He does look back. / 回頭

爸爸送兒子去機場，我和媽媽怕傷心，故意說完再見就走開，爸爸一個人站在那裡，不時舉起手揮啊揮的，直到兒子消失在海關入口。

Dad sees off his son in the airport. Knowing we will feel sad, we walk away right after saying goodbye. Dad stands there alone, waving his hand until the son disappears in his sight. 

        爸爸好開心地和我們說：「這次他有回頭看我喔！」可是我聽到這話，卻好想哭，也真的哭了。

     Dad says to us with happiness, "This time he does look back at me." Upon hearing his words, I so feel like crying, and I do cry. 

After a fantastic trip / 旅行之後的高潮

旅行過後，一切歸於平淡，能比旅行精采的事之一，就是參加一場婚禮，而且是弟弟的婚禮。

What can be more fantastic than a trip? One of the choices is going to a wedding, the wedding of my little brother. 

        除了為新人興奮和開心，我也有許多個人的收穫：和小時候的老師們再度相遇，老師說我以前是個小作家，還幫我的作品印成冊，其實我都不記得了，不過在這種需要努力的片刻，聽到這些話，給了我很大的鼓勵。還收到了吉吉送的日韓繪本們，讓我想要在美麗的春天裡在文字和圖畫編織的夢境裡打滾。

     Of course I feel thrilled and happy for the newly-wed couple. However, God has given me much more than that. In the wedding, I encounter my elementary school teacher, who reminds me that I used to be a good writer. In fact, he cherishes a lot a collection of essays I wrote when I was little. To be honest, I don't remember a thing, but his words greatly encourage me at moments like this. Moreover, I have received a bunch of great Korean and Japanese picture books from Shaggy. I feel the urge to dream in the world woven with words and images in spring. 

        而最大的驚喜就是收到弟弟和弟妹的捧花，現在它在書房的桌上陪著我，感覺會為我帶來全世界的好運氣！

     As for my biggest surprise, I receive half of the bride's bouquet, which is right by my side in the study at this moment. I feel it will bring me all the luck in the world! 

Getting old / 老了

我們一家三口去東澳粉鳥林漁港，爸爸更緩慢了，媽媽可以接受爸爸的緩慢了，我也發現自己很需要緩慢，我們都老了，可是老得蠻開心自在的。

We three travel to the northeast coast. Dad is getting slower. Mom can live with Dad's slowness, and I need to slow down. We are getting old, but in a jolly sort of way. 

Nice to have you / 有你真好

楷維繪 / drawn by Kyle 

聖誕夜，楷維用充滿決心的口氣和我說：「今天晚上我一定要睜大眼睛，爸爸說聖誕老人是一道紅光，一下子就過去了！」

On Christmas Eve, Kyle says to me with determination in his voice, "Tonight, I will open my eyes wide. Daddy said that Santa is a ray of red light. He flashes by in a sec." 

        聖誕節的臉書上記錄著各家小朋友有多麼期待得到聖誕禮物，宥宥在床上打滾三個小時才入睡，小心心從澳洲傳簡訊問奶奶聖誕老人有沒有送禮物到家裡，楷維起床發現聖誕老人把禮物送到另一個家去了。

     On Christmas, Facebook records many children's anticipation of Santa's visit. Yoyo tosses and turns for three hours before falling asleep the night before. Shin sends a text message to Granny from Australia wondering if Santa has successfully delivered her gift. Kyle wakes up to find that Santa has left his gift in the other apartment. 

        大人用可笑的口吻說，小孩子怎麼這麼好騙呢？這世界上怎麼會有聖誕老人呢？

     I hear many adults remark with a teasing tone, "Children are so gullible. How come they believe in the existence of Santa without a doubt?" 

        我說：有什麼關係呢？生活太真實，我們總是得有些天真可笑的信仰。

     I can't help retorting, "Why does it matter? Life is too real. We need some innocent and even ridiculous beliefs to make life easier." 

        本來我最怕大肆慶祝的節日，不過換了個角度想，孩子們和大人們只是需要有一天，吃吃糖、拆禮物、沒理由地胡鬧一下，看到一線紅光，結果我在這一天裡，也感受到濃濃的愛意。

     I tend to shun away from highly promoted holidays. However, I manage to change my point of view. Kids and children just need a day when they can eat candy and unwrap gifts, have fun for no reason, and see a ray of red light. Then, miraculously, I end up feeling sweet love where I didn't expect. 

        有聖誕老公公真好！

     Nice to have Santa! 

Picnic! / 風和日麗的野餐

做了一週的野餐夢，週日早晨接到邀請去野餐的電話，還順便畫了速寫，多美妙的日子！

I had dreamed of picnicking for a week. God must have heard my yearning because I received an invitation to go on a picnic this morning. Better yet, I got to sketch for a whole afternoon. What a lovely day! 

Camping / 去露營

聽說露營這件事很久了，終於有機會和家人去體驗！

I've longed for camping for a long while, and finally, my dream comes true thanks to my family! 

        我們選了新竹尖石鄉的左岸臻美營地，是在一片山坡上，其實開往營地的沿途上有各式各樣的營地可以選擇。

     We book a camping site in the mountain area of Hsin-chu. In fact, there are several ones in different locations and styles on our way to the destination. 

        孩子們第一次露營，好興奮！我們家的修替也感到很幸福！

     The kids can't help exclaiming how excited they are about camping for the first time. Our Shorty feels the same too! 

        山間秋意濃，涼意十足。

     In the mountains we can feel the cool air of fall. 

