Northeast coast / 東北角

謝謝江老師幫我修畫。

Thanks to Jim for revising my painting

Christmas / 聖誕節

寫申請學校文件時，最後要寫拿到學位之後對自己的期許，例如說希望進哪一家公司服務，剛好之前聽到某位同好說，能夠進橙果工作簡直就是夢想中的夢想，對於我來說寫作不是問題，但這部份卻難倒我，因為我最大的喜悅很渺小，就是為我喜歡的人畫畫寫故事，這樣的答案只會被批評為沒有野心、不實際，這種能落實在日常生活中的目標卻不能寫進去，我覺得很可惜。

While I was preparing my personal statement in the process of applying for schools, I was required to write about my goal after graduation such as working in a certain company I’d always dreamed of. I happened to hear an acquaintance mention her wish of entering the new-brand design company DEM Inc here. For me, writing didn’t pose any problem, but this part did baffle me. My biggest dream is very humble. It is just about writing and illustrating stories for people I love. However, this answer would only be criticized as ambitionless and impractical. I found it a pity that I couldn’t write such a goal which I could actually carry out in my everyday life.

看似是最簡單卻又最難的，我決定把這個心願付諸實現，在我和班上同學的最後一個聖誕節裡。每個人得到一句鼓勵的話語，搭配我最近研發的阿茲提克皇后娃娃圖像，我畫了兩套六十多張的卡片，把自己變成大家未來的回憶。

Thus, I decided to put into practice the seemingly easy but difficult plan. On my last Christmas with my current students, everyone would get a card featuring my latest invention—Aztec Queen Baby along with an inspirational quote on the back. I drew two sets of cards, 66 in total with no exactly identical pictures because I wanted to leave pieces of me for them as a form of memories.

因為太喜歡我的善班，我在這個月初決定把之前展覽過的畫送給班上同學，聖誕節的前一天，我們開了一場完全無金錢交易的拍賣會，每個要競標的小朋友只要說出自己為甚麼想要得到某幅畫，並且能夠在畢業之前回贈一幅畫，其他的就留給籤筒決定，除了競標場面瀕臨失控之外，我沒有想到好幾個人因為得不到畫情緒幾乎崩潰，還有好些人看起來很沮喪，讓我也心情低落了一會，本來只是要把我的過去做個整理，卻發現那些片段被孩子們很珍貴地對待，我是所有人裡收穫最大的。

I love my own class so much that I came up with the decision to give away my past exhibited paintings. On Christmas Eve, we held an auction without monetary trades. Everyone keen on a certain work had to say why she had to get it and give me her drawing before graduation. The rest would be decided by the lot they drew. The whole class went almost wild nearing the end, with some people on the verge of breaking down. I felt kind of bad for not having enough works for everybody. I had meant nothing but to say goodbye to my past, but I was surprised to learn that those moments were so treated with care by the girls. I was the person that gained the most through the experience.

不知道以後會怎麼樣，但是生活的每一天，我看到了更多更多畫畫的理由，這是我發亮的聖誕節禮物。

I don’t know how my future will turn out, but every day in my life, I see more and more reasons for drawing, and they are my glittering Christmas gifts.

Lines / 線條

通常我們從人的外形或言語辨識出他的改變，但是在幾個月內要看出微妙的不同畢竟不是那麼顯而易見，此時線條就派上用場。

Usually we rely on a person’s changes of appearance or language to discern his or her differences. However, changes over a short period of time are too subtle to detect. At this time, lines can serve a similar function.

好久沒當保母，難得小方不想和爸媽出去小晃一下，我們留在家用色鉛筆塗塗抹抹，因為數個月沒和他一起畫畫，我驚覺他拿筆的方式變穩了，對於空間的掌握也比之前進步，上了三個多月的美術課，成果全顯現在調色，整個人感覺有信心許多。我看著他色彩繽紛的區塊很羨慕地說：你這塊畫得真好，我要學你，他也回答：你畫得很棒，你用過的色筆給我，我要試試看。接著他問了一連串雙色混和的可能性，我們就這麼吵吵鬧鬧地玩了好一會。

I haven’t babysat for a long while, and since Von doesn’t feel like going out with his parents, we stay at home to doodle. Not having drawn with him for several months, I am kind of shocked to find that he holds a pen much better than before. Also, he has acquired a stronger sense of space. After taking the art lesson for more than three months, his progress is demonstrated in the ways he mixes colors. Overall, he appears to be more confident. I look at his colorful parts, saying with envy, “This is well done. I want to do the same.” He replies, “You do a great job too. Leave me the pencils you just used. I would like to take a try.” Then he asks a series of questions about the results of mixing different sets of colors, from which we derive a lot of fun in making crazy guesses and acting really silly.

