Lines / 線條

通常我們從人的外形或言語辨識出他的改變，但是在幾個月內要看出微妙的不同畢竟不是那麼顯而易見，此時線條就派上用場。

Usually we rely on a person’s changes of appearance or language to discern his or her differences. However, changes over a short period of time are too subtle to detect. At this time, lines can serve a similar function.

好久沒當保母，難得小方不想和爸媽出去小晃一下，我們留在家用色鉛筆塗塗抹抹，因為數個月沒和他一起畫畫，我驚覺他拿筆的方式變穩了，對於空間的掌握也比之前進步，上了三個多月的美術課，成果全顯現在調色，整個人感覺有信心許多。我看著他色彩繽紛的區塊很羨慕地說：你這塊畫得真好，我要學你，他也回答：你畫得很棒，你用過的色筆給我，我要試試看。接著他問了一連串雙色混和的可能性，我們就這麼吵吵鬧鬧地玩了好一會。

I haven’t babysat for a long while, and since Von doesn’t feel like going out with his parents, we stay at home to doodle. Not having drawn with him for several months, I am kind of shocked to find that he holds a pen much better than before. Also, he has acquired a stronger sense of space. After taking the art lesson for more than three months, his progress is demonstrated in the ways he mixes colors. Overall, he appears to be more confident. I look at his colorful parts, saying with envy, “This is well done. I want to do the same.” He replies, “You do a great job too. Leave me the pencils you just used. I would like to take a try.” Then he asks a series of questions about the results of mixing different sets of colors, from which we derive a lot of fun in making crazy guesses and acting really silly.

最近我對於機械式練習很有興趣，不論是字體造型或各種圖案，我看到了都忍不住在札記本上塗鴉，於是我發現，今天的線條和昨天的力道不一樣，更不要說是幾個月之後的改變，等到別人察覺時，我已經在離出發點很遠的地方，再加上感受到小方的成長，我不禁覺得自己更要向前走。

Lately I’ve been interested in mechanical exercise, either in typography or visual patterns. I can’t help scribbling in my sketchbook when I see something I find worth imitating. Through the everyday practice, I thus realize that my lines today differ from those of yesterday, not to mention the change in a few months. When others are aware of it, I will be a world far from where I am. Now Von’s growth pushes me to move forward as well.

儘管我們一直獲得，卻也一直失去，知道小方很喜歡倫敦和雙層巴士，我邀請他到時候來找我，幾個月前的他會說，請媽咪帶我去，現在的他寫實地回答：我不會講英文，我有點啼笑皆非地說，我會啊！還好，圖畫完之後，我問他要不要帶回家，他用一貫地體貼說：留給你，因為你會想我。生活裡每天每天像過往雲煙地消逝，但是我想要永遠記住這句話和他此刻的線條。

Though we are constantly gaining something, we are losing something else in the meanwhile. Knowing that Von takes a particular fancy to London and double-deckers, I invite him to come visit me when I make it there. He would have said, “I’ll ask Mommy to take me,” a few months ago. Now he weighs the reality before answering, “I can’t speak English.” I am rather amused, wondering how come it didn’t occur to him that I can. Fortunately, after we finish the picture, I ask him if he’d like to take it home. He says with his typical thoughtfulness, “I want you to keep it because when you miss me, you can look at it.” Every day in life evaporates at the speed of light, but I want to remember Von’s words and lines at this moment, forever.

Office-scape / 辦公室風景

這個學期終於有閒回去上江老師的美術課，我一直都不是很懂光影理論，所以剛開始聽老師分析亮面和暗面之間的關係有些霧煞煞，上了好幾個月，雖然沒甚麼作品，但是我用我的色塊畫法好像開始有點瞭解老師要傳達的重點。

This semester I’ve finally made it back to Jim’s art class. I have never been an analytical person, so it is rather mind-boggling when Jim mentions the correlations between light and dark facets. I can only use my own formula of color blocks to create similar effects. After having taken the watercolor class for a few months, I think I’m gradually getting the hang of it.

現在我一方面覺得自己應該多學點技巧，另一方面則希望有一天我光用一種技法就可以創造出令人驚艷的畫面，因為對我來說最高境界不是琳瑯滿目，而是簡單有力。

Now I expect myself to acquire more skills, but on the other hand, my ultimate goal is to use one single medium to create pictures of quality. For me, a good work is not one made with various media. Instead, I prefer simple strokes that successfully convey power and feeling.

