the middle point / 中間點

上一篇網誌說到我忙了一整個週末，在週日晚上和嘉蕊用餐時，她問我為何不用老師和同學建議的想法，我本來脫口而出說，我不是很懂他們的重點，但這麼說的那一刻，我突然想通了，因為之前為了玫瑰湊合出來的圖像仍舊牽強，本來我都要翹腳休息了，卻在週日晚上犧牲看愚蠢偶像劇畫新的草圖。

In my last entry, I mentioned how I was totally dedicated to my first idea during the weekend. On Sunday evening when I dined with Jazel, she asked me how come I didn't give a second thought to the idea picked by Lou and my classmates. I blurted out, "I don't quite get their point," and on saying that, I figured it out. After all, the new images I produced to go with the rose image are not so closely linked to it. I had planned to take Sunday evening off, but then I sacrificed my leisure activity of watching silly TV series for drawing new sketches. 

新的想法有關命運的主題，把羅密歐和茱麗葉的故事放到不同的時代，羅密歐都還是會陰錯陽差錯過羅倫斯神父傳遞給他的訊息，以致他最後誤以為茱麗葉死了也跟著自殺，我選了劇本當時派信差的年代、1950年用電報和現在的手機通訊。

My new idea has to do with the theme of fate. My point states that no matter which context we place the story of Romeo and Juliet, the former will miss Friar Lawrence's message coincidentally so that he ends up believing that Juliet is really dead, which leads to his suicide. I chose the era of the play when messages were delivered by messengers, the 1950s when telegrams were dispatched and modern days of cell phone communication. 

不同於上個想法的抽象表達，這次我想用三幅漫畫呈現，而我之所以覺得很辛苦是因為平常愛怎麼畫就怎麼畫，但最近老聽老師說要去找參考資料，所以我先把各個年代的建築和字體找來，一一畫好才做最後的稿，這當中我覺得我要很努力地才能畫出來像其它漫畫家的流暢線條。

Different from the abstract thinking of my previous idea, this time I'd like to make use of the comic form in three images. I found it really challenging because I don't usually pay attention to the real proportions of human figures or buildings. However, lately the teachers have often mentioned the importance of getting references. Thus I looked for architecture, clothing styles, and typography of all the eras needed. I drew based on the information before settling for the final draft. In the process, I made much effort trying to present the flowing lines of really admirable graphic novelists or comic artists. 

相對於很多無法放掉堅持的同學，我完全相反，我可以很快地接受建議，對於我原本的東西沒有留戀，也很願意聽別人的想法，這和我老是覺得自己不夠好的想法很有關係。

Compared with many classmates who can't let go of their preferred subject matters and styles, I am at the other end of the spectrum. I am more than ready to take others' advice, and I discard what I have without nostalgia. I'd like to hear what others think as well, all of which has much to do with the deep-rooted thought that I don't think I am good enough. 

週一繪里看了我的稿之後很明白地對我說，就做莎士比亞年代的連環圖吧，我很高興地採納她的看法。

On Monday after Elie took a look at my drafts, she said to me straightforward that I should do the Shakespearean era comics. I accepted it gladly. 

因為在原著裡，送信的神父去到曼都亞時，當地有疫情，他被隔離起來，因此無法及時傳遞信件。這個版本連我自己都覺得很難懂，而且圖像和字體都不行，明明我想了很多，結果卻很可怕。我和嘉蕊討論之後決定試試看現代版。

In the original play, Friar John, who is the messenger, is quarantined when he tries to deliver the letter to Romeo in Mantua. I found this version hard to comprehend, not to mention the terrible writing and typography. I covered as much as possible while doing the planning, but it ended up as a disaster. After I discussed with Jazel, I decided to try the modern version first. 

草稿裡本來放了很多細節，但我想到這個廣告是要放在地鐵站，大部份的乘客只會花幾秒的時間觀看，所以昨天就把一切簡化。

There were many details in the drafts, but upon thinking that the ad is designed for the metro station, most passengers will spend no more than a few seconds reading it. I therefore simplified the images yesterday. 

