Confession / 告白

放寒假的前四天同學生去了一趟雲林做服務學習，這樣的旅行總是讓我很焦慮，特別是這次，因為這一學期走到最後，覺得自己教的東西在學生身上似乎歸零，幾個月前的理想和熱情不斷受到挑戰，在這個節骨眼，我只想要逃走。

During the first four days of the winter break, I traveled to Yunlin in South Taiwan with my students for voluntary work. In fact, traveling for the sake of work always makes me anxious. It was especially so this year because I started the semester a few months ago with passion and ideal, but when it ended, I didn't see any trace of my effort left in the students. At this moment, I only felt like running away from the crowd. 

當其他老師從頭到尾一致地用相機紀錄整趟旅程，我只留下這張速寫。對我來說，感受當下，看清楚這些孩子的樣貌，比不停按閃光燈重要。

When my colleagues recorded the whole trip with cameras from the beginning to the end, all I have is this sketch. For me, experiencing the moments was much more important. Only by doing that could I get to see more clearly the true colors of my students. 

可是我卻那麼喜歡觀察當地小朋友的樣子，尤其是一二年級生純真的臉孔和眼睛，慢慢地，歲月開始留痕跡在三四五六年級生，要保留無邪無憂的眼神根本就是和全世界對抗。

I did love to observe the looks of the local kids, though. I was especially attracted to the innocent visages and eyes of first and second graders. Time leaves marks in elder children little by little. I found it a revolution against the world in trying to keep that purity in our eyes as we age. 

我鑽進廚房裡，紀錄大家切切洗洗的姿態，雲林新鮮美麗的農作物讓廚房增色不少。

I sneaked into the kitchen to draw how everyone found their place in the kitchen. The beautiful and fresh produce from Yunlin gave so many vivid colors to the space. 

常常趁大家不注意時溜出去速寫，和安國小座落於農田中，早上七點我在路邊畫要升起的太陽，身邊站著ㄧ位女孩，渴望愛卻很少被溫暖地愛過，我們在靜默裡呼吸，卻感覺說了好多話。

I often disappeared for some fresh air when no one noticed. He-An Elementary School is surrounded by farmland. One morning at 7 a.m., I stood by the roadside to draw the rising sun. Next to me was a girl who desired to be loved but was hardly loved. We breathed in the morning silence, but I felt we had said so much. 

陪同事去學校附近的菜格買玉米筍，菜格的定義是用貨車載著蔬果去販賣，但這戶人家把自家當作賣菜的領域，面積雖小，卻有各種蔬菜水果豆干海帶和乾貨，我忍不住和他們借了把凳子，坐在路邊速寫，偶有附近的歐吉桑騎著摩托車來買菜，順手拿了塑膠袋裝想要的份量。畫到一半賣菜的阿嬤請孫女爲我送來伯朗咖啡，臨走之前還邀我一同吃午餐，鄉下的人情味很令人感動，回家時帶了一整箱的農作物，多半是當地居民相贈。

My colleague took me to a nearby personal market for buying baby corns. In the country, farmers usually sell produce in their trucks. However, this family displayed everything on the ground floor of their own house. Though there wasn't much space, I was surprised by the variety of the choices they offered. I was so thrilled that I couldn't help but borrow a stool from them and began to sketch at the roadside. Sometimes I saw villagers come by scooter. They picked what they wanted and decided how much they would like to have just like in any other market. 

Halfway through my sketch, the granny sent her granddaughter to give me a can of coffee for free. When I said goodbye to them, she even invited me for lunch. People in the countryside are so hospitable and generous. I brought home a huge box of produce, most of which was gifts from the villagers. 

從河堤上往下望，是一整片的稻田，下午兩點的豔陽裡有辛勤的農婦巡視菜田，身後是校園裡孩子們的嘻笑聲。

Looking down from the jetty, it was a vast farm field. At 2 p.m. when the sun shone like in summer, one or two farmers could be spotted. Behind me kids played and laughed happily on the small campus. 

傍晚，農村裡里長用麥克風廣播，我在紅瓦屋外畫畫，也聽到屋內的各種聲音。

In the evening while I was sketching, I heard the head of the village announce important news through the loudspeaker. Standing outside a row of red-brick houses, I could hear what was going on inside as well. 

旅行結束之後，我在想，我這麼辛苦，會不會是因為我也沒有打開心呢？

After the trip came to an end, I am wondering about the reason why I had such a hard time during the past semester. Might it be that I didn't open my heart?