My last lesson with Granny / 和阿嬤的最後一堂課

圖摘自游爲淳「小香與大樹」/ image from "Tammy and the Big Tree" by Weichuen You

一月二日早上六點半，家裡的電話響起，即使在睡夢中，我想應該是阿嬤走了的通知，我們隨便套上衣服，趕到醫院時，美麗已經為阿嬤整理好，那些看起來很礙眼的鼻管點滴都拿掉了，還戴上焦糖色的毛線帽，她看起來像個要出去玩的小女生，只是貪睡起不來，手指還是暖暖的，在等待葬遺社人員時，我摸了她好幾次臉龐，覺得這一切很不真實。

At six a.m. on the second day of 2015, the telephone rang. Though I was not awake, I guessed it was the call to inform us of Granny's departure. We dressed in a hurry, but Granny had already been gone by the time we left the apartment. When we arrived at the ward, Granny lay there looking ready to go. Without the intravenous drip and nasogastric tube, she simply looked like a little girl with her caramel knit hat on, but too tired to wake up. I caressed her face and hands several times, the latter still warm. Everything felt so real and unreal at the same time. 

        雖然這半年以來，阿嬤不斷地進出醫院，但從沒有令我覺得生病或死亡是難看的，她離開時也是一貫地溫暖和優雅。我們紛紛和美麗道謝，她已經好幾天眼眶紅紅的，畢竟她陪了阿嬤九年半，對於阿嬤的狀況比我們都看在眼裡，她說：照顧阿嬤我也很開心。之後她給我看了幾張最近和阿嬤的自拍，照片裡的阿嬤剛洗完澡，還是一副想睡樣，看起來精神也不好，可是旁邊的美麗卻一點也不以為意。我記得的是沒有生病的阿嬤，而美麗和生病的阿嬤過每一天，好壞都接受了。

     Over the past six months, Granny went in and out of the hospital several times. She had such an aura that I never felt that being sick or dying is ugly. Her death is consistently warm and elegant. Bidding goodbye to Granny, we said thank-you to Meili, whose eyes had been red and swollen with tears in the past few days as well. Having been with Granny for nine and half years, she actually knows much more about Granny than any of us. She replied, "I had a good time taking care of her." Later she showed me some recent photos of Granny and their selfie. They were taken after Granny's shower. Her eyes were closed most of the time, but in the selfie, Meili still smiled happily. It's the healthy and beautiful Granny that I remember; however, Meili sees the good and bad days of Granny. It feels like even the sick Granny is still beautiful for her. 

        阿嬤要走的一個半月前，我開始一個人坐火車去看她，對我來說這是一種儀式，我想要花一點時間和阿嬤在一起，我們被日常生活的大小事困住了，以為自己沒有時間撥來學習衰老和死亡，可是當我開始這件事時，卻發現應該要早一點做的，所以這兩天我想到這半年以來的阿嬤時很傷心，因為想到她的老化，卻忘了之前那八十九點五年是充滿光亮的。在我們不知忙什麼的同時，美麗和阿嬤有好多故事，他們之間有某種親暱和依賴，是我和阿嬤沒有的，對於這點我有種羨慕又嫉妒的心情。

     One and half months ago, I started the ritual of taking the train to visit Granny alone. I wanted to spend some time alone with her. Most of the time we are trapped by the trifles in our everyday lives, believing that we can't spare any time to learn about aging and death until it is our turn. Nevertheless, I found it was all too late when I began. That is why I felt very sentimental about Granny's change over the past few months; that is because I forget to look at the previous 89.5 years of light. While we were busy with this and that, Meili and Granny had so many stories together. There was a kind of intimacy and dependence that Granny and I didn't have. I can't help feeling envious and jealous. 

        一個人從醫院離開回家的路上，是自我療癒的時間，很久沒有像這樣掉眼淚了，沿途經過早晨的信義區，精品店也都還沒醒，我想著阿嬤坐在我身邊，開啟第一趟自由後的城市之旅，不知道她會不會還是喜歡七堵的純樸？

     On my way home from the hospital, I went on a self-healing bus ride. I hadn't shed tears like this for many years. As I passed by the department stores in Xin-yi District, the boutiques were still sleeping. I imagined Granny sitting next to me on her first city tour after the liberation. I wondered if she still prefers the simple town of Chi-du to the luxurious Taipei city?