最後這幾張看起來線條簡單，我卻花上一整天定稿試色等等。

Though the final images look really simple, it took me a whole day to decide the final look and try out the colors. 

連嘉蕊也來幫我試字體和排版。

Jazel helped me with the typography and layout. 

把圖又重畫一次才做最終版，弄到晚上十點多，我真的覺得快虛脫了。

I redrew individual images before arranging the final version. I didn't finish it until 10:30 pm, and meanwhile, I was dehydrated. 

我覺得這是我的極限，所以不論老師給我什麼評論，我都問心無愧。露看了之後說：這不是你的東西，你怎麼能做出這麼無聊的作品呢？她說之前那些隨便畫的小圖都比這個好太多，因為這些圖看起來很死。

I felt that this was what I could come up with, so no matter what comment the tutor gave me, I wouldn't feel guilty toward myself. After Lou looked at my work today, she said: This is not you. The work is boring. She said the thumbnail images I did before are way better than this because the images look dead. 

回家的路上我想著，我不應該沮喪的，我覺得自己畫不好，露喜歡的卻是那個我，而急於改進的我把那部份也拋到腦後，在想要用圖像溝通時，我犧牲了原來有的東西，啊，如果這算是人生很困難的課題，其實算簡單了，我的課題是找到中間點。

On my way home I thought to myself, I shouldn't feel discouraged. I never think I am good enough, but Lou likes the part of me I negate. And as I am eager to make progress, I have thrown that part of me behind. In trying to "communicate" through my image, I sacrifice what I have. Well, if this is a difficult question in life, then life isn't that difficult. My lesson is to find the middle point. 

下午讀瑞典插畫家亞斯翠林格蘭寫的Pippi的故事，皮皮說：活著是多麼美妙啊！是啊，可以看到美麗的冬日景色，可以知道自己的問題，可以勇敢面對，沮喪不超過六分鐘，還好下星期才是最後的交稿日，還好‧‧‧

In the afternoon when I was reading the story of Pippi written by the Swedish illustrator Astrid Lindgren, Pippi said, "How glorious it is to be alive!" Indeed. I get to see the fascinating winter scenery, find out my problems and face them with courage without feeling depressed for more than six minutes. And fortunately, I have another week before the final due date. Fortunately... 

my dodo bird / 我的豆豆鳥

羅夫史戴曼之豆豆鳥於「絕種鳥之魂」展 / Ralph Steadman's dodo bird at the exhibition Ghosts of Gone Birds 

去了傑克推薦的絕種鳥畫展，我花了一個多小時在Shoreditch晃來晃去，一度朝相反方向走，終於找到畫廊，不過我得說，我非常感謝傑克告訴我這個訊息，不然我現在應該還在研究機器人的畫法。羅夫史戴曼也是我最近才認識的插畫家，看著他畫的豆豆鳥，我想著傑克說的，你畫屬於你的機器人，也很好。

I went to the exhibition of extinct birds recommended by Jake. It took me more than one hour to find my way in Shoreditch. Once I even took the opposite direction, but luckily, I still ended up finding the gallery. Despite the getting-lost part, I had to admit that I am extremely thankful to Jake for telling me about the exhibition, or I'd still be working on the robot now. Ralph Steadman is a famous illustrator whom I've got to know only recently.  Looking at his dodo bird, I couldn't help thinking of Jake's words, "You draw your kind of robot, which is good too." 

我在這裡過著非常「環保」的生活，但唯一難忍受的是看到同學們拿出各式各樣的顏料，或者當我去到美術行時得深呼吸保持冷靜快速走出，跟自己說只要有創意的靈魂，就可以把有限的媒材做無限使用。但這個星期無數人和我提到Cass Art的打折商品，我有一種忍不住的衝動了。

I lead a very "eco-friendly" life here, but my only temptation is when I see others take out all sorts of paints, or when I go to an art supply shop, I have to take a deep breath, keep calm and walk out asap. I will brainwash myself by saying that as long as I have a creative soul, I can make countless use of limited media. However, this week too many people had mentioned to me about the sales in Cass Art, and I couldn't control myself anymore. 

