It has been a year since I came back from London. I know I have found my place, but I give myself a 6 out of 10, given the fact that I've always been full of joy.
I had that brand-new feel from head to toe right after I returned. One of my colleagues asked, "Do you have any good news?" I said no, but seeing almost all of my friends head into marriage one after another, I was made to think of it as the path I should take as well. (The truth was that I did nothing but daydream at home all the time.)
I had to confront some conflicted emotions in me. Fortunately, I heard many stories along the way, and it felt like God was giving me opportunities to gain my perspective. I found my answer at the end of spring: How can I depend on someone I don't know well for all my happiness? Instead of predicting what my future will hold, I should turn to the present and live in it.
Letting go of my expectations and desires, I feel relieved. Last week my Thai teacher gave us two books on the lessons taught by the Buddha. After reading What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula, I felt I could score a 9 on the scale of happiness. I love one excerpt a lot:
Another very important, practical, and useful form of 'meditation' (mental development) is to be aware and mindful of whatever you do, physically or verbally, during the daily routine of work in your life, private, public or professional. Whether you walk, stand, sit, lie down, or sleep, whether you stretch or bend your limbs, whether you look around, whether you put on your clothes, whether you talk or keep silence, whether you eat or drink, even whether you answer the calls of nature--in these and other activities, you should be fully aware and mindful of the act you perform at the moment. That is to say, that you should live in the present moment, in the present action. This does not mean that you should not think of the past or the future at all. On the contrary, you think of them in relation to the present moment, the present action, when and where it is relevant.
People do not generally live in their actions, in the present moment. They live in the past or in the future. Though they seem to be doing something now, here, they live somewhere else in their thoughts, in their imaginary problems and worries, usually in the memory of the past or in the desires and speculations about the future. Therefore they do not live in, nor do they enjoy, what they do at the moment. So they are unhappy and discontented with the present moment, with the work at hand, and naturally they cannot give themselves fully to what they appear to be doing.
Today I had a chance to ask Sophy the questions: Why are you hurried? Why do you want to rush to the next stage of life? It looked like I was counseling her, but I was asking myself the question.
I am leaving behind my British life, but I have never felt so sure that this is the job I want to do and that this is my life. My mission is to expand my bliss because there are so many people out there who have no idea how it feels.
Now I feel truly blissful.