        這趟小旅行的大心願就是一路不停畫圖，所以大人小孩忙著紮營時，我很廢地在旁邊埋頭塗鴉。

     I have nothing but one goal on the trip: to draw nonstop along the way. So when the adults and kids are busy pitching the tents, I literally do nothing but doodle. 

        每一個鏡頭都想畫。

     I don't want to miss any moment. 

        孩子們也跟著畫。

     The boys also draw with me. 

        思維的塗鴉。

     Von's doodle. 

        我們的鄰居傢伙齊全。

     Our neighbor is fully equipped. They even have a kitchen tent. 

        有時山裡飄來小雨。

     Sometimes it drizzles a little bit. 

        邊吃早餐邊畫的悠閒時光。

     How nice it is to have breakfast and doodle at the same time! 

        修替也覺得好奢侈啊！

     Even Shorty gets carried away by the blissful joy! 

Spring wear / 春裝

今天去掃墓，回家和竣弟在路上聊了很多生活和工作的事，好久沒有這樣輕鬆自在。長大之後，我才明白有手足是多麼幸福，除了有人可以幫忙分擔父母的嘮叨外，還可以看到不同的人生選擇。

Today we went tomb-sweeping. On our way home, Jun and I talked much about life and work, which made me recall our childhood when we always chatted to our hearts' content. After I grew up, I strongly felt how lucky I am to have siblings. Aside from distracting our parents' attention, they also show me life is full of all sorts of possibilities. 

        做自己的品牌並非容易的事，不過從弟弟和宴蘋開創「貳們」之後，我看到他們不懈的努力，也從每一件衣服上感受到設計的誠意，我很羨慕他們的勇氣。從設計到行銷，他們不斷在學習，目標是希望更多人可以穿上他們的設計。

     It is by far from easy to create a brand. However, since Jun and Irma started Irman, I have witnessed their constant effort and sincerity they put into each item. To be honest, I envy them a lot for their courage. They are learning every day about design and marketing in hopes that more people can put on their products. 

        每次看爸爸把貳們的設計穿在身上，便感受到獨特的流行味，生活就是需要那麼點小巧思，看起來就會與眾不同。

     Every time when Dad wears Irman's designs, he looks dashing and alive. Jun and Irma know that it doesn't take much to look different, and they have that "spice" in their line. 

        春天到了，來一件貳們的衣服，看起來會更閃亮！

     With the coming of spring, Irman's clothes will make you stand out!

Could it be that way? / 可不可以？

因為在準備新作品，主題是關於對生病、死亡和寂寞的恐懼，所以把男孩叫來聽故事，也聊聊他們之前對阿嬤過世的感覺。我老是和楷維說阿嬤就在我們身邊，某一天我們吃點心吃得正開心時，他突然冒出一句：阿祖就在我們旁邊對吧！

As I am preparing my new book about the fear of illness, death and loneliness, I tell the boys the story and talk about Granny's death with them. Since I always say to Kai, "Granny is by our side," one day he surprises me with the remark: Great granny is next to us right? 

        可是過幾天他又對我說：可不可以他真的在我們身邊，我也看得到的那樣？

     But a few days later he says to me, "Could she really be there, I mean, physically visible?" 

Granny's map / 阿嬤地圖

雖然這一陣子跑七堵跑得很勤，卻還是有好多想看想知道的事，不只是關於阿嬤，也關於我的童年。今天是放寒假的第一天，我決定拋開時間的枷鎖，盡情地感受這個小地方。

I've been traveling to Chi-du a lot lately. Still, there are still tons of places and people I want to visit here. It's not only about Granny but also about my childhood. Today is the first day of winter break. I've made up my mind to go with the flow and experience my hometown to the fullest.  

        和前幾個星期來的時候一樣，天氣陰雨綿綿，我和火車站便利商店的小妹借了把椅子，坐在後火車站的出口兩個多小時，畫一整排擠在一起的四層公寓。

     Like my previous solo visit, it's drizzling and gray today. I borrow a chair from the convenience store in the train station and sit in front of the exit sketching the four-story apartments for two and half hours. 

        隨著年紀漸長和經驗累積，我常常在畫A地時會想到速寫B地的旅行，或去C的感覺，可以回到我長大的地方用新的眼光看原本熟悉的景色，同時還回憶法國或英國或各國，真的是很幸福的事。一邊畫圖，一邊感受七堵人的民情，這是我小時候想像不到的事。

     As I age, I've accumulated more traveling experiences. Thus, when I am sketching place A, the memory of place B often flashes through my mind, or the moment just reminds me of a trip to place C. I can't think of a more blissful thing than going back to where I grew up and seeing it as if I'd never been there. Meanwhile, it makes me recall the foreign countries I once stayed in. I spend time drawing quietly and feeling what the locals are like, which is something I couldn't imagine I would do when I was little. 

        又去繞了阿嬤最愛的市場，很多人和我提到阿嬤時都提到這個地方，太哥陪阿嬤來市場，阿嬤教他如何買柳丁和冬瓜；美麗和阿嬤逛市場，大家都認識阿嬤，因為會觸景傷情，美麗在阿嬤過世之後沒辦法去市場。我和阿嬤沒有逛市場的共同回憶，我只好用想像力，猜測某幾攤老闆也許認識阿嬤。

     Then I stroll in Granny's favorite market, which many relatives mentioned when we talked about her. Granny taught Tiger, my cousin, how to choose oranges and white gourds. Meili always accompanied Granny on her visits to the market. Because a lot of vendors knew Granny, Meili couldn't bear going there after Granny passed away. I don't have any of these memories, so I can only rely on my imagination, wondering who might be Granny's friends. 