我心想那就避開Cass Art，想不到去我家附近的Cowling & Wilcox，可能和Cass Art在互相競爭，價錢更低，而墨汁組幾乎是每個藝術主修必備的工具，我決定不壓抑了。

I thought, ok, then I should avoid going to Cass Art, but when I went to Cowling & Wilcox in my neighborhood for a bottle of fixative, the prices are even more competitive probably because of the competition with Cass Art. Ink set is almost every art major's prerequisite tool. I decided to go for it. 

畫了一整天的豆豆鳥，在買了墨汁後試驗新工具，有種工欲善其事必先利其器之感，畫出一整天沒有捕捉的感覺，這不是我的最終稿，我很快也會覺得可以畫得更好，但目前牠是我的豆豆鳥！

I had drawn the dodo bird for a whole day. After I tried the ink, I had the feeling that tools can help me so much in achieving my goal. I captured something I couldn't with other media during the day. This is not my final version, and I'll soon think I can do a much better job, but for the time being, it is MY dodo bird! 

remembered drawing III / 記憶畫法（三）

週末照樣忙著畫畫，現在習慣了週六晚上在家裡趕速寫本，反而和話不投機的朋友出去還比較寂寞，總是這樣一路畫到週日晚上，剩沒多少時間把房間打掃一下，心理上要準備好週一進畫室一整天的畫畫行程。這週一去了牛津的Pitts River Museum校外教學，我就坐在自然歷史博物館的入口畫豆豆鳥的標本，畫了四個小時，中間新朋友小惇先生抽空從隔壁的牛津大學實驗室過來和我聊個幾句。特蕾莎問我：我們這樣花了十三磅一路坐車來這裡的意義何在？我也不清楚，像我這樣總是專注在一件物品上的人，就算坐在公園裡畫松鼠也可以畫幾個小時，不過下週我們就得把週一的速寫變成完整的作品，可以說是第一個月的終點。回程走在牛津的路上，同學紛紛問我，想到要做什麼了嗎？我說不知道，而且我給這答案時一點都不擔心，因為剛開學老師說，有一些人每次得到題目時總是一下就預想到最後的成品，我以前就是那種人，他們希望我們可以多探索不同的可能性，顯然我已經被教育成他們要的樣子了。

As usual, last weekend I was busy drawing. Now instead of going out with people whom I don't connect with, I find it a luxury to stay home on Saturday evenings to do my sketchbook homework. I'd draw all the way from Saturday to the end of Sunday, and then the remaining time is reserved for cleaning my room and getting prepared for another long day of drawing on Monday. This week we took a field trip to  Pitts River Museum in Oxford. I sat near the entrance of the Natural History Museum for drawing the taxidermy of the dodo bird for four hours. In the middle of working, my new friend Duen-wei took a pause from his work and came to visit me from his building in Oxford University to have a short chat with me. Teresa asked, "What's the point of spending 13 pounds and coming all the way from London to draw an exhibit here?" I couldn't figure it out either since I can do the same thing in any corner of London for a few hours because I love to concentrate on one thing or a scene. However, by next Monday we will have to hand in a finished illustration developed from our sketches done in the museum, and it will be the culminating point to summarize our past month of drawing exercise. On our walk in Oxford, others asked me if I had thought of anything. I replied that I don't, but I was not worried at all. At the beginning of the term, the tutors said that some people could foresee their finished illustrations the moment they got a topic, but they'd like us to explore more possibilities during the process. Obviously, they have turned me into what they want us to be...

