Botanical garden, 2007 / 2007的植物園

這學期受到很多人的影響，不喜歡在別人面前畫畫的我，居然興起了想要寫生的念頭，於是上個星期才跑過國立歷史博物館參觀「藝術家的書」展覽，這個週末又忍不住再去一次，我的目的地是博物館裡的忘言軒，狹長的咖啡廳，安靜明亮，就面對著外面的荷花池，是再完美也不過的寫生場地。

So many people have been telling me about the beauty of outdoor sketch this semester. I do not enjoy painting in front of people, but lately I have felt a strong desire to try sketching. Speaking of a perfect venue, the café in National Museum of History came to mind. Actually, I went there no more than a week ago for the exhibition of artists' handmade books. But I couldn't resist the temptation of going there again this weekend. I had my mind set on the long and narrow café on the second floor. It faces the lotus pond, giving people a full view of the lush garden. It is always quiet and well-lit. I can't think of a better place.

最近對於札記本使用成癮，所以我帶著數年前遊紐約的手札，雖然中間間隔了七年的光陰，我卻一點也不介意。炎熱的午後，咖啡館有一半的位置是空著的，不過靠窗的桌子全都有人，我悠閒地東張西望，不久有桌客人準備起身離開，我暗自竊喜地把杯子餐盤移到可以清楚看見荷花的餐桌，我看見的景色有天堂的味道。

As you can tell, I've been addicted to the use of journal books. I dug out the old journal for the trip to New York City seven years ago. I do not mind the long interval between now and then. On the hot Saturday afternoon, half of the tables in the café were empty, but the good seats next to the windows were all occupied. I looked around while having lunch, not in any hurry. Fortunately, a couple stood up, ready to leave. I moved my cup and plates, secretly thanking God for such a heavenly twist of fate.

待我開始作業之後，逐漸地，身旁的聲響像從電視裡傳來，依舊清楚，但是不屬於我的時空，有阿嬤的聊天聲、情侶的呢喃聲、相機的喀嚓聲，直到外面的雷聲轟轟，我才真正被驚醒，下雨了。

When I got down to work, little by little, the sounds around me were still distinct, but they didn't belong to my world, more like those coming from TV. The old ladies chatted calmly about their families, the young lovers whispered, and there were also the crisp digesting sounds of cameras. I was not aroused from sketching until the thunder outside struck. It rained.

為了等待水彩風乾，我翻到前面的頁數，很久沒有讀從前的筆記了，恰好我在七年前的同時，也那樣地著迷紐約的植物園，札記本的前半部盡是有關它的記述，不過我仔細閱讀之後，才又回想起當時的心情，24歲的夏天，我多麼喜歡那個男孩，可是大部分的時候我並不快樂，總是追著他善變的心思跑。我的文字充滿著敏感的情緒，原來七年前的我是這樣。

To wait for the watercolor to dry, I turned to the previous pages. I hadn't read my own writing for many years. It was quite a coincidence that exactly seven years ago, I was also so fascinated with the New York Botanical Garden. The first half of the journal was all about it. I didn't quite remember how I had felt then until I read my words carefully. In the 24th summer in my life, how I liked that guy. But I wasn't happy most of the time. His fickle personalities were worse than unpredictable. My past sensitivity touched me. I thought to myself, so I was like that seven years ago.

雨越下越大，進來躲雨的人越來越多，咖啡館裡的吵雜和外面的雷雨聲成正比擴大，我翻過一頁又一頁的傷感，彷彿那是前世的我，我只模糊地記得當時有這麼一段掙扎，但是細節太陌生，我想不起來。接著我又翻回到已乾的速寫，繼續下一頁的寫生。桌上的盆栽、隔壁桌的客人都歡迎入鏡，若水彩未乾，我就把原本只有靜物的圖面擴大，淋雨的荷花、被大風雨肆虐的荷花、直直落的大顆雨水，窗旁的大樹和綠蔭，等等等等等。畫面若是滿了，就再回到從前，悠遊於過去的字裡行間。

It rained harder. More and more people came in the café to take shelter. The noise grew in proportion to the thunder and lightning out of the windows. I thumbed through pages and pages of sorrow and uncertainty. I read as if it had been about me from the previous life. I did remember that unrequited love affair, but the details were all too unfamiliar. I couldn't think of any. Then I turned back to a new page, starting another sketch. The small bonsai plants on the tables, the people next table were lovely topics. While waiting for the watercolor paints to dry, I would enrich the empty parts of the pages with lotus exposed to the rain, lotus blown by the wind, straight-falling big raindrops, the giant trees and shades, etc. etc. etc. After the pages were filled, I would go back to the past, traveling between my words.

雨勢逐漸緩和，咖啡館躲雨的客人一個個離開，我的身邊風景不斷轉換，從老年夫婦到年輕情侶到單人女子到外籍男子，在文字中我從現在旅行到過去又回到現在，這一切變化中，水彩筆一直在書上舞著。我看起來是一個人，卻也不只一個人。

The rain let up little by little. The guests left one by one. The scenery around me kept changing, from the old couple to the young lovers to a girl to two foreign men. I traveled from the present to the past and back to the present through words. Among all these changes, my brushes kept dancing on the pages. I seemed to be alone, but I was not alone.