最近我對於機械式練習很有興趣，不論是字體造型或各種圖案，我看到了都忍不住在札記本上塗鴉，於是我發現，今天的線條和昨天的力道不一樣，更不要說是幾個月之後的改變，等到別人察覺時，我已經在離出發點很遠的地方，再加上感受到小方的成長，我不禁覺得自己更要向前走。

Lately I’ve been interested in mechanical exercise, either in typography or visual patterns. I can’t help scribbling in my sketchbook when I see something I find worth imitating. Through the everyday practice, I thus realize that my lines today differ from those of yesterday, not to mention the change in a few months. When others are aware of it, I will be a world far from where I am. Now Von’s growth pushes me to move forward as well.

儘管我們一直獲得，卻也一直失去，知道小方很喜歡倫敦和雙層巴士，我邀請他到時候來找我，幾個月前的他會說，請媽咪帶我去，現在的他寫實地回答：我不會講英文，我有點啼笑皆非地說，我會啊！還好，圖畫完之後，我問他要不要帶回家，他用一貫地體貼說：留給你，因為你會想我。生活裡每天每天像過往雲煙地消逝，但是我想要永遠記住這句話和他此刻的線條。

Though we are constantly gaining something, we are losing something else in the meanwhile. Knowing that Von takes a particular fancy to London and double-deckers, I invite him to come visit me when I make it there. He would have said, “I’ll ask Mommy to take me,” a few months ago. Now he weighs the reality before answering, “I can’t speak English.” I am rather amused, wondering how come it didn’t occur to him that I can. Fortunately, after we finish the picture, I ask him if he’d like to take it home. He says with his typical thoughtfulness, “I want you to keep it because when you miss me, you can look at it.” Every day in life evaporates at the speed of light, but I want to remember Von’s words and lines at this moment, forever.

Office-scape / 辦公室風景

這個學期終於有閒回去上江老師的美術課，我一直都不是很懂光影理論，所以剛開始聽老師分析亮面和暗面之間的關係有些霧煞煞，上了好幾個月，雖然沒甚麼作品，但是我用我的色塊畫法好像開始有點瞭解老師要傳達的重點。

This semester I’ve finally made it back to Jim’s art class. I have never been an analytical person, so it is rather mind-boggling when Jim mentions the correlations between light and dark facets. I can only use my own formula of color blocks to create similar effects. After having taken the watercolor class for a few months, I think I’m gradually getting the hang of it.

現在我一方面覺得自己應該多學點技巧，另一方面則希望有一天我光用一種技法就可以創造出令人驚艷的畫面，因為對我來說最高境界不是琳瑯滿目，而是簡單有力。

Now I expect myself to acquire more skills, but on the other hand, my ultimate goal is to use one single medium to create pictures of quality. For me, a good work is not one made with various media. Instead, I prefer simple strokes that successfully convey power and feeling.

臨摹完老師的莫內花園，再加上他的幾筆修飾，灰濛濛的辦公室多了綠意，在下著冰雨的冬日從冷空氣裡走進室內，也有種濃郁的自然氣息，當我暫時離開，一定會想念鐵櫃上的拉拉雜雜。

Jim added some sophisticated touches to my Giverny Garden after I was done. The gray office suddenly lights up because of its existence. Even when I walk into the cluttered space from the cold exterior on a freezing winter day with icy rain, I can smell the fragrance of nature in my mind’s eye. When I take my temporary leave from work, I am sure I’ll miss the trivial but soothing image.

The Door / 入門

圖攝於巴塞隆納聖家堂‧2009 / photo taken at Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, 2009


面試過了快一個星期，我也萎靡了一個星期，從心理和生理的疲勞恢復，這幾天我看到了很多蛛絲馬跡，終於在下個星期開始之前，我可以夠面對自己了。

It has been almost a week since my interview, and I have lived like a zombie for almost a week, trying to recover from the mental and physical fatigue. I detected many small signs during the past few days. I think I can finally pull myself together before a new week comes my way.