沒寫部落格的幾天裡發生好多事，胖了一些；日光節約時間改回來了，所以現在四點多就天黑，我居然在漫漫長夜裡也覺得安心；見了朋友和他的朋友，在倫敦第一次去運動中心；每天感受嘉蕊的溫暖，剛才在她那裡吃了很豐盛的一餐；有一天我和嘉蕊說，每次和朋友出去，聊到很晚時，朋友會說要打電話給伴侶報平安，我總是想，那有誰在意我的安危呢？於是有一晚嘉蕊得晚歸時，我們就開始了互相打電話報平安的習慣，我們不只是朋友，是家人，雖然在這偌大的城市裡只有一個可以依靠的人，這樣就夠了。

During my absence from the blog, so many things happened. I gained some weight. The clock was turned back, so now the sky darkens before five pm. Strangely, I feel rather peaceful in the long evening. I met James and his friend Marcia and went to a sports center in London for the first time. Every day I bask in Jazel's warmth, and in fact this evening I had a big meal prepared by her. One day I told her, "Every time when I go out with friends, they'll call up their partners when it's late. I often think who cares about my safety at moments like that." So one night when Jazel had to come back late, we started the habit of calling each other to make sure we are safe and sound. We are more than friends. We are family. Though there is only a person like that in this big city for me, it suffices.

做完第三本速寫本了！

I finished my 3rd sketchbook! 

夏天和小方兒去旅行。

I went traveling with Von in summer. 

這看起來不太像小方，汪達姨已經很努力地在加強速描技巧了！

This doesn't look like Von, but auntie Wanda has worked very hard at drawing! 

老師一直鼓勵大家要採用敘事的形式，所以我把和小方阿楷分手的故事畫出來。那天我和小蕙聊天，才發現我也是個感情很重的人，不要緊，我就找個像小方重感情的人好了。

The tutors have encouraged us to take up the narrative form of expression, so I adopted the comic form in telling the story of my saying goodbye to Von and Kai. When I chatted with Hui over the phone the other day, I realized that I am someone with heavy feelings. It doesn't matter. I should find someone like Von, who is deeply attached to me. 

嘉蕊送給我速描用的小木人，我把他拿來畫我夏天起跑的過程變化。

Jazel gave me the wooden man for sketching. I used it to draw the process in which I took off in summer. 

夏天搭捷運時儘量不走樓梯，是另一種形式的被困。

I avoided taking the stairs when taking the MRT during summer, but in fact I felt trapped by the restriction and by my knees as well. 

我喜歡磨墨，夏天也磨了一些。

I love to grind ink, and I did that in summer too. 

夏末離開前進了辦公室，我的位置看起來像上圖所示，然後大家和我說再見。

In the end of summer before I left, I went into the office, and my desk looked like what was shown in the image. And everyone waved goodbye to me. 

夏天畫了壁畫。

I did the mural project in summer. 

到了剩下幾頁時通常有靈感枯竭之感。

I tend to have the artist block when there are only a few pages left. 

夏天台北會下大雷雨，但是下完之後城市有種無比清爽的感覺。

There is pouring rain on summer afternoons in Taipei, but afterwards the city feels exceptionally fresh. 

和小蕙去基隆港慶生。

I celebrated my birthday with Hui at Keelung Harbor. 

和薛吉白華和荳荳去朱銘美術館看夜景。

I went to Juming Museum with Shaggy, Pai-hwa and Bean for the night view. 

和阿長愛雪去山上旅行。

I traveled to the mountains with Mom and Dad. 

夏天要結束之前來到了英國‧‧‧

Before summer ended, I came to the UK...

remembered drawing II / 記憶畫法（二）

這一週天氣轉陰，開始下雨了，我的高昂指數立刻大幅下滑，再加上我可能給自己的壓力太大，居然有點失智，去美術行買完速寫本沒帶回家，去圖書館查完書學生證就丟在那裡，導致隔兩天去上學遭到警衛的為難。

This week the weather turned cloudy and rainy. As a result, my mood suffered a drastic downturn since I am such a weather-oriented person. Plus, I probably imposed too much pressure on myself so that I started to have signs of dementia. I forgot the newly-bought sketchbook in the art supply shop. I left my student ID in the library without being aware of it at all, and I came near being blocked by the guard when I went to school two days later. 