接近傍晚，有點累了，我把札記書合起來，兩肩掛著道具，輕鬆自在地邁出忘言軒，短短的週六午後，什麼都見過，卻什麼都不想，腦中唯一盤算的是下一週的速寫課地點。

It was almost the evening time. I felt sort of fatigued. I closed my journal, took up the big bags, and walked out of the café in a very relaxed mood. On the short Saturday afternoon, I saw everything, but there was nothing in my mind. The only question I gave a thought to was where I should have my sketch lesson next week.

roses / 玫瑰花

今天在回家的路上，買了一束玫瑰花。等捷運時，我仔細端詳粉色的花瓣，想到很久以前，去紐約市旅行，當時是留學生，對於金錢錙銖必較，看到擦肩而過的路人手裡拿著幾朶玫瑰，內心充滿羨慕之情，於是我對自己說，將來我也要常常為自己買花，因為它們的美麗讓我的一整天都鮮豔了起來。

This afternoon on my way home, I bought a bouquet of roses. When waiting for the MRT, I stared at the rosy petals and suddenly all the memories came back. A long time ago, on my trip to New York City, I was full of envy when seeing people buy roses for themselves. I was a poor student then, having no extra money for little luxuries like that. So I told myself, one day I am going to buy flowers for myself because they can brighten my day and make it so colorful.

迷人的女孩會說，等情人送花吧！可是到了我現在的年紀，我不在意有沒有人獻上花束，情緒低迷的時候，我若去到花市或行經路邊的攤販，便立刻逃離沮喪的泥沼，在我的情人出現之前，我得讓自己快快樂樂的。

Beautiful girls would say, I'll just wait for flowers from my lovers. I've come to such an age that I don't care if anyone sends me flowers. When I am blue, a trip to the flower market or a bouquet bought from a street vendor will lift me up. Before my lover shows up, I have to make myself happy.

多年以前，我希望可以住在像紐約那樣的城市，我的願望沒有實現。現在我住在台北，做著多年前夢想放棄的工作，身邊的人普普通通，卻讓我覺得很幸福。更重要的是，我時時都可以帶一束玫瑰花回家，儘管母親常嚷嚷過高的價錢，我會回以一抹安靜的微笑說，沒辦法，今天就是需要玫瑰花。

Many years ago, I wished to live in a big city like New York. My dream didn't come true. Now I live in Taipei, doing a job I wished to give up many years ago. People around me are so ordinary, but whenever I am with them, I feel loved. What's more important, I can bring a bouquet of roses home anytime. Though Mom would often complain about the prices, I would respond with a quiet smile, saying, sorry, I need a bunch of roses today, at any price.

於是玫瑰花束成為我對這個城市的回憶，極重要的一部分。

So bouquets of roses have become an extremely important part in my memories for this city.

﹝註﹞：圖中為小妞們和我遊花市的寫真。

PS: The picture is about our trip to Chien-kuo flower market, me and my girls.

mumbling / 喃喃自語

好像每年有一段時間，我都有那種想過著電腦以外的生活，和很多人比起來，我對電腦的依賴度算低的了，例如說，大家不太能了解為什麼我謝絕使用即時通，我也不懂為何這陣子我寧可拿本書翻閱、寄真實的明信片，而不是盯著螢幕瀏覽網頁、傳送email，這可能和我喜愛古早事物的個性有些關係。不用電腦的我，可以完完全全地專心於真實的生活，我很喜歡那樣的純粹。

There is a period of time each year when I feel like living without computers. Compared with many people, I do not rely much on the modern age technology. For example, I detest MSN to such an extent that I do not want to hear people talk about it. Lately, I've been more into reading books, sending real postcards than surfing the Internet and sending email. This has something to do with my preferences for old things. When I do not touch the computer, I can focus on the real life. I like that kind of pureness.

我想固定來小房間的網友並不多，不過我對於自己的懶散有些不好意思，我常常想到你們，所以要告知你們我的這個小怪癖。

I don't think I have many regular visitors to the little room, but I feel ashamed about my willful laziness. I think of you from time to time, so I'd like you to know about this side in me.

這些日子裡，我還在畫畫，做了一本札記書，主題是介紹台北城，本來最主要的原因是為了參加moleskine的比賽，但是一張一張地做下去之後，我發現有許多支撐我的動力，因為摯友小蕙即將赴英深造，這一年半裡我們去了好多地方，我對人生也有了很不一樣的看法，所以我想把這些回憶做總整理。後來我覺得這也是對我自己生命的交代，雖然在製作的一個月裡，每天下班回家都累得像條狗，還是會自發性地坐到書桌前繪畫，幸好我有鋼鐵般的堅持。做完之後有些失落，但是眼前有全新的挑戰，好像沒有時間碎碎唸或感傷。

During the past month, I was still drawing. I made a journal book about the Taipei city. It was originally for the contest held by the Italian brand of notebooks—moleskine. However, after I started the project, I realized that the purposes for making the book had changed. My best friend Liang-huei is about to head for the UK soon. Since last year, we've been to so many places in Taipei, and she has changed my outlook on life. I'd like to put all the memories into a book. Then it also dawned on me that I was recording my own life. Even though I was as tired as a dog after work, my conscience would take me to my desk. I would sit down and paint away the whole evening. I am glad that I persisted. I have to say that I feel a sense of loss after I finished the project, but I have other new challenges. I don't have time to be sentimental...