聽起來的結果好像很令人沮喪，其實不然。面試的老師說，我的作品就技術方面而言太太太簡單，我需要有印刷、字體各種基本課程的訓練，所以與其讓我讀碩士課程，他開了個基礎課程給我，不像碩士訓練有部分重心放在理論，最後還要寫論文，基礎課程重視實作，還有和業界合作的機會，用客觀的角度來看，這個決定很適合我，因為我想追求的不是寫論文，能夠學習自己創作無法接觸到的領域才是最重要的，但是和我原來的期望不太一樣，我花了點時間撫慰我脆弱的自尊心。

So far, the outcome must sound very gruesome. In fact, it’s not in all senses. The interviewer said in terms of techniques, my drawings are too too too simple. (But since when has my name become my Achille’s heels?) I need to receive solid training in printing, typography and so on. Instead of letting me go into the MA program, she prescribed the Foundation degree for me, which is more like a vocational qualification in the U.K. Seriously speaking, I didn’t know that MA students are required to write a thesis as a requisite for the degree until one week before the interview, and obviously, that is not what I am after. The Foundation degree offers courses which I, as an amateur, should take. There are also opportunities to work with the industry. This should be a tailored decision for me were it not for my fragile self-esteem.

兩天前上水彩課時，本來我只是像顆植物被動地坐在那裡，剛好同學把我前幾週的作品拿出來讓老師改，同學A用一種讚嘆的口氣說，「你的線條比你的人大膽很多」，本來是想回答，我本人的確有點孬，接著同學B又說，「你的風格很明顯」，我自知水彩是我的弱項，居然同學還看得出來某種個人風格，這些評論很明顯地和當天面試的老師說：你的線條還在掙扎當中，形成強烈的對比，我明白很多事都是相對的，對於沒有經驗的人來說，我的線條很有信心，但對於業界的人而言，我的線條是懦弱的，我突然看開了。

Two days ago in watercolor class, I sat there like a vegetable. My classmate happened to take out my painting from earlier weeks for Jim to revise. Classmate A exclaimed, “Your lines are so much more confident than your physical appearance.” I wanted to retort, “Indeed, I can be such a wimp sometimes.” Then classmate B went on to say, “You have a very distinctive personal style.” Watercolor painting is my weakest, and still, I was amazed that some sort of personal style could be distinguished. Their remarks formed a complete contrast with the interviewer’s sharp comment, “Your lines are still struggling.” It dawned on me that many things in the world are just relative. For viewers with less experience, my lines are bold. However, for the professionals who work in the industry, my lines are not clearly formed yet.

雖然我沒有強烈的意願試試看其他學校，但我的確想過這件事，最後我還是想接受目前的決定，不是因為我對自己沒有信念，而是我想很踏實虛心地學習。以前讀書的過程裡，我一直是被強烈的優越感支撐著，現在我沒有了，也不需要，我只是想藉這個機會踏入這個領域一探究竟，至於在2010年裡剩下的幾個星期，我想用創作在我和別人的生活裡留下一點痕跡。

Despite my lack of will to try other schools, I did give it a thought. In the end, I chose to accept the offer. Not because I have no faith in myself but because I think it’s time for me to learn everything I don’t know with humility. Speaking of my past student life, I used to be supported by a very strong sense of superiority. Now I don’t have that anymore, and I don’t need it. All I am looking for is a door through which I can take a look at the field. As for the remaining weeks before 2010 ends, I want to make some difference in my and others’ lives with my drawings.

之所以想要有改變，是因為我強烈地覺得自己的人生大概定形了，所以聽到我的線條還在掙扎，我應該要偷笑吧！如果上帝暫時沒有要給我其他的挑戰，那麼，倫敦，我們十個月後見吧！

I’ve had the longing to change because at this age, I know my life will be more or less the same, even in the coming 20 years. I should feel greatly pleased that I have something that is struggling instead of having taken shape in every aspect. If God doesn’t have other challenges for me temporarily, then, London, I shall see you in ten months’ time.

後記：謝謝諸多這幾週友人的鼓勵和祝福！

PS: I want to thank all of you for your faith in me and your encouragement!