臨摹完老師的莫內花園，再加上他的幾筆修飾，灰濛濛的辦公室多了綠意，在下著冰雨的冬日從冷空氣裡走進室內，也有種濃郁的自然氣息，當我暫時離開，一定會想念鐵櫃上的拉拉雜雜。

Jim added some sophisticated touches to my Giverny Garden after I was done. The gray office suddenly lights up because of its existence. Even when I walk into the cluttered space from the cold exterior on a freezing winter day with icy rain, I can smell the fragrance of nature in my mind’s eye. When I take my temporary leave from work, I am sure I’ll miss the trivial but soothing image.

The Door / 入門

圖攝於巴塞隆納聖家堂‧2009 / photo taken at Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, 2009


面試過了快一個星期，我也萎靡了一個星期，從心理和生理的疲勞恢復，這幾天我看到了很多蛛絲馬跡，終於在下個星期開始之前，我可以夠面對自己了。

It has been almost a week since my interview, and I have lived like a zombie for almost a week, trying to recover from the mental and physical fatigue. I detected many small signs during the past few days. I think I can finally pull myself together before a new week comes my way.

聽起來的結果好像很令人沮喪，其實不然。面試的老師說，我的作品就技術方面而言太太太簡單，我需要有印刷、字體各種基本課程的訓練，所以與其讓我讀碩士課程，他開了個基礎課程給我，不像碩士訓練有部分重心放在理論，最後還要寫論文，基礎課程重視實作，還有和業界合作的機會，用客觀的角度來看，這個決定很適合我，因為我想追求的不是寫論文，能夠學習自己創作無法接觸到的領域才是最重要的，但是和我原來的期望不太一樣，我花了點時間撫慰我脆弱的自尊心。

So far, the outcome must sound very gruesome. In fact, it’s not in all senses. The interviewer said in terms of techniques, my drawings are too too too simple. (But since when has my name become my Achille’s heels?) I need to receive solid training in printing, typography and so on. Instead of letting me go into the MA program, she prescribed the Foundation degree for me, which is more like a vocational qualification in the U.K. Seriously speaking, I didn’t know that MA students are required to write a thesis as a requisite for the degree until one week before the interview, and obviously, that is not what I am after. The Foundation degree offers courses which I, as an amateur, should take. There are also opportunities to work with the industry. This should be a tailored decision for me were it not for my fragile self-esteem.

兩天前上水彩課時，本來我只是像顆植物被動地坐在那裡，剛好同學把我前幾週的作品拿出來讓老師改，同學A用一種讚嘆的口氣說，「你的線條比你的人大膽很多」，本來是想回答，我本人的確有點孬，接著同學B又說，「你的風格很明顯」，我自知水彩是我的弱項，居然同學還看得出來某種個人風格，這些評論很明顯地和當天面試的老師說：你的線條還在掙扎當中，形成強烈的對比，我明白很多事都是相對的，對於沒有經驗的人來說，我的線條很有信心，但對於業界的人而言，我的線條是懦弱的，我突然看開了。

Two days ago in watercolor class, I sat there like a vegetable. My classmate happened to take out my painting from earlier weeks for Jim to revise. Classmate A exclaimed, “Your lines are so much more confident than your physical appearance.” I wanted to retort, “Indeed, I can be such a wimp sometimes.” Then classmate B went on to say, “You have a very distinctive personal style.” Watercolor painting is my weakest, and still, I was amazed that some sort of personal style could be distinguished. Their remarks formed a complete contrast with the interviewer’s sharp comment, “Your lines are still struggling.” It dawned on me that many things in the world are just relative. For viewers with less experience, my lines are bold. However, for the professionals who work in the industry, my lines are not clearly formed yet.

雖然我沒有強烈的意願試試看其他學校，但我的確想過這件事，最後我還是想接受目前的決定，不是因為我對自己沒有信念，而是我想很踏實虛心地學習。以前讀書的過程裡，我一直是被強烈的優越感支撐著，現在我沒有了，也不需要，我只是想藉這個機會踏入這個領域一探究竟，至於在2010年裡剩下的幾個星期，我想用創作在我和別人的生活裡留下一點痕跡。

Despite my lack of will to try other schools, I did give it a thought. In the end, I chose to accept the offer. Not because I have no faith in myself but because I think it’s time for me to learn everything I don’t know with humility. Speaking of my past student life, I used to be supported by a very strong sense of superiority. Now I don’t have that anymore, and I don’t need it. All I am looking for is a door through which I can take a look at the field. As for the remaining weeks before 2010 ends, I want to make some difference in my and others’ lives with my drawings.

之所以想要有改變，是因為我強烈地覺得自己的人生大概定形了，所以聽到我的線條還在掙扎，我應該要偷笑吧！如果上帝暫時沒有要給我其他的挑戰，那麼，倫敦，我們十個月後見吧！

I’ve had the longing to change because at this age, I know my life will be more or less the same, even in the coming 20 years. I should feel greatly pleased that I have something that is struggling instead of having taken shape in every aspect. If God doesn’t have other challenges for me temporarily, then, London, I shall see you in ten months’ time.