雖然有時我刻意保持無聲，我的部落格還是記載了一切，包括我安靜的任性。不過我絕對不是吝嗇於分享‧‧‧

Sometimes I remain silent on purpose, but my blog records everything, including my quiet waywardness. Yet I am far from being stingy. I love to share my art more than anything...

My teacher / 老師的老師

江正吉老師繪
by Jim Jiang

上學期上完國畫課之後，有種大徹大悟的感覺，我覺得再怎麼練習，我也不會進步，所以這個學期開始的時候，便斷然地和老師說，人應該要執著於自我的專長，很多事是不能勉強的，本來想就這樣揮揮衣袖離開，結果老師和班長紛紛來勸說，我還記得老師那時的表情，他的臉上有著很包容的微笑，說：「傻孩子，上國畫課是很開心的事，就算只是來看我畫畫也無所謂，因為這兩個小時中，你可以跳脫原來的思考方式，也許因此可以學到新東西，應用在你想創作的方面上。」

After taking Chinese painting class for a semester, I had an epiphany—no matter how hard I practiced, I was not born for it. Therefore, in the beginning of this semester, I told Jim with firm determination that I should focus on what I am good at. With no talent in Chinese painting, I didn't want to force myself. I had intended on stopping the lesson, but Jim and our class leader came to me, trying to change my mind. I still remember how Jim looked then. He wore a magnanimous smile on his face and said, "Silly child. Learning Chinese painting should be fun. Even if you just come and watch me paint, it will still do you good. Within these two hours, you can detach yourself from your old mode of thinking. Perhaps you can even learn something new from me and apply it in the field you are more interested in."

於是，這個學期我到目前為止沒有拿過一次毛筆，幾個月前，我完全無法接受上課之後不做作業，想不到現在我還挺高興的，有時候上課只是和身邊的婆婆媽媽天南地北地哈啦，也不再自我苛責，好像是腦中某個卡住的齒輪被修好了，想法變得開闊許多。

Well, this semester I haven't taken up the brush pen, not even once. A few months ago, I couldn't accept the idea that I didn't do any homework after the class. I wouldn't have imagined that I am so happy now. Sometimes I spend much time chatting away about all with the senior ladies in class, and I've stopped blaming myself for my laziness and distraction. It's like a cog in my brain was stuck. It was fixed at a certain moment and I've become quite broad-minded.

去年秋天一開始上課時，老師說了句很有哲理的話，他說，國畫裡盡是人生的哲學。因為他從中得到諸多體悟，所以我們又從他身上學到第二層的詮釋。有時我為一些芝麻小事要捉狂時，看著老師那樣氣定神閒地畫畫，不禁自問，如果是老師，會如何看待同樣的問題，即使我不知道他的反應，我很確定的是，他不會因此大發雷霆，這樣想之後，我也想要他的平靜自若，自然就會朝比較平和的方向去找解決的方法。

Last autumn when I first started, Jim said something very philosophical. He said that one can learn about life in Chinese painting. He interpreted the life philosophy according to his own experiences, and we benefited so much from his wise words. Sometimes when I am about to lose my temper because of certain trivial things, Jim's poise make me ask myself how he would solve the problem if he were in my shoes. I don't know the answer, but I am sure that he wouldn't fly into a rage. I want his calm badly and that leads me toward a more peaceful way of thinking.

有時我太專注於畫畫，把所有重心往上面放，前幾天有些苦惱時，聽到老師說，畫畫不是全部，生活裡還有其他事，像親人等等，連老師一輩子從事美術，卻還說，畫畫只是為了增添生活情趣，我感動於他謙卑的態度。不過也對，如果生活裡沒有和別人互動，沒有一些責任和義務，我可能就不會那麼珍惜畫畫帶來的快樂自在。我本來也都清楚這個道理，可是怎麼活著活著就忘了‧‧‧

Sometimes I concentrate too much on painting and have the idea that it is the only thing that matters in my life. A few days ago when I was kind of upset, Jim happened to say that painting isn't everything. There are other important things and people such as taking care of our family. I was very touched by his humble attitude. Jim has been working in the art field for more than 3 decades, he still believes that painting is mainly for making life more interesting. In fact, if there were no interaction with other people and responsibilities, I wouldn't cherish the joy of painting. I knew this too, but sometimes we forget as we move ahead...

這個週末和四年沒有見面的Florence重逢，她說，我比年少的時候豁然開朗，我想那是因為身邊許多人教我如何生活，老師也需要老師啊！

This weekend I had a reunion with Florence, whom I hadn't seen for four years. She said that I am so much more mature and at ease than before. That's because many people around me have been teaching me how to live well. You know, even teachers need teachers!