The Door / 入門

圖攝於巴塞隆納聖家堂‧2009 / photo taken at Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, 2009


面試過了快一個星期，我也萎靡了一個星期，從心理和生理的疲勞恢復，這幾天我看到了很多蛛絲馬跡，終於在下個星期開始之前，我可以夠面對自己了。

It has been almost a week since my interview, and I have lived like a zombie for almost a week, trying to recover from the mental and physical fatigue. I detected many small signs during the past few days. I think I can finally pull myself together before a new week comes my way.

聽起來的結果好像很令人沮喪，其實不然。面試的老師說，我的作品就技術方面而言太太太簡單，我需要有印刷、字體各種基本課程的訓練，所以與其讓我讀碩士課程，他開了個基礎課程給我，不像碩士訓練有部分重心放在理論，最後還要寫論文，基礎課程重視實作，還有和業界合作的機會，用客觀的角度來看，這個決定很適合我，因為我想追求的不是寫論文，能夠學習自己創作無法接觸到的領域才是最重要的，但是和我原來的期望不太一樣，我花了點時間撫慰我脆弱的自尊心。

So far, the outcome must sound very gruesome. In fact, it’s not in all senses. The interviewer said in terms of techniques, my drawings are too too too simple. (But since when has my name become my Achille’s heels?) I need to receive solid training in printing, typography and so on. Instead of letting me go into the MA program, she prescribed the Foundation degree for me, which is more like a vocational qualification in the U.K. Seriously speaking, I didn’t know that MA students are required to write a thesis as a requisite for the degree until one week before the interview, and obviously, that is not what I am after. The Foundation degree offers courses which I, as an amateur, should take. There are also opportunities to work with the industry. This should be a tailored decision for me were it not for my fragile self-esteem.

兩天前上水彩課時，本來我只是像顆植物被動地坐在那裡，剛好同學把我前幾週的作品拿出來讓老師改，同學A用一種讚嘆的口氣說，「你的線條比你的人大膽很多」，本來是想回答，我本人的確有點孬，接著同學B又說，「你的風格很明顯」，我自知水彩是我的弱項，居然同學還看得出來某種個人風格，這些評論很明顯地和當天面試的老師說：你的線條還在掙扎當中，形成強烈的對比，我明白很多事都是相對的，對於沒有經驗的人來說，我的線條很有信心，但對於業界的人而言，我的線條是懦弱的，我突然看開了。

Two days ago in watercolor class, I sat there like a vegetable. My classmate happened to take out my painting from earlier weeks for Jim to revise. Classmate A exclaimed, “Your lines are so much more confident than your physical appearance.” I wanted to retort, “Indeed, I can be such a wimp sometimes.” Then classmate B went on to say, “You have a very distinctive personal style.” Watercolor painting is my weakest, and still, I was amazed that some sort of personal style could be distinguished. Their remarks formed a complete contrast with the interviewer’s sharp comment, “Your lines are still struggling.” It dawned on me that many things in the world are just relative. For viewers with less experience, my lines are bold. However, for the professionals who work in the industry, my lines are not clearly formed yet.

雖然我沒有強烈的意願試試看其他學校，但我的確想過這件事，最後我還是想接受目前的決定，不是因為我對自己沒有信念，而是我想很踏實虛心地學習。以前讀書的過程裡，我一直是被強烈的優越感支撐著，現在我沒有了，也不需要，我只是想藉這個機會踏入這個領域一探究竟，至於在2010年裡剩下的幾個星期，我想用創作在我和別人的生活裡留下一點痕跡。

Despite my lack of will to try other schools, I did give it a thought. In the end, I chose to accept the offer. Not because I have no faith in myself but because I think it’s time for me to learn everything I don’t know with humility. Speaking of my past student life, I used to be supported by a very strong sense of superiority. Now I don’t have that anymore, and I don’t need it. All I am looking for is a door through which I can take a look at the field. As for the remaining weeks before 2010 ends, I want to make some difference in my and others’ lives with my drawings.

之所以想要有改變，是因為我強烈地覺得自己的人生大概定形了，所以聽到我的線條還在掙扎，我應該要偷笑吧！如果上帝暫時沒有要給我其他的挑戰，那麼，倫敦，我們十個月後見吧！

I’ve had the longing to change because at this age, I know my life will be more or less the same, even in the coming 20 years. I should feel greatly pleased that I have something that is struggling instead of having taken shape in every aspect. If God doesn’t have other challenges for me temporarily, then, London, I shall see you in ten months’ time.

後記：謝謝諸多這幾週友人的鼓勵和祝福！

PS: I want to thank all of you for your faith in me and your encouragement!