星期四的檢討會之前，我很努力地擠出六張圖，謹記老師要我們用圖像傳達過去這個夏天的回憶，但是我有種筋疲力盡的感覺，心裡面還是有圖可畫，可是我不想被困在同樣的風格裡。不知是不是天氣變化，同學們也都懶洋洋的，助教也只有傑克出現，我深愛的露不知為何沒有來，於是傑克要每一個人在全班面前分享作品，而不是像之前的小組討論。

Before the crit on Thursday, I struggled to come up with six images, bearing in mind that I should put down my memory of the past summer break and express its feelings by appealing to the viewer's five senses. I felt drained by the end of Wednesday. There were still ample images in my mind, but I couldn't proceed because I didn't feel like repeating similar techniques or style. I wonder if it was the change in weather that caused everyone's fatigue on Thursday morning. Only one tutor Jake showed up. Lou, whom I know much better, was nowhere to be found. Jake wanted everyone to present his or her works in front of the whole class rather than group discussions like the past few weeks. 

雖然有些疲累，我還是認真地記筆記，傑克是個多話的老師，不過給的意見又多又實用，我想在接下來的三天對於我將要畫的圖會有很大的啟發。儘管如此，隨著看每個人的作品，我開始有信心危機，覺得自己的作品好像不如人，尤其是看到那種走精工路線的作品，我的野獸派和印像派畫就自慚形穢。

Though I was rather fatigued, I still took notes like mad. Jake is a talkative teacher, but his advice is plenty and helpful. His suggestions will do me much good when it comes to the images I am going to present during the following three days. Despite this awareness, I started to suffer a confidence crisis as we looked at more and more people's assignments. I had a strong feeling that my works are inferior. Especially when I saw images formed  by super fine lines, I felt like hiding my Fauvist and Impressionist drawings. 

傑克為了懲罰遲到的同學，要他們先做分享，其實我覺得要懲罰他們應該不要看他們的作品，因為這樣他們就得不到評論，但傑克以為我們都不想把作品給大家看。雖然我並不覺得自己做得特別好，可是我如果得到建議會很高興，不幸地，隨性的傑克沒有把時間控制好，我是被遺忘的一群，也怪我不是很主動啦，於是我的週四似乎就要在黑暗中落幕了。

To punish the students who were late, Jake wanted them to share their works first. In fact, I think the punishment should be not to look at their sketchbooks because then they wouldn't get any feedback. However, Jake thought most of us didn't want to show our own drawings. I don't think I did a brilliant job, but if I get advice, positive or negative, I will know how to improve. Unluckily, the free Jake didn't pay much attention to time, and I was among those who were forgotten. I was to blame too since I wasn't very active. Thus, my Thursday was about to end in darkness...

回家的路上和維琪及繪里同行，陪維琪等車時，聊著聊著突然有點想開了，好像沒必要把自己弄成這樣，明明我也知道要放鬆，但狀況好的時候逼得了，一走下坡就要快點鬆手。看了一個晚上的愚蠢偶像劇，睡了一場好覺，第二天醒來又是滿滿的靈感，人生不就是這樣嘛！

On my way home I walked with Vicky and Elie. While waiting for the bus with Vicky, I kind of figured out the whole thing. There was no point in pushing myself like this. I know better than anyone that I have to relax. When I am in good shape, I can make myself go very far. But I have to let go once I detect I am going downhill. I watched a silly TV drama for a whole evening and got a good night sleep. The next morning when I woke up, I was full of ideas again. Isn't life so simple like that... 

這是被困在蘭嶼的颱風夜。

This was the night when we were trapped in Lanyu by an approaching typhoon. 

