new life / 新生活

之前對於搬家這件事很抗拒，這大概反應我對改變的態度，但是今年因為人生的計畫，有一種豁出去的氣勢，結果發現自己適應得還真快，並且很享受新生活帶來的改變。

I had been resisting the idea of moving, and I think it reflects my attitude toward change at the first moment. However, due to my life plan this year, I chose to go with the flow this time. It didn't take me long to get used to my new life and in fact, I quite enjoy the change. 

回家的路上像是置身於旅遊廣告的場景，被各國的觀光客和巨大的精品海報環繞，回到家之後那一切卻與我無關，我在熙熙攘攘之外磨墨寫字畫畫，覺得自己的心境比前一陣子平靜許多。

My daily journey home feels like a glamorous MV ride for Taipei's tourism. I am surrounded by tourists from different nationalities and huge name-brand posters. Yet they all have nothing to do with me. At home, I rise above the hustle and bustle by immersing myself in writing calligraphy and painting. Somehow my state of mind is calmer than a while ago. 

不過我喜歡看著遊客在台北101前的LOVE雕像擺出各種姿勢拍照留念，不論怎麼改變，都要保留那大紅色的熱情精神！

But I do love to watch tourists take pictures in front of the LOVE statue right front of Taipei 101. No matter how life changes or how we change life, that loud-red passion cannot be left behind!

Kai's debut show / 小楷的第一次

搬家一個多星期之後來了兩位小訪客，小楷突然興起坐馬桶的念頭，於是他的第一次就獻給了我們家幸福的浴室。

More than one week after we moved into the apartment, there came my two little visitors. Kai was suddenly gripped by the ambition to try the toilet. Thus, our "blessed" bathroom records one of his beautiful firsts.

The way we are / 姿態

明明家裡一片混沌，我居然在亂中取景，找到每個人搬家的姿態，而這些代表畫面也明顯表達家人對我要出國讀書的觀點：

The apartment is in a total mess, but strangely, I find interesting scenes for doing sketches out of the chaos. These images of everyone’s packing styles perfectly reflect their ideas about my going to U.K. for further studies.

弟弟：真不敢相信妳要去那麼冷的地方！

我：只是去一陣子，又不是去一輩子。

Jun: I can’t believe that you’ve chosen to go to such a cold place!

Me: I’m going there only for a short while, not for my whole life.

爸爸：做這件事對妳的工作沒有甚麼幫助，妳應該只是去讀好玩的吧！

不過因為爸爸很愛我，我想他試著認同我喜歡做的事，在這幾個月裡，我們的對話中時不時提到和倫敦有關的一切，就連我當大家在辛勤打包時抽空塗鴉，他也採放縱的態度，對我真是相當容忍。

Dad: Making this decision won’t do any good to your current job. You just draw for fun right?

However, Dad loves me a lot, so he tries to accept everything I do. In the past few months, we have mentioned London many times in our dialogs. Even when I laze around with everyone else busy packing, he takes a very lenient and tolerant attitude toward my eccentricity.

至於媽媽，好幾位同齡的朋友或同事居然都問了一樣的問題：妳媽媽怎麼說呢？我回答：我已經很老了，媽媽管不動我，儘管如此，我發現她每天的想法都有變動，剛開始我還在考慮要不要接受基礎學位，傑哥強烈地建議我去美國而不是英國，我感到心煩意亂時，媽媽很理性客觀地說：就算去英國，妳一定也會學到新事物，但可能數個星期之後，她突然冒出來一句話：妳怎麼能夠確定妳去得成？我希望妳不要去。我們不停在矛盾的想法之間搖擺，我配合著搖擺，因為我知道這就是愛的樣子吧。

而當我今早在速寫時，我對走過來要收拾衣服的媽媽說：等一等，我還沒畫完，她很乾脆地走開一邊喃喃自語：這樣也可以畫‧‧‧

As for mom, I’ve been asked the same question by some people of my age: Does your mom agree to your decision? I reply: I am too old to ask for my mom’s approval. She is probably the most realistic person in my family in that her mind changes all the time. In the beginning, while I was hesitating whether to take the offer of the foundation degree, Jei strongly suggested that I go to the States instead of Britain. Mom only made the following rational comments, “I think you should go because you’ll learn new things no matter what.” But a few weeks later, words of doubt would pop out of her mouth, “How can you be so sure that you will go in the end? I hope you won’t.” She swings between the two contradictory thoughts with me pretending to oscillate along because I know it’s love that makes her so.

