的東西太多，卻又割捨不掉其中任何一環，所以我有種不是很相信自己的感覺，我真的做得出來嗎？

From the end of September, I’d been planning the exhibit with the incredible stamina of the Energizer bunny. There was so much I wanted to say, and I didn’t want to do without any detail. So I couldn’t whisk away the question mark in my mind—Is it really possible for me to come up with a decent exhibition in two months?

這個星期當我走到最後的試驗階段時，我突然領悟，我並沒有考量觀者的需要，我只是猛想著自己要分享的經驗，但是對我來說，藝術的目的已經超過自我表達，現在我期許當個能夠透過圖像和其他人互動或溝通的創作者。

Halfway through this week, at the final stage of trying my forms of expression, it dawned on me that I hadn’t taken into account the needs of the viewer. I was blinded by my strong desire to share the experiences. Yet for me, art should go beyond self-expression. I expect myself to be an artist who can interact and communicate with others through my images.

於是我下了一個讓我沮喪好幾天但卻是必要的決定，我來不及在明年一月展出，我得退出和薛吉的聯展，所以到時候步調咖啡的展覽就由薛吉一人獨挑大樑，但是我對她很有信心，因為她的作品呈現和我的相較起來，主題清楚多了。

Thus, I made a decision which was rather discouraging but necessary. I can’t make it for the exhibit in January next year. I have to back out of the duo exhibition with Shaggy, who will be the solo artist in TOTE Café then. I have much faith in her because compared with my works, there is a very clear theme in hers.

花了一個月，旅行的草稿加計畫用掉了四本札記本，我好像又回到了原點，但是如果沒有這些嘗試，我就不會找到我的方向，所以即使有些失望，我明白這個決定是必要的，我不想只是畫圖，我想要畫好圖。

It took me a month and four journal books to come so far. I seem to have gone back to the starting point. However, without these trials and errors, I wouldn’t find my direction. Despite my disappointment, I know I’ll come to this decision anyway. I don’t want just to draw. I want to draw well.

到時候大家一定要來看薛吉的展覽！你會看到滿滿的、繽紛的西班牙！

Please don’t miss Shaggy’s exhibit. You’ll get a heavy and satisfying taste of Spain!

Woodpecker / 啄木鳥

小方繪 / by Von

這是小方獨自在家創作的作品，我可是一點忙都沒幫到，因為我實在太引他為傲了，還要求他以冠軍得主的樣子，和自己的畫合影。

This piece, unlike the previous ones, was all done by Von himself. I didn’t give him any hand at all. I am so proud of him that I requested that he take a photo with his own work like a champ!

Black Holes / 黑洞

每個人都有黑洞，我要到心裡的黑洞晃一晃，出來的時候對它們說：怎麼樣，我還是白的！

Black holes dwell inside everybody. I want to take a tour to mine, and when I emerge, I will say to them: even though I roll and turn in all that black, I still come out of you white and unpolluted!

The Island Keeper / 小島管理員

「絕無完全空白的空間或時間這回事，總是有可以觀看或聆聽的事物。」 約翰凱吉

There is no such thing as an empty space or an empty time. There is always something to see, something to hear.” --John Cage


大多數對於每天重複的日常公事視為理所當然，或者會有被困於其中的感覺。上個星期末，我們得到了一個特別的機會體驗超現實的生活，因為H1N1，班上放了五天假，但我是唯一有特權的人，可以依舊重複著每日的模式，去學校、上愛班的課、在辦公室裡改作業做教材，改變的地方在於去到善班的教室時，只有拉起來的窗簾和四散的講義和我打招呼。

Most of us so take the repeated daily routines for granted, or we feel helplessly trapped. At the end of last week, my class was rewarded with a very unique opportunity for a surreal life experience. We were given five days off “thanks to” HINI. But I was the only privileged lucky one, being permitted to carry on with my everyday work, give lectures to Class Love, grade assignments and prepare teaching materials in the office. The only and the biggest difference was that whenever I entered our classroom, I was greeted only by the somber-looking curtains and scattered handouts on the dusty floor.

我的生活繼續，不過我的身分變得有些空洞，我們因為太習慣自己的角色，很少存以質疑，這幾天我卻開始想，我身為老師的地位是相對於學生，而且是現在這些特定的女孩，之前的或之後的，其實都不存在於目前的時間空間，畢竟我們的存在有絕對性的價值、卻也有相對性的意義。

My work life continued, but I wasn’t so sure about my identity as a teacher. We are so used to our various roles that few would question the validity of each. During the past few days, it dawned on me that my role as a teacher makes sense because of the existence of students, and only confirmed by these specific girls I have at present. Those I encountered in the past or will encounter in the future, in terms of realistic factors, don’t validate my current status at work. I am not denying the absolute significance of our existence, but we can by no means overlook the relative meanings of our roles in life.

停課的最後一天，我到教室裡去晃晃，讓桌椅吹吹風，我一邊記錄我的想念，然後我默默地說，能夠被困在每天的例行瑣事裡，是種看似平凡的奢侈。我在留下記號的同時，班上的每個人用自己的方式和我共鳴，只能和鳥為伴的Pamela寫了一首很棒的俳句，我一定要和大家分享：(邊打的時候改了幾個小地方，希望Pamela不要介意)

On the day before the girls returned, I decided to go for a look at the empty classroom, airing the space a little bit, and uttering my feeling in the pictorial form. I said to myself, “Isn’t it a seemingly ordinary luxury to be trapped in petits train-trains?” After all, that is a sign saying nothing goes wrong.

While I was leaving marks, everyone in class echoed back to me in their respective ways. Pamela, isolated in her small cell and accompanied by a pet bird, created a superb haiku, which I definitely have to share with the world here: (I revised it a little while typing. The broad-minded Pamela will forgive me for that.)

Ciao, Miss You
This is a short haiku
A small gift for you
You know on Friday there was a sudden news
That we’d been defeated by the flu
Three days in the classroom no “Bonjour”
You were the only one left to suffer the solitude
The bad mood loomed
Oh, poor Miss You
But I don’t have a clue
Why there was no panic found in your attitude
You should have been blue
I think maybe you were being mute
Oh, strong and calm Miss You
So much we’ve been through
Life would suck without you
At this very moment we parachuted
Together developing our long love affair
Remember,
Love will always be with our
Sweetest Miss You
--by Pamela Huang