這張圖看起來很可怕，可是我卻覺得是很好的實驗。我在蘭嶼潛水的時候是很害怕的，雖然覺得是很棒的經驗，和別人也都這麼說，但深層的記憶是恐懼。

This picture looks terrible, but I think of it as a very good experiment. I was very afraid when diving in Lanyu. It's a fantastic experience, and I keep telling others that. However, the memory at the deepest level is about fear. 

其實很多圖都可以追溯到部落格之前的記錄，但我還是加了新的元素。過去的夏天裡親了宥宥，和小方阿楷玩耍，畫這張圖的早上下著雨，我想有一天他們對於小時候的回憶應該也記不清楚了，可是在心裡的一角應該還會有我吧！

As a matter of fact, many images can be associated with my earlier entries of the past summer on the blog, but I added new elements. In the past summer, I kissed Yoyo, spent much time playing with Von and Kai. The morning when I drew this picture, it was raining. I guess one day these boys won't have a clear recollection of their childhood, but maybe deep down in one small corner, they will still remember me... 

去山裡頭時阿長躺在竹林裡睡午覺，我想記錄林中的微風。週四只有兩個人看了我的速寫本，她們翻到這張時很讚嘆，但我很失望，因為這是我花了好幾個月練習的技法，可以騙騙人，我倒希望她們看出前幾張的突破性。

When we went to the mountains, Dad took a nap in the bamboo woods. I'd like to depict how the breeze felt at that moment. Only two people looked at my sketchbook on the sad Thursday. They were amazed by this drawing, but to be honest, I was disappointed. It took me months to practice the techniques so I could impress those who don't know much about Chinese ink painting. I would feel happier if they saw the breakthrough I made in the previous drawings. 

夏天和阿長小雪去神木林，為了表達樹皮的觸感，又不想重覆之前的技法，這次我拿了雞蛋盒，還有撿來的葉子用來印顏料在紙上。

I went to the giant tree forest with Dad and Mom in summer. To express the tactile feel of the bark without repeating what I had done before, this time I used the egg box and leaves I picked on the street as a kind of coloring medium. 

每次過度使用媒材之後我就想回到單純的畫畫技術上，可是我覺得這張圖看起來有點空，你們說呢？

Every time after I overuse media, I feel like going back to simply drawing. But this picture feels kind of empty. What do you think? 

低潮過後都很像吃了大力丸，狀態馬上向上攀升。這是和阿麗和小蕙去海邊玩，我以前很少用鉛筆，現在不能不用，完全憑記憶畫得出來這樣，我自己覺得很神奇。

After I hit the lowest point, I'll bounce back to a very high peak as if I took drugs. I went to the seaside with Lee and Hui back in August. I hardly used pencils, but now I can't live without them. I find it amazing that I could do something like this totally from memory. 

本來要畫外婆的冬瓜滷，但後來就畫成這樣，我很喜歡。

I had meant to draw Granny's pickled white gourds, but later it turned out to be so. I like it a lot myself. 

夏天有很多去醫院的回憶。

I have many memories of hospital visits during summer break. 

班上很多少女喜歡畫黑暗風的東西，我也被她們影響了。

Several girls in my class love the dark styles, and I am more or less influenced by them. 

這週我要用穩定又放鬆的步伐完成速寫本，至少我要是唯一一個在乎自己作品的人。今晚繪里和新朋友奇蒂來邀我去參加萬聖節派對，我說我明天要早起去打羽毛球，果然就是個和少男少女格格不入的大嬸啊！不過我知道自己這週的狀況有點走下坡，我得運動運動才行！

This coming weekend I am going to finish my sketchbook at a steady yet relaxed pace. At least I have to be the only person that cares about my works. This evening Elie and a new friend Kitty invited me to go to a Halloween party, but I said I have to get up early to play badminton tomorrow morning. Well, I do have completely different life schedules than young boys and girls. Yet since I know I am kind of going down, I can use some exercise!