        回到七堵大街上吃豆花，吃完之後和小姐聊了起來，話說十二月中回來看阿嬤，媽媽交代買豆花給阿嬤吃，可是那天豆花店關門，我不是故意要找碴，只是隨口問小姐店是否休週日，然後很神奇地，我並不特別和朋友或同事說外婆過世的消息，我居然對著一個陌生人就自然地和她說有關阿嬤的事，和她說外婆過世前想買豆花讓她開心，和她說外婆月初走了，她居然很不好意思地一直說那天剛好有事，七堵的所有回憶都可以和阿嬤串在一起。小姐看我外帶一杯豆花，問我是否還有親戚住在七堵，本來直覺地回答沒有了，才想到豆花是要給大阿姨的。

     I go back to the main street for a bowl of bean curd. I then strike a conversation with the lady. Back in December, Mom said I could buy some for Granny because she liked it when Mom fed her the dessert on the day before I went back. However, it was closed on the day I returned to Chi-du. Dad and I felt so lost. So I ask her if the shop is closed on Sunday. She says that day was one of the few exceptions. I didn't mention Granny's death to many people, but strangely, I tell the lady about Granny. She feels very sorry about closing the shop that day. It occurs to me that everything that happened in Chi-du can have something to do with Granny. 

     The lady asks me if I still have any relatives in Chi-du. Instinctively I say no, but it is right after I say it that I realize I do. The takeout bean curd is for my eldest aunt. 

經過了空蕩蕩的阿嬤家，沒有進去。

     I pass by the empty apartment of Granny, and I do not go in. 

倒是去了大阿姨家，大阿姨是個孩子，面對孩子我總是很自在，我問她想不想阿嬤，她說：「想啊，那天我哭得很傷心呢！」提起了上週末阿嬤出殯時的風和日麗，她說：「真的是阿嬤的日子。」那天我們燒了漂亮豪華的房子給阿嬤，還有各式家電，「阿嬤現在一定過著快樂的生活，而且也沒有身體的苦痛，可以自在地玩牌。」「和誰玩啊？」大阿姨問。「和朋友啊！」我答，「怎麼樣會遇到呢？」「只要很想就會遇到！」

     Instead, I go straight to my auntie's place. She is a child within, and I am always at ease in children's presence. I ask her if she misses Granny. She answers, "I do. I cried hard last Saturday in the funeral." We speak of the beautiful day. She can't help making the remark, "It was really Granny's day, wasn't it." We burned an extremely luxurious paper house for Granny along with all sorts of electric appliances. "Granny must be having a wonderful time now without any physical pain. Best of all, she can play card games to her heart's content." "With whom?" Auntie asks. "With her friends." I answer. "How can she meet her friends up there?" "As long as she wants to, she will." 

        和大阿姨說再見後，前往阿嬤以前種菜的菜園，遇見正在車庫補漆的四姨丈，他告訴我阿嬤種菜的田地，大阿姨說阿嬤八十歲之後還拉美麗下田呢！我也沒有這樣的回憶，只能在雨中速寫，旁邊種田的先生走過來，我和他說阿嬤的事，他認識阿嬤，「這幾年都沒看見阿嬤了。」「因為身體不行了。」今天走過的每一處都有阿嬤的痕跡，對我來說很有療癒的效果。

     After saying goodbye to Auntie, I move on to the small patch of land where Granny used to grow veggies. I run into my fourth uncle, who's busy painting his car in the garage. He points out the specific patch for me. It's amazing that Granny could still do farm work in her eighties together with Meili. I don't share any memory of that with her either. All I can do is sketch in the rain. A neighbor who's tending his crops walks by. I tell him about Granny, whom he used to know too. "I haven't seen her in the past few years." "Because her health deteriorated." I can find Granny everywhere I visit today, which has a great healing effect on me. 

        我離開這個世界之後也有人會想要走一遍我的生活地圖嗎？

     After I leave the world, will there be anyone who's interested in my life map? 

Have a good night's sleep! / 睡吧！

一月二十四日天氣晴，今天是阿嬤的派對，我們一早就起來準備，因為閃亮的陽光，連位在山丘上的南榮公墓都充滿生氣。

August, 24, sunny. Today is Granny's big party. Everyone of us gets up before daybreak to prepare. The golden sunlight even makes the solemn Nan-rong Funeral Parlor in Keelung appear lively.

        我們訂了最大的會場，大廳前台佈滿了紫色和白色的小菊花，還有粉紅色的玫瑰花和百合，氣氛很溫馨，禮儀師也很專業，我知道這會是一場很美麗的喪禮。可是從走進去就一直掉眼淚，看著小靖製作的照片回顧集，大家都情不自禁地哭了，見到裝扮好的阿嬤又哭了，家祭時聽到小阿姨和太哥訴說著我不認識的阿嬤，一邊跪在地上，眼淚就像珍珠串直滴落在地上，禮儀師就忙著遞衛生紙，喪禮對活著的人來說還真是很有療癒性的團體治療。好多人來看阿嬤，我感謝每一個抽空來送阿嬤的客人，有一群警察還立正致意目送著阿嬤的棺木上山。最後我們在火化之前去看阿嬤最後一眼，我們每個人上前和阿嬤說心裡的話，我說：「你是全世界最棒的阿嬤了，不只是一輩子對每個人慈愛寬容，而且從生病到死亡，一派地溫柔敦厚，再也沒有人能這麼優雅地走完一生。」阿嬤帶著最愛的四色牌和滿滿的玫瑰花上天堂了。

     We have booked the largest hall, with the front decorated with white and light purple chrysanthemums, pink roses and lilies. There is a very warm touch to the funeral. Also, the funeral directors are professional and caring. I have a feeling that this is going to be a very beautiful funeral. Still, tears roll down my face the moment I walk in. The photo collection prepared by Kay is a very moving tear-jerker. We go on shedding tears when seeing the dressed-up granny lying in the coffin. Upon hearing the speeches given by my youngest auntie and my cousin Tiger, tears pour like endless strings of pearls hitting the floor as we kneel in the ritual. The funeral directors are busy passing tissues all the time. I have to say that the funeral is very healing for the living. Granny has many visitors, to everyone of whom I show my deepest gratitude for sparing a morning to say farewell to her. In fact, a group of policemen even salute to Granny as her coffin is being driven to the crematorium, which is a rather magnificent sight.