後記：謝謝諸多這幾週友人的鼓勵和祝福！

PS: I want to thank all of you for your faith in me and your encouragement!

Serene Little Corner / 寧靜的小角落

本來我想進入十二月再開始申請學校的流程，但是在留學展意外發現提前面試的機會，於是我得在幾天之間把資料備齊，再加上面試的老師強調相關科系的經驗，代辦顧問希望我能夠多讀點書，用知識和口才為自己博取優勢，於是圖書館有關插畫的書籍幾乎都被我掃光了，我這幾天過著抱著書睡覺的生活，不過因為讀的是很好玩的內容，所以有一種很幸福的感覺，就像全世界沒甚麼人在乎我做的事情，但是我卻因為它而開心。

I planned to start my application to graduate school from December, but I accidentally discovered an accidental opportunity for an interview, which will take place in less than a week. That means I’ll have to come up with all the documents required in a few days. Besides, the interviewer seems to place MUCH emphasis on the applicants’ professional art background, so the counselor hopes that I can brush up on what I read before to gain an edge for myself with knowledge and eloquence. Thus, I have checked out almost all the books related to illustration from the library. These days I’ve rocked myself to sleep surrounded by books, but the content is so interesting that I feel extremely blissful. Though not many people care about what I am doing, I am happy all the same in my serene corner.

小雪說，幹嘛那麼老了還要辛苦唸書，可是我的人生裡沒有比這更確定想做的事了，讀到可愛的昆汀布雷克原來大學也是主修英文，後來才又讀插畫，我就更明白自己不是唯一這麼選擇的人。

Sharen said that I shouldn’t pave such a difficult road for myself, but I am surer of nothing else in my life. Especially when I learn that the British master Quentin Blake also majored in English in university, and that he didn’t take up illustration until he stopped being a student, I am even more certain of my own choice. Well, now I know I am not the loner.

Telephone jungle / 電話叢林

每當我打電話給小方，阿楷也不甘示弱，雖然能說的只有幾個字，而且大部分時候是安靜的，他總是緊抓著話筒不放，於是爸爸媽媽就必須出面把小隻的帶走，有時候都要說再見了，小楷又再度復出，兄弟兩人就這樣來來去去滿場跑，讓我感覺這一通電話還真是無盡呢！

Whenever I call up Von, Kai is eager to make his presence felt. Despite his limited vocabulary and reigning silence, he holds tightly onto the phone. Then Mom and Dad will have to distract his attention, thus taking him away from the war zone. Sometimes when I am about to bid farewell, Kai makes his comeback. The two brothers play and talk alternatively, which makes me wonder if the phone call will ever end.

為了讓兩個人不吵架，我畫了一張電話叢林，拾手盡是話筒，這對於很計較有沒有人打電話給他的小方應該是個福音吧！

To bring everlasting peace for the two boys, I drew a telephone jungle in which there are telephones everywhere. This should please Von a lot since one of his major anticipations in the daily life is talking to aunts on the phone.

to age elegantly / 優雅地老去

去了歐洲教育展打聽目前名單裡的學校，剛開始有點不熟悉展場裡的氣氛，我身邊盡是青春洋溢的大學生，雖然我一副運動裝扮，心裡對於自己多人家十幾歲這件事無法不在意。

I went to the U.K. study fair with the intention of collecting more information about schools I would like to apply for. In the beginning I was kind of daunted by the young bobbing heads of college kids. Despite my purposeful sporty looks, I was so aware of the age gap between me and them.

從第一間學校開始，我便不斷地聽到類似的話語：如果你之前不是藝術主修，就要靠作品集博得青睞，因為大部分的學生都還是有藝術背景。這樣的說法還真是不公平，我是帶著筆記去的，如果學校在網上提供充足的資料，我也都說得出來課程內容和教授的作品風格，不過我倒是不放在心上，那多出來的十幾歲還是有用的。

Most school representatives made similar remarks about my qualifications: You need a strong portfolio since you were not an art major. Most students in our programs still have art backgrounds. I hope my case will certainly be an exception. I went with notes about every school. I had no problem pinpointing the features of each school’s courses and the styles of more famous professors. Fortunately, I viewed their words more as a friendly suggestion which would give me an edge when preparing the application forms. There is still something useful about being older.

