the reason for no tears / 不哭的原因

一個多月前，在畢業旅行的營火晚會上，我們在沙灘上圍成一圈，天上的星星閃亮到不行，女孩們繞著我，天真誠懇的眼神冀望我說些感性的話，我始終只是笑笑的，可是有些小妞已經開始掉淚，相較之下我顯得有些冷血。之後同學們紛紛對我說，老師真沒fu，我答道，我的感情都投注在日常生活裡了，在你看得到和看不到的細節中。

More than a month ago, in the bonfire party on our graduation trip, girls formed a circle on the beach with me in the middle. The stars in the sky shone like crazy. Instead of gazing at them, they looked at me with so much innocence and expectation in their eyes. They'd like me to make some remarks full of feeling. I just smiled, but some girls began to shed tears. Compared with them, I gave the impression of being cold-blooded. Afterwards, girls said to me, "You are so cold..." I replied that all my love is invested in the small details in daily life, visible and invisible.

說每分每秒想著你太過誇張，不過你常常猛一下在我搭車、畫畫、慢跑、甚至是如廁的時候就這樣闖入我的心房，於是我開始想著要怎麼樣幫助你，拉你一把、或者只是讓你微笑，從前我總覺得自己很無聊，下班之後還要因為你的問題苦惱，現在倒是覺得我不得不，因為也許我的一句話，你會在往後人生失意的時刻想到這句話，永遠有復原的力量，但這也可能只是我自以為是的想法，不過無論如何，我沒有辦法坐視不管。

It would be too exaggerated to say that I think of you every moment. But the thought of you does take me by surprise when I am dozing on the subway, painting in my little room, jogging in the park, or even going about the daily routine in the bathroom. Then I start to rack my brain, wondering how I can give you a hand, lift you up or just make you smile. I hated myself obsessing about you even after work. Now I have the idea that I can't help it. Maybe because of something I say, it will always give you strength when you are down in the future to come. You'll thus be able to stand up again. Alright, perhaps this is just my presumptuous idea. Yet I can't leave you alone.

於是你沮喪的時候，我也受到影響，但是我不會耽溺在那樣自憐的情緒，我會跳出來，用我的成熟樂觀感染你，給你另一種看人生的視野。可是，你不是唯一的受益者，我也從你的身上感受到年輕的光芒和希望，如果今天我做的完全不同的工作，別人不會以為我看起來只有十八歲，光是這個原因，我和自己說，看來只能繼續待在這個行業了。你也給我新的觀點，常常走在路上還會因為你造的某句蠢話噗哧一笑。

So when you are low, I feel your frustration. But I won't indulge myself in that self-pity. I'll detach myself from the subjective emotion, infect you with my optimism, and give you a brand-new viewpoint to look at life. You probably think you are the only beneficiary. Then you are wrong because I am so enveloped in your youth and energy. If I were doing a totally different job today, other people wouldn't always believe that I am only 18 years old. With that reason alone, I tell myself that I have no choice but to stay in this profession. You also give me new outlooks on life. Sometimes I burst into laughter like a madwoman on the street on thinking of a certain stupid English sentence you made in class.

因為喜歡你，所以對你有期待，不是要成為最了不起的人，而是希望你對自己有要求，對自己負責任，找到過好生活的竅門，如果你和我說，我終於找到我要的，我會替你高興，那代表說，我可以不用擔心你，可以完全地信任你，可以滿滿地以你為傲。

Because I like you, I expect much of you. You don't have to become the greatest person in the world, but you have to believe that you can make something of yourself. You need to be responsible for yourself. You have to look for ways to lead a better life. If you tell me that you've finally found what you want, I'll feel so happy for you. That means, I won't have to worry about you, I will have complete trust in you, and I will be so proud of you.

我想，是因為遇見了你，讓我可以再多給一些，想再多給一些，我覺得自己很幸運。但是對於已經離開的你，曾經相遇過的你，還在我生命裡的你，我也一樣珍惜，我是這樣一路走來，才累積了力量，所以就算是負面的衝擊，都只是讓我成為更溫柔敦厚的人。

Because of our encounter, I start to believe that I can give some more and I want to give some more. I consider myself one of the luckiest people. However, for you who have left, who I once met, who are still in my life, I cherish you all the same. Everyone in my life makes me what I am today. Even though there were conflicts or unpleasantness, they all helped me to become a tender and magnanimous being.

我沒有哭，因為感情太深層了，是眼淚也無法包括的。

I didn't cry because the feeling was too deep-running. Tears couldn't contain all that…