     We take our last look at Granny before she is to be cremated. Each of us steps forward with a pinkish orange rose to tell her what we feel. I say, "You are definitely the BEST granny in the world not only because you are always kind and forgiving but also because you are so elegant even when ill and dying. I don't think anyone can ever do it better than you." My granny travels to heaven with her favorite card game and roses from us.

        中午全家聚餐時，大家繼續說著和阿嬤曾共度的時刻，小靖說常常睡不著，我想到之前我們在醫院陪阿嬤睡覺，現在她一定坐在月亮上哄我們入睡，以阿嬤的個性，她一定不希望自己的告別影響到我們的生活。

     When having lunch, we go on to share with one another the moments each of us once spent with Granny. Kay has had problems sleeping, which reminds me of our putting Granny to sleep in the hospital four months ago. Now she must be sitting high up there on the moon trying to put us to sleep. As we all know, she is the last person that wants to influence and change our lives because of her departure.

        可是怎麼辦呢？像媽媽說的，阿嬤太棒了，因為她的離開，我的心空了一塊。還好，謝謝我的家人，一路讓我覺得有強壯的肩膀可以靠著，可以一起哭笑地討論我世界上最棒的阿嬤，往後我們也繼續地用這樣的方式記住可愛的阿嬤吧！

     But what can we do? Like what Mom said, Granny is so wonderful. I feel a part of my heart missing because of her. Luckily, I still have my beloved family to lean on all the way. The most comforting moments after Granny is gone are those when we talk about her. Let's keep on doing that in the coming days to remember my adorable grandma! 

Chi-du Market / 七堵市場

阿嬤走了之後，我突然開始想要拼湊她的人生，越發現自己知道的少得可憐，就越想要挖掘。

After Granny passed away, I started to be curious about her life. As I ask more and more questions, I realize I know very little about her. And that just makes me more eager to piece the puzzle. 

        美麗說阿嬤最喜歡逛菜市場，我居然對七堵市場完全沒有回憶，所以我在一個陰雨天裡，又特地搭了火車去七堵菜市場。雨滴答滴答落，但菜市場充滿生氣，在市場逛一圈效果不輸喝蠻牛。

     Meili said Granny loved to shop in the market, which I didn't remember at all. So I take a train on a rainy day to visit Chi-du Market. Despite the rain, the market is throbbing with life. Taking a walk there works as well as drinking a bottle of Red Bull. 

        市場裡有各種顏色、各種味道和各種吆喝聲，我的眼光卻總是停留在老婦人身上。美麗說這陣子不敢去市場，因為大家都認識阿嬤，一定會問阿嬤怎麼沒有來，也許我看到的這些人物都是阿嬤的朋友。

     The market is brimming with all sorts of colors, all kinds of smells and all types of sounds. However, I can't take my eyes off old ladies. Meili has avoided going to the market recently because everyone knows Granny. They are bound to ask her how come Granny doesn't come if she shows up. Maybe these people I see are Granny's friends. 

        「阿嬤喜歡吃什麼菜？」每次回七堵受阿嬤招待，很少看他和我們一同歡樂地吃飯，她總是忙進忙出招呼大家，等我們都吃飽了，她才坐下來吃她專屬的稀飯。「阿嬤不是喜歡吃的人，她的快樂在於每週六為大家準備飯菜，所以大部分去菜市場都只是看看而已。」

     "What did Granny love to eat?" Every time when we went back to Chi-du, I hardly saw Granny eat. She was a busy hostess, and she didn't sit down to eat her porridge until we were all fed. "Granny isn't the kind of person that takes delight in eating. Her joy lies in seeing everybody and preparing the meal. Most of the time when she went to the market, she just looked around." Meili said. 

        媽媽和阿姨卻說：阿嬤這幾年很喜歡吃甜食。臨走前的幾個月，阿嬤特別喜歡喝甜甜的木瓜牛奶，去年十一月底居然也像孩子開始吃餅乾類的零食。

     Mom and Auntie said, "Granny had had a sweet tooth in the past few years." She was especially fond of papaya milk before passing away. At the end of last year, she also began to nibble cookies like a child. 

        「如果我有我們一起來的回憶就好了。」回頭看才知道錯過太多珍貴的畫面，而我們總是活得那麼漫不經心。

     "I wish we had shared moments of shopping in the market together." It's always when we look back that we realize we have missed too many precious moments, but most of us live our lives so absent-minded. 

My last lesson with Granny 3 / 和阿嬤的最後一堂課 3

風和日麗的星期天下午，我坐在阿嬤家的陽台，呼吸著暖冬的空氣，想要用速寫的方式把一切收進眼底和心底，感受阿嬤生活的風景。每次回七堵總是匆匆吃個飯旋風式地離開，這次我想要無止境地待在那裏，感受每一分鐘。

On the sunny Sunday afternoon, I sit on Granny's balcony, breathing the warm winter air. Wanting to remember it all, I begin drawing a sketch of what I saw. Every time when we return to Chi-du, it was always a whirlwind visit. This time I want to discard the manacles of time and stay there without hurrying to my next destination. 