When I was doing a sketch of her clothes this morning, I stopped her from putting them into the box. She only walked away without any objection murmuring, “That’s an inspiration too?”

還有我，急著把東西收好，才能沒有罪惡感地玩耍。

And me, so eager to pack everything away that I can play without feeling a sense of guilt…

Moving / 搬家

幾天前早晨起床吃早餐時，盯著電視機前打包好的幾個紙箱看了一陣子，出門前決定替這個景色畫張速寫，因為我活到目前為止，不包括那些大大小小的遠行，這是第二次搬家，當時只想著，也許在之後過於靜止的人生裡，我會想念搬家的動亂。

A few days ago while having breakfast, I stared at the well-packed boxes surrounding the TV set. Before leaving home, I decided to do a quick sketch of the temporary scene. Apart from those long and short trips I have taken, this is only my second time of moving. I thought that maybe I will miss all this mess in the future when my life becomes stagnant.

不到三天的光景，我們進入收拾的高峰期，家裡到處都是箱子，這時才赫然發現我囤積的物品遠超過我想像的量，而且身旁多了兩隻小野獸爬進爬出，我還得把工作設計成遊戲，分給兩兄弟聽起來很了不起的角色，我自己也變成回收大隊的資深隊長，工作才能有效率的進展，但是等到最後耐心全磨盡了，我橫下心來，決定人生從現在要重頭開始，不僅大部分的書籍被送出去，我把過去十年的畫作全部作紙類回收，也許未來的作品並不會更好，但是無實質負擔的希望勝過物品的累贅，我毫無留戀地選擇向前行。

Within less than three days, we have entered the intensive stage of packing. The apartment is strewn with boxes. It is not until now that I realize I have accumulated much more objects than I imagined. Meanwhile, I have two little beasts to attend to. To be as efficient as possible, I turn work into a game by assigning roles to Von and Kai while I call myself the senior captain of the recycling team. In the end, after my patience is all worn out, sentimentality can no longer stand in my way. I give away most of my books, and moreover, recycle my artworks in the past ten years. I am of course aware that my future works won’t necessarily be better, but at this point, the weightless hope toward the future outdoes the weighty objects from the past. It’s certainly much easier to move forward without any substantial burden.

這時候我很感謝學生，熱情地接受我每天帶到學校的小禮物，但是大家看到我如此率性地給予，很擔心我之後迅速地把他們給忘了，許多回憶隨著時間被丟棄，不過重要的會留在心裡，就說遺忘是為了把某些事記得更牢吧！

At this time I am very thankful to my students, who embrace the “gifts” I take to school every day. However, on seeing me give in such a generous manner, they are afraid to be forgotten by me within a short time after we say goodbye. Well, even though many memories are disposed of with time passing, the important ones will be kept deep in my heart. Don’t we forget to save room for significant stories in our mind?

Upwards / 向上

江老師說，國畫裡不喜畫櫻花，因為櫻花的花瓣向下垂。這個星期我的功課是畫杜鵑花，老師給我的範本中，花瓣都朝外上方開，感覺是積極的春天。

Jim said that cherry blossoms are not a favorite in Chinese painting because the petals droop downwards. This week my assignment is drawing azaleas. Jim painted a sample for me and the petals turn outwards and upwards. Through the image, I can envision a positive spring season.