回家的路上我一邊想，和我同年齡的人都在哪裡，為什麼我還要冒險，而當我走進童裝店幫家裡的小朋友買衣服，店員問我有幾個小孩，我說我沒有小孩，答案是那麼明顯，如果最後都要老去，我想用我的方式記錄人生，雖然沿路還是會有些緊張和害怕，我不想要後悔沒嚐試過的選擇。

On my way home I couldn’t help wondering where people of my age are. I asked myself why I still need to take an adventure. When I walked into a children’s clothing store, the clerk asked me how many children I had. I said I didn’t have any. The answer was so obvious. If we all have to age in the end, I want to record life in my own manner. There will of course be moments of fear and panic along the way, but I don’t want to obsess about the would-have-beens later on.

他們有青春，而我有熊熊的火焰。

They have got youth, while I’ve got flaming fire.

Sunbathing / 泡太陽

這幾天太陽亮得很，可是我們家青春的小魚被囚禁在課堂和書本裡，看著眼前的河流不能盡情游水，顯得很沒勁。

This week the sun has shone especially hard, but my youthful little fish are trapped in piles of books and the sad gloomy classroom. It is an indescribable drag to face the temptation of the crystal-clear flowing water without having the courage to take a plunge for a wild swim.

我說，去曬曬太陽吧！因為人生的苦悶多半持續著，所以把握稍縱即逝的陽光特別有必要。

I say, go for a sunbath. After all, while the dull moments in life span decades, seizing the ephemeral pleasure like cheerful sunshine is definitely a must when it comes to avoiding depression.

攝於京都三千院‧2008夏 / photos taken at Sanzen-in Temple in Kyoto, summer 2008

Je veux voir / 我想看

和小蕙去看凱瑟琳丹妮芙於2008年拍的記錄片「我想看」，她在貝魯特參加影展之際表達想去黎巴嫩南方看一看的心願，於是導演安排她和黎巴嫩的男演員拉比目如埃同車，由拉比充當凱瑟琳的導遊，沿途映入眼簾的是貝魯特的斷垣殘壁和被戰火襲擊的小鎮，凱瑟琳和拉比甚至誤闖地雷遍佈的危險區，而這些片段都是未經安排的真實情節。

I went to see Cathérine Deneuve’s film I Want to See produced in 2008 with Huei. On her visit to Beirut for a gala event, she asked her hosts to organize a trip to South Lebanon for her. The director put her together in the same car with one of Lebanon’s famous actors Rabih Mroueh, who served as her driver and tour guide. The documentary presents the ruins in Beirut and Rabih’s native village. The two even accidentally drive into a dangerous zone scattered with landmines on their ride in the south. These scenes truthfully reflect the situations in Lebanon without any pre-arrangement.

片子到了接近尾聲時，拉比和凱瑟琳經過海邊，所有被戰爭摧毀的建築物被運到這裡，廢墟瓦礫被怪手擊碎，再一併到入海中。拉比說，他不得不幻想，海中其實有個巨大的城市，我想這個城市可怕的地方在於，人類遮掩了自己的野心和慾望，表面上好像是看不見了，但只是被藏起來。

At the end of the film, Rabih and Cathérine pass by the seaside, where all the rubble and debris, traces of the wars, are broken into small pieces first and then dumped. Rabih says that he can’t help imagining a gigantic city lying underneath the sea surface. I think the terror of this city lies in that mankind puts away their ambition and desire somewhere out of sight. They might be invisible, but that doesn’t mean they do not exist.

每個人的心裡也都有個被隱藏在海中的巨大城市，需要勇氣才有辦法正視。

In each of us might lie a monstrously huge city, and it takes courage to look it in the eye.


Seek my shadow / 找自己的陰影

91

她在綿綿陰雨裡遇見他，他穿著整齊坐在便利商店前，反覆訴說自己91歲了，兒子開賓士車，他即將被送到養老院，他說那裡的生活也不會比較好，對於不良於行這件事，他感到無奈和無助。他的思緒在過去和現在之間來來回回，在已經說過的話和想說的話之間來來回回。他說想要吃點甜的，她去買了白木耳湯送給他，他要帶回家，用某種小心翼翼的儀式好好地享用陌生人的善意。

而那之後，她再也沒有遇見他。


She ran into him in drizzling rain. He was neatly clad, sitting alone in front of a convenience store. He repeated his age, which was 91. His son drove a Mercedes-Benz. He was about to be sent to a nursing home, but he didn’t believe his life there would be any better. He felt hopeless and helpless about his not being able to walk. His thoughts traveled between the past and the present, between what he had said and what he wanted to say. He had cravings for something sweet. She bought a bowl of sweet soup for him. He would like to take it home and savor every bite of good will from a stranger with a certain kind of ritual.

Since then, she has never seen him again…