        雖然公寓一間一間地蓋起來，從阿嬤家還是看得到前火車站，熟悉的汽笛聲讓我想到小時候，空靈的夜晚裡總聽得到一樣的背景音樂。焦點往眼前拉近，後火車站的兩樓建築擋住視野，再拉近些就是明德國中的教室，被我畫得很像台北的國宅，我身上的城市味渲染了整張速寫圖。教室後方原本是小小的菜田，以前阿嬤還在那裏種菜；人行道上披了美容院有破洞的毛巾。阿嬤家前方的街道是悠閒的，偶有一兩位行人經過，看見大阿姨熟悉的身影晃過去，我便熱情地打招呼。

     Despite the rising number of apartments, I can still see the train station in the distance. The familiar locomotive sounds remind me of my childhood when I could hear their whistles at dark nights. If we zoom in, the back of the station, which is nearer, has a new second-floor, and it blocks the sky. Right in front of Granny's are the classrooms of Min-der Junior High School. Somehow I make them look like the tall residential buildings in big cities. I can't help but color the sketch with my city feel. The lawn in the back of the school building used to be where Granny planted vegetables. On the fences that separate the school and the road hang some tattered towels of the beauty salon on the ground floor of Granny's apartment. The middle-aged beautician are in a rush to dry them on such a fine day. The street is empty most of the time, with one or two passers-by strolling. When I see my eldest aunt taking a walk after lunch, I greet her from the balcony enthusiastically. 

        從阿嬤過世的那一天開始，我總在陽台等著，看到有車子停在樓下，便猜想應該是來拜訪的親戚或友人。在黑悠悠的夜色裡，看見阿婆阿白花花的身影從車內緩緩地走下來，心裡想：阿嬤等著大家也是這種心情吧！晴朗的週日下午，有幾名不是很確定的中年男女也上樓來了，是阿嬤的鄰居，阿嬤家變成了一個人群聚集的目的地。

     Since the day of Granny's death, I've got into the habit of waiting on the balcony. Seeing cars approaching, I wonder if it's relatives or friends that come to express condolences. When my great aunt's cotton white hair emerges from the car and she slowly descends, I can somehow experience what Granny feels each time visitors come. On the Sunday afternoon, some men and women, not sure if they have come to the right place, stand downstairs. They turn out to be Granny's neighbors. The apartment suddenly becomes a very popular parlor in the quiet neighborhood. 

        我隔著玻璃窗聽著家人在客廳裡邊摺紙蓮花，聊東南西北，好久沒有這麼親切的感覺了。鄰居一上來便說：我才想好久沒在市場看到阿嬤。這幾個月阿嬤病情惡化就再也沒出門去逛他最愛的市場，聽著他們聊啊聊的，我看到了阿嬤在家庭以外的生活，原本以為她沒什麼朋友，這才發現她有著我不知道的人際圈，漸漸地我不擔心了，在另一個世界裡一定也有很多等著他的家人和朋友。鄰居沒有久留，卻帶來許多溫暖。

     I draw and listen to my elder relatives chat as they fold paper lotuses. They chat about everything, their voices being so soothing. One of the neighbors says, "I haven't seen Granny in the market for long." Well, Granny hadn't been unable to go out with her health deteriorating over the past few months. Their  conversation gives me a peek into a whole new world of Granny's life. I used to think that she didn't have friends. It is not until now that I realize she does, which relieves my worries. I bet in her current world, there must be many relatives and friends waiting for her. The neighbors do not stay long, but their warmth lingers even after they leave. 

        前幾晚一走到陽台上，眼淚就嘩啦啦地滾了下來，男孩們出來和我玩，我說：「以前阿祖就在這裡和我們說再見、看我們離開。」講著講著聲音變得哽咽，楷維問：「你怎麼啦？」我說：因為我很傷心。思維很懂事地接著說：「是因為阿祖嗎？」雖然很傷心，但是有小朋友大大的肩膀可以靠。

     A few nights ago, the moment I walked onto the balcony, tears dropped like a turned-on faucet. The boys followed right after me. I told them how Granny waved goodbye to us from the balcony. Then I choked. Kai asked, "What's wrong?" I said, "I am very sad." Von said understandingly, "Because of Granny right?" Though I felt sad, I know I have children's shoulders to lean on. 

        星期天我的肩膀是四歲的小心心，她陪著我在陽台畫圖，字正腔圓地說：「我好喜歡這裡的風景。」我一邊和她說著阿祖的故事，一邊被她療癒著，這些都是阿嬤派來陪我的小天使。

     Then another child comes on Sunday. The four-year-old Xin accompanies me as I sketch. She says to me, "I love the scenery here." I tell her that it's what Granny saw too. I share Granny's stories with her, while she heals me. These are all my little angels sent by Granny. 

        現在走在路上看到別人的阿嬤，眼光總是無法別開，會想要多看一眼，這似乎是回憶阿嬤的一種方式。有時候還是會有一點點傷心，我的快樂像是發酵過的麵粉，看起來很豐盈，但只要輕輕一按，我的心就會瘀傷，不過這也沒什麼不好的是吧！

     Now when I see Granny-like grannies on the roads, I can't take my eyes off them. I guess this is a way for me to remember my granny. Sometimes I am still kind of sentimental. My happiness is like fermented batter. Though it looks fat on the outside, it is bruised easily if someone touches it lightly. There's nothing bad about it actually....