這兩天天氣好得不得了，上帝對我也特別好，改了好幾份作業，看了一些申請手冊，感受到孩子們的進步，有的是長距離的慢跑，有的是我不經意的動作，卻產生了我意想不到的好結果，我們之間從誰開始的向上力不重要了，因為我們彼此都受惠，希望這股力量在我們分手之後會一直記在心裡。

The weather these two days have been gorgeous. God is especially nice to me. After having looked at some reading notes and portfolios for application to colleges, I feel my kids’ overwhelming progress. For some, it’s a long running marathon, and for others, it’s a good result brought about by little things I do. It doesn’t matter where the strong urge to reach for a goal originates because both of us profit from it. I do hope that this driving force will stay with us when we are no longer together.

Kai’s talk / 童言童語

楷維的語言能力在將近兩歲時爆炸式地發展，雖然有時候發音怪怪的，但習慣之後我不免感到驚訝，回想他兩個月前只能一次說一兩個單字，現在居然也能響珠砲哇啦哇啦地講話，我把他有趣的思維記錄下來，以便將來回顧。

Kai’s language ability has taken a HUGE leap before he turns two years old. Though sometimes his pronunciation isn’t precise, he never fails to amaze me. It’s hard to imagine that he could utter only one or two words in a sentence two months ago, and now it’s a piece of cake for him to make a long sentence. I would like to record his childlike ideas so that I can look back on these memories in the future.

一、楷維稱呼各式人偶為「妹妹」，舉凡咕咕鐘上面的小人或櫃子裡陳放的組裝機器人，這些東西令他很害怕，也許他看到裡面的甚麼也說不定。

1. Kai calls all kinds of figurines “mei-mei” (meaning younger sisters), including the small figures that come in with the cuckoo clock and my brothers’ hand-assembled toy figures. In fact, he finds them scary. I am thinking maybe he sees something inside them which is invisible to adults…

二、盆栽掉落的花瓣使楷維好奇，自從我教了他「花落了」，他每次走進客廳來一定要複習，我看著他天真地說出這麼滄桑的字語，感覺非常特別。

2. The falling petals from the bonsai aroused Kai’s curiosity. Since I taught him the sentence “The flowers have withered,” he has got into the habit of reviewing it every time he walks into the living room. It feels very special for me to hear such a philosophical statement from a 2-year-old soul.

三、說要打屁屁，楷維很誠懇地翹起屁股說：在這裡。

3. Whenever we threaten Kai with spanking, he will stick out his buttocks saying, “Here they are.”

四、最喜歡車車的楷維也會指揮倒車入庫，看他比著手投入地叫著：再來再來，我想他在會說話之前一定等很久。

4. Kai, a fervent car fan, has also learned to give commands about parking. When seeing him gesture and shout, “Backwards!” I can’t help wondering that he must have waited long before being able to say these words with ease.

Leaving traces of memory / 留念

鋼琴被搬走了，不過是到我最愛的小方小楷家，我也開始整理書櫃了，裡面滿滿的英文小說是我的青春寫照，，我想在和他們分手之前畫一張圖於書的背脊上－小楷喜歡坐在鋼琴上俯瞰窗外的風景，我希望自己也能時時有這樣的視野。

Our piano was moved away and sent to Von and Kai’s. I have started to sort through shelves of novels in English, which are such a precious symbol of my youth. I’d like to draw something on the ridges of the books before parting ways with them—Kai loves to sit on the piano and overlook the view outside the window. I hope to take such a perspective all the time.

London Bridge / 倫敦大橋

下雨的週末，我們在客廳裡畫畫，小方邊哼著「倫敦大橋倒下來」，小楷在「倒下來」的小節就加入，這是個有點慵懶有點彩色的春天。

On the rainy weekend, we draw and paint in the living room. Von hums the nursery rhyme “London Bridge Is Falling Down.” Kai joins in when his elder brother gets to the “falling down” part. This is a sort-of-laidback and sort-of-colorful spring.

