Monday, May 30, 2011

When I look back / 回顧


轉眼間今年就快過一半了,雖然五月發文看似懶散,其實這個月挺多產的,只是很多影像只屬於當下或特定的一個人,我要說的話都沉在時間或某些心裡了。

It dawns on me that this year is almost half over. I seem to have been quite laidback in May, but the truth is that I am pretty prolific this month. It’s just that many images belong only to certain moments or specific people. What I wanted to say had sunk into the river of time or the wells in some hearts.

水彩課照舊,最近和老師再度提到技巧的訓練,過去的這半年,為了補不足之處,我重複著基礎筆觸的練習,和之前純粹只是為情感的表達創作很不相同,老師說,有了技巧可以選擇不用,但沒有技巧就無法完整自我表達,當時我還不甚明白這話中之意。而心境方面,每星期兩小時的畫畫課,記錄著我的起起伏伏,學期剛開始畫了一張圖,任何人都感受到筆觸的浮躁。到了學期中,我試著放掉之前的重筆觸,想要用輕描淡寫的透明重新開始,雖然我自以為心境平緩下來,老師卻說我的內在是跳躍的動態,說好聽則是我仍然充滿生命力,同學說我的心裡住著夏卡爾或是梵谷,可是現在我想要有莫內的圓融和沉穩,於是水彩課不僅是練技術,也讓我思索自己是怎麼樣的人。

Watercolor classes go on as usual. Lately Jim has been discussing the issue of techniques with me again. Over the past few months, trying to make up for what I lack, I have repeated the basic exercise of using brush pens. That is radically different from my past habit of creating mainly for self-expression. Jim mentioned that being equipped with sophisticated techniques, we can choose not to use them, but not having them will make many painting tasks impossible. I didn’t fully get the message in his words then, though.

Mentally, the two-hour lesson every week records my ups and downs. At the beginning of the semester, I painted a picture in which everyone could feel my impatience. By the mid-semester, I tried to let go of my typical heavy brushstrokes, desiring to start anew with a light, transparent style. I believed that I had calmed down inside whereas Jim said he felt the jumps in me. Well, to put it mildly, I am quite full of life. My classmates or colleagues said I have Chagall and Van Gogh in me, but now I long for Monet’s mellowness. It’s fun that watercolor classes not only provide me with opportunities to hone my skills but also reflect what kind of person I am.

這兩個星期在孩子們的畢業紀念冊上大肆作畫,突然那些老師之前教過的撇步在某個早晨冒了出來,我有一種自我滿足的感覺,好像是之前低頭耕耘許久,有一天抬起頭來,眼前的風景都不同了。

In recent weeks I have been doodling in my kids’ yearbooks. Suddenly the skills that Jim had taught popped out of nowhere on a certain morning. I felt self-fulfilled. It’s like I’ve been sowing for eons, and when I raise my head one day, what’s in front of eyes is totally different.

有時候看著別人的人生,會希望自己是Ana,或者是Serge,而今天我覺得當我也真好。

Sometimes when I look at other people’s lives, I’d wish that I were Ana or Serge, but today I feel it’s good to be me.

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