My last lesson with Granny 2 / 和阿嬤的最後一堂課 2

阿嬤過世的同一天傍晚，我們回到七堵等著迎回靈位，客廳裡很熱鬧，孩子們奔跑玩耍著，感覺像是新年。

On the evening of Granny's departure, we returned to Chi-du to welcome her memorial tablet back. The living room was filled with my family members and children running around. It felt no different from our past Chinese New Year's gatherings. 

        靈位帶回家，阿嬤漂亮的照片被放在空空的牌桌上，還有鮮花素果，我們跟著法師念經，希望阿嬤能跟著佛祖走，孩子們也安安靜靜地跟著，這和我以前參加的喪禮都不一樣，溫暖且充滿祝福。

     With the memorial tablet, Granny's beautiful photo, flowers and fruits, the altar looked lively.  We followed the Taoist priest as he recited the Buddhist mantra to guide Granny's soul. The children behaved themselves and worshipped the Buddha figurines with us too. This funeral is very different from the ones I've been to before. Rather than terrifying, it is warm with our best wishes. 

        葬儀社人員幫每個人別上黃麻布，孩子們問為什麼，我們說：這樣阿祖在黑暗裡看到我們的小黃蝴蝶，才找得到回家的路。

     The gentleman from the funeral parlor helped us pin a piece of jute cloth onto our arms. The kids asked why. We replied, "Granny will find her way home if she sees the yellow butterflies in the dark." 

        接下來我們開始折蓮花，孩子們也爭相要學，人手一張蓮花紙，雖然折得歪歪扭扭，卻沒有要停止的意思，四歲的小心心還帶了一整包回家折，於是我把孩子們的作品又打開重折，因為不能辜負他們的心意。

     We went on to fold paper lotus for Granny to step on on her way to Heaven. The children were eager to learn. They each took a piece of paper with a lotus printed on it. Though their works were kind of slanted, nothing could discourage them. The four-year-old Xin even went home with a pack of paper to fold. Thus, not to dampen their spirits, I unfolded their finished works and refolded for them. 

        我參加好幾次喪禮了，可是好像這才是我真正學習的第一次，因為有很好的家人和孩子們，原本覺得麻煩的儀式現在對我來說，每一個細節都安慰著我的心。

     I went to several funerals in my life, but this is the first time I really learn. In the company of my wonderful family and children, the rituals I used to believe irksome so comfort my heart this time. 

My last lesson with Granny / 和阿嬤的最後一堂課

圖摘自游爲淳「小香與大樹」/ image from "Tammy and the Big Tree" by Weichuen You

一月二日早上六點半，家裡的電話響起，即使在睡夢中，我想應該是阿嬤走了的通知，我們隨便套上衣服，趕到醫院時，美麗已經為阿嬤整理好，那些看起來很礙眼的鼻管點滴都拿掉了，還戴上焦糖色的毛線帽，她看起來像個要出去玩的小女生，只是貪睡起不來，手指還是暖暖的，在等待葬遺社人員時，我摸了她好幾次臉龐，覺得這一切很不真實。

At six a.m. on the second day of 2015, the telephone rang. Though I was not awake, I guessed it was the call to inform us of Granny's departure. We dressed in a hurry, but Granny had already been gone by the time we left the apartment. When we arrived at the ward, Granny lay there looking ready to go. Without the intravenous drip and nasogastric tube, she simply looked like a little girl with her caramel knit hat on, but too tired to wake up. I caressed her face and hands several times, the latter still warm. Everything felt so real and unreal at the same time. 

        雖然這半年以來，阿嬤不斷地進出醫院，但從沒有令我覺得生病或死亡是難看的，她離開時也是一貫地溫暖和優雅。我們紛紛和美麗道謝，她已經好幾天眼眶紅紅的，畢竟她陪了阿嬤九年半，對於阿嬤的狀況比我們都看在眼裡，她說：照顧阿嬤我也很開心。之後她給我看了幾張最近和阿嬤的自拍，照片裡的阿嬤剛洗完澡，還是一副想睡樣，看起來精神也不好，可是旁邊的美麗卻一點也不以為意。我記得的是沒有生病的阿嬤，而美麗和生病的阿嬤過每一天，好壞都接受了。

     Over the past six months, Granny went in and out of the hospital several times. She had such an aura that I never felt that being sick or dying is ugly. Her death is consistently warm and elegant. Bidding goodbye to Granny, we said thank-you to Meili, whose eyes had been red and swollen with tears in the past few days as well. Having been with Granny for nine and half years, she actually knows much more about Granny than any of us. She replied, "I had a good time taking care of her." Later she showed me some recent photos of Granny and their selfie. They were taken after Granny's shower. Her eyes were closed most of the time, but in the selfie, Meili still smiled happily. It's the healthy and beautiful Granny that I remember; however, Meili sees the good and bad days of Granny. It feels like even the sick Granny is still beautiful for her. 