Super Lucky / 無敵幸運

上個周末去了倫敦藝術大學的說明會，負責招生的教授Wendy Anderson說，一定要隨身帶著速寫本，內容不一定要是塗鴉，就算是購物單或描寫戀愛對象都可以，之前從申請學校開始，我一直被灌輸成品不是最重要的結果，反倒是發想的過程，而速寫本裡最好記錄這整串的演變。想到未來我的腦袋可能會被整個解體再重組，原本的擔憂都變成興奮，我想起秀貞說，看看一年以後的我作品有甚麼樣的改變，連我自己也很好奇。

Last weekend I went to the orientation seminar held by University of the Arts London. The professor responsible for recruiting new students, Miss Wendy Anderson, said that a designer or artist must carry with him or her a sketchbook. It doesn’t have to be a collection of images. It can be a shopping list or about someone you are in love with. Since applying for schools, I’ve been told that the finished work is not as important as the process of brainstorming. How one derives the inspiration is more likely to arouse the teacher’s curiosity. Upon thinking that my whole brain will be deconstructed and re-pieced together, what I had perceived to be anxiety all turned out to be excitement. Jane wondered how my works would change in one year, which equally interests me.

小小的演講室裡放眼望去至少有四分之一的同學年齡是我的一半，由爸媽陪同著，再看看入學許可上的花費金額，我不禁想這些人應該從小就過著不愁錢的生活，真的是美麗的人生。對我來說，我可以離開的時間有限、預算有限，可是我覺得自己無敵幸運，因為有限制的條件下讓我從之前就要很珍惜這個決定為我帶來的動力，怎麼說我都很高興從頭到尾都是我自己一個人全權負責，但我不會忘記和大家分享我得到的啟發和快樂。

I took a quick glance at the small room filled with my future classmates, at least one fourth of whom are half my age accompanied by their parents. I then glimpsed at the amount of tuition fee on the acceptance form. I couldn’t help guessing that these kids never have to worry about money. In a sense, what a beautiful life…For me, I can get away only for a period of time on a limited budget, but I already consider myself super lucky. Given these conditions, I have started to cherish the impetus this decision brings me since a few months ago. And I am proud of myself for taking full responsibility for making this decision and carrying it out all on my own. However, I will never ever forget to share with others the inspiration and joy this detour brings me.

Auntie Wan / 汪阿姨

許多人選擇不生小孩的理由是，這個世界太險惡，新世代要面對那麼多前所未見的挑戰是不公平的，我一直都認為活著就充滿無限可能，每個人會找到自己的路，但最近的天災頻繁，進步的科技好像並沒有讓人過更好的生活，我開始認同憂心人士的觀點，新生兒有甚麼義務去承受之前世世代代累積的貪惡和自私呢？

I’ve heard that many people choose not to have children because this world is too sinister and rugged. It is unfair for the newborns to be confronted with so many unprecedented challenges. I had always believed that life itself was full of possibilities, and that everyone would find their way to survive. However, I’ve come to identify with others since large-scale natural calamities occur at such a frequent rate and advanced technology doesn’t actually ensure a better life. It doesn’t make sense for the new generation to bear the negative consequences caused by greed, evil and selfishness of their ancestors.

現在我們再也不能拍胸脯地說，等你長大或幾十年以後這種字眼，安然活著的每一天都是賺到的，隨時都要心存感激。我也知道正在眼前發生的浩劫，但我還是要因為孩子們微小的、瑣碎的進步感到喜悅：小楷的句子字數增加到三四個字了，雖然大家猛教他對我說汪達姨，我在他口中變成了汪阿姨。我離開世界的時候，要帶著是這樣的回憶。

Now we can’t say with assurance words like, “After you grow up,” or “in decades…” Every day when we are still able to go about our daily routines is an extra gift. It is blasphemous to live without a thankful heart. I am so aware of the terrible catastrophe that is playing out right in front of my eyes, but meanwhile I want to be joyful for the kids’ tiny and trivial progress—Kai is capable of saying more than three words in each sentence. Everyone repeats to him how to say “auntie Wanda,” though I turn out to be auntie Wan. When I leave the world, I want to go away with such memories.