        阿嬤要走的一個半月前，我開始一個人坐火車去看她，對我來說這是一種儀式，我想要花一點時間和阿嬤在一起，我們被日常生活的大小事困住了，以為自己沒有時間撥來學習衰老和死亡，可是當我開始這件事時，卻發現應該要早一點做的，所以這兩天我想到這半年以來的阿嬤時很傷心，因為想到她的老化，卻忘了之前那八十九點五年是充滿光亮的。在我們不知忙什麼的同時，美麗和阿嬤有好多故事，他們之間有某種親暱和依賴，是我和阿嬤沒有的，對於這點我有種羨慕又嫉妒的心情。

     One and half months ago, I started the ritual of taking the train to visit Granny alone. I wanted to spend some time alone with her. Most of the time we are trapped by the trifles in our everyday lives, believing that we can't spare any time to learn about aging and death until it is our turn. Nevertheless, I found it was all too late when I began. That is why I felt very sentimental about Granny's change over the past few months; that is because I forget to look at the previous 89.5 years of light. While we were busy with this and that, Meili and Granny had so many stories together. There was a kind of intimacy and dependence that Granny and I didn't have. I can't help feeling envious and jealous. 

        一個人從醫院離開回家的路上，是自我療癒的時間，很久沒有像這樣掉眼淚了，沿途經過早晨的信義區，精品店也都還沒醒，我想著阿嬤坐在我身邊，開啟第一趟自由後的城市之旅，不知道她會不會還是喜歡七堵的純樸？

     On my way home from the hospital, I went on a self-healing bus ride. I hadn't shed tears like this for many years. As I passed by the department stores in Xin-yi District, the boutiques were still sleeping. I imagined Granny sitting next to me on her first city tour after the liberation. I wondered if she still prefers the simple town of Chi-du to the luxurious Taipei city?

Live well / 好好生活

每天晚上睡前我會對自己說：明天我就會找到關於生命和死亡的答案。上帝總是對我很好，我一醒來的瞬間，果然都有個答案等著我。

Every night before going to bed, I will tell myself: Tomorrow morning I'll find the answer to my question about life and death. God has always been nice to me. The answer is there waiting for me the moment I wake up. 

        我明白了在死亡面前我們什麼也不能做，只能靜靜地和它共處，有一天我們也都會走到那一步，而我們擁有的只有現在。今天早上吃完早餐之後我對媽媽說：我們都好好生活吧！雖然這一陣子身體上很疲累，但今天我還是要認真畫畫、認真運動、認真感受生活的每一刻。

     I've learned that in the face of death, we can't do anything but live with it. And one day we'll all face  the moment while what we have is the present. After breakfast this morning, I said the words to Mom: Let's live well. I'd felt exhausted for a while, but today I decide to draw, to exercise, to feel every moment. 

        去看外婆的路上，沿路家人有著瑣碎的對話，病房裡的另一床進行著對他們有意義的喃喃，離開醫院的路上我們又聊著工作上的細節，我們一邊面對著死亡，一邊生活著，沒有人的腳步會停下來，這些言語對我來說撫慰著我的心。

     On our way to the hospital, I am accompanied by the talk over trifles of my family. In the ward, our background music is an endless talk on real estate in Tokyo by the relatives of the other patient. After we leave, we talk further about work during the ride. Life doesn't stop because of death. Surprisingly, these words which might not make too much sense to me are so comforting. 

        眼淚停歇的片刻裡，我打從心底感謝這樣的新年禮物，也覺得自己在家人的擁抱之中，又悲傷又幸福。

     When I am not shedding tears, I really thank Granny for such a significant present from the depths of my heart. Surrounded by my family, I feel sad and lucky at the same time. 

I can let go / 捨得

過去幾個月像是在和時間賽跑，每見一次阿嬤，她就喪失些能力，同時身體的苦痛就多了些，於是我想了個辦法，如果我常去看她，感覺到的變化就不會如此巨大。上個月我們還可以一起度過十分鐘的下午茶，阿嬤神智清楚到還能回想怎樣從七堵到台北的家，一個月之後，阿嬤已經坐不起來了。

I have been racing against the clock in the past few months. Granny loses her abilities day by day, while she suffers from more and more physical pain. I figure that if I visit her more often, I won't lose her at such a fast speed. Last month, we had ten-minute afternoon tea one day with Granny reminiscing how to go from Chi-du to our place in Taipei. However, one month later, she couldn't sit up anymore.

        2014年的最後一天，阿嬤又住院了，我們在跨年的喧囂之中疾駛去醫院看阿嬤，雖然她因為打了嗎啡昏迷，整個人也瘦到不行，我記得的都是那張帶著微笑、發光的臉。入院之前，阿嬤對美麗說自己年紀大了，該走了，現在卻困在疼痛的軀體裡，我們沒有一個人不流眼淚。

     On the last day of 2014, Granny is hospitalized again. We whiz by the crowds that are celebrating the new year everywhere in the city. Though she is currently in a coma because of the painkiller, looking so thin and withered, all I remember is her glowing face with a beautiful smile. This morning she told Meili that it is time for her to go, but now she is trapped in her degenerate body. None of us can stop shedding tears upon seeing her. 

        回家的路上，車窗外的台北夜好迷人，自由的阿嬤可以盡情地享受這美好的景色，雖然會捨不得，可是我很想和她說：這一切都是你的，我希望你帶著大家的祝福展開無憂無痛的新旅程！

     On our way home, I can't help wowing at the fascinating night view of Taipei city outside the car window. If Granny is freed, she can enjoy it all. Though I am still learning to let go of her without feeling sad, I would like to say to her, "This is all yours my beautiful. I want you to embark on a care-less and pain-less journey with everyone's best wishes!"

White picnic / 白色野餐節

沒有靈感的時候就出去玩，躺著看城市的天空，像是超級大的碗公，心情都好了起來。

Play hard when I run out of inspirations. I lie on the grass looking at the city sky, which looks like a super big bowl. It's impossible not to feel elated. 

        身邊被穿著白衣的野餐客圍繞，還有白馬來作伴，真是無比夢幻！

   I am surrounded by picnickers in white. We are accompanied by a white horse. What a dreamy day! 

Aura / 氣場

有一次阿美對我說：去應徵實習的職位，老闆的氣場和你很像。當時聽到這樣的形容覺得很有趣，因為我很少用這兩個字形容人。

Once A-mei said to me, "I went to this design company, and the lady in charge has an aura that reminds me of you." I was amused to hear such description because I hardly used the word "aura" to describe others. 

        最近和阿嬤相見的地方都是醫院，去的時候我好像常困在某種煩惱裡，神奇的是，我並沒有因為看到生病的阿嬤感到更加沮喪，雖然阿嬤很不舒服，可是她有種氣場，讓我看著她時，看到的是溫暖和新生，離開她時，我的宇宙又重組了一遍。

   Lately I've always met up Granny in the hospital. Usually I am trapped in a certain kind of dilemma before going. However, I do not feel more frustrated upon seeing Granny tortured by physical pain. She has an aura that makes me see warmth and new life. When I leave, my universe is reconstructed one more time. 

        幾個月前楷維替我的Moleskin筆記本封面塗鴉，他塗抹一番後我接手，我們畫了一隻很亮麗的阿嬤鳥，穿著時尚的美麗衣裳，自由自在，過了幾個月，壓克力漸漸脫落，我還是好喜歡這個角色。希望阿嬤也能夠如此無所拘束。

   Several months ago Kai doodled on my Moleskine book. I took over afterwards. We created a dazzling Granny Bird dressed in a glamorous outfit. She looks so carefree. Though the acrylics have gradually fallen off, I still love her very much for she always makes me recall my one-of-a-kind granny. 

I've got a girlfriend! / 我有女朋友！

楷維繪 / drawn by Kai

楷維去上學了！第一週還有點不適應，雖然哥哥的教室在他的正上方，不時去探訪他，楷維還是哭了好幾天，並且羨慕思維一星期有兩天半天。

Kai finally went to school! He was homesick during the first week. Though Von's classroom is right above his and Von visits Kai as often as he can, Kai still cried for several days. He also envied Von for having two half days off a week. 

楷維繪 / drawn by Kai 

        接下來雖然好了點，但是他居然說他很想念在家和乾阿嬤自學的日子，我們問每天上課的情形，聽起來不外乎是看書、吃點心、聽故事、散步，也沒什麼不好的。

   Though he gradually got used to school life, to our surprise, he missed those home-schooling days with my mom. We asked about his school days. Basically, it's reading, eating, listening to stories and taking walks, which sounds quite relaxing to me. 

楷維繪 / drawn by Kai 

        有一天早上要出門時，為了增強兄弟們上學的慾望，我隨口開了回家路上的任務，那一天的題目是：放學回家時我有多快樂？

   One morning on my way out, I gave them an after-school challenge to enhance their desire to go to school. The task that day is: How happy am I when school is over? 

        回到家時兩人都等不及地和我分享答案，哥哥說：像飛來飛去的戰鬥機那樣逍遙；弟弟說：像到外太空旅行。

   At the end of the day they couldn't wait to share their answers with me. Von said, "I'm as happy as a flying fighter jet." Kai's answer is: It's like traveling to outer space. 

楷維繪 / drawn by Kai

        上週末哥哥洩密說有女生喜歡楷維，我問阿楷他怎麼知道，「她有說方楷維我喜歡你嗎？」這傢伙想了一下才說：對，就像你說的那樣。

   Last weekend Von revealed that a girl has a crush on Kai. I asked, "How did you know? Did she tell you that?" He thought for a while, finally replying, "Yes, just like what you said." 

        過了幾天，楷維說：可是我喜歡的是XXX。「她也喜歡你嗎？」「對！」

   A few days later, Kai said, "But I like another girl." "Does she like you too?" "Yeah!" 

汪達繪 / drawn by Wanda

        又過了幾天，我下班回家，兄弟倆便衝出來宣布：楷維有女朋友了！而且他們還牽手！楷維一向是自在灑脫的人，他展現無比的開心，阿嬤問他女朋友漂不漂亮，他很愉悅地說：um hum！而且他又脫口說出至少五個女孩的名字，我說：什麼，他們也都喜歡你喔？他一點都不遲疑地點頭。

   A few days later again, the two boys rushed out to announce to me when I came in, "Kai has a girlfriend! They even held hands!" Kai is always very open with his feelings. He doesn't feel shy or embarrassed at all. His granny asked him if his girlfriend is beautiful. He answered in a Casanova style, "Um hum!" He also blurted out five girls' names, and I couldn't stop being surprised, "They all fall for you?" He just nodded without hesitation. 

汪達繪 / drawn by Wanda

        結果瑜媽媽又跑來爆料，不太和女生說話的哥哥聽到弟弟有手牽手的女朋友，感到很羨慕，楷維的吸引力連原本總是指使他的哥哥也受到影響，這個小男生到底有什麼本事啊？

   Then I was told by their mom that even Von, who hardly talks to girls, envies Kai so much for having a girl he likes and holds hands with. It's always Von that gives orders to and leads Kai, and now it's the other way round. What is Kai's charm? 

        那些上學不有趣的抱怨全被拋在腦後，我逗楷維：我也好想有可以牽手的男朋友喔！其實我更羨慕的是他的大方不遮掩，十年之後二十年之後也還會這樣嗎？

   He must have forgot all the complaints about school's being boring. I tease Kai, "Oh, I want a boyfriend with whom I can hold hands too!" In fact, I envy more his honesty. Will he still be so